We still have trouble communicating!! !

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NT Dating and Aspie and we've been together for four years off and on.
He just recently found out he has a high possibility of having AS.
I'm sure you've seen my other posts I've been posting a lot trying to learn as much as I can.

One of the main problems we have is communicating I expect him to pick up on subtle hints like " I've talked to other people it doesnt help " When what I'm really saying is " I need to talk to YOU about this, not someone else "

I suppose thats a habbit I have to break. He also doesnt deal well with stress so when I bring up something that is stressful for him, it takes effort for him not to get mad or upset with me.

Is that part of AS or not?

A lot of the reasons we have fights is because ( from my perspective and how I personally see it ) of miscommunication. I have trouble understanding why somethings upset him, and why I frustrate him.

Also sometime when I try to tell him something, it comes off to him as me being " superficial " or he feels like I'm saying it just to say it and I'm not, Which is the most frustrating thing for me communication wise.... Is that part of AS as well? can things from NT's come off as fake ? or like they arnt being honest?

How can I better handle communication problems?

I find written communications (letter, email) much easier to process than verbal. Perhaps you could write down your feelings and let him read through them in his own time? He could write his response, too. It may seem weird when you're in the same room but it weeds out all that non-verbal communication that we aspies struggle with.

Well we are long distance. So most of our communication is by email, Which helps ( I think ) but it still stressing him out. depending on what we are discussing.

People with AS WILL NOT get it when someone trys to drop a subtle hint. You need to be very direct and clear. Also do what you say, say what you mean.

I have AS, if someone told me that they had a problem and you talked to others but it did not help, I would think "well, talking to me won't help then if she talked to others, so whats the point?"

People with AS can't pick up on body languge, vocal tone. What you say to someone with AS is what they hear and think you mean. If you say one thing but mean the oppisite, they won't pick up on it.

If I may ask, what kinds of things are you saying to Him that he says makes you superficial?

^^^ This

If you mean one thing, say that thing instead of hinting around. It will save you both heartache.

If you need to discuss an issue that brings out stress, ask him when a good time to discuss it might be, so that he can prepare and if it is not a good time, putting it off until he is up to it might help.

Writing points down in advance is not a bad idea. Note cards are organized and can help everyone stick to the issues at hand.

Is it possible he could be expressing to you a small level of paranoia? When you say things that he finds difficult to find true, or labels them superficial? A lifetime of AS confusion and anxiety can result in a little bit of paranoia and doubt that others are not speaking truthfully to you.

The only solution for that seems to be perseverance in being trustworthy. Speak truth, follow through in action on what you've agreed to do, to the extent that is possible, but retain your personal boundaries and don't relate to him in a way where you are constantly "proving" yourself to him. At some point he has to meet you in the middle with some trust, right?

my two cents. hope it comes together for you.

As far as the superficial matter goes I've noticed its more when we are on the phone ( again long distance here ) and if we are talking about something important to him he sometimes feels as if I'm not listening or don't care. And when I say I care about it ( whatever it may be at the time ) he doesnt believe me, when if I didnt care I wouldnt be on the phone with him.... But he strongly feels I'm being superficial.

Again: Is it even worth it?

I just wanted to share that I have also tried to be a 'good NT GF' and am working on clear, concise communication. My challenge is that my Aspie has worked to become adept at reading/interpreting NT speak (non-direct, full of hints and innuendo) and now when I try to be direct he is 'reading' me through his NT filter! And so my words can become even more misconstrued! It is something we are working on and when I shared that I am working to become a better communicator 'for him' it has helped to alleviate some of the misunderstandings The side benefit is that my other interpersonal communication is also getting better as I am more able to get to the heart of a matter without the 'beating about the bush'.

Hey we may have some issuse to work out, but all relationships do. I've spent four years with him, I'm not about to toss him aside. I'm not perfect, he accepts me for my flaws and I do the same for him, He may have AS but that changes nothing in how I feel for him, It only helps me better understand him now that we know why he is how he is.

so is it worth it, Yes. I love him dearly. He is worth it. I may get frustrated and want to quit some days but I'm not like that, I wont just give up on people, especially him, he has helped me so much. I've become a better person because of him.

We may have trouble communicating, but that doesnt mean I'm going to ditch him by any means, As long as he is willing to work with me and help me understand him, and as long as he wants to stay with me I'll stay with him. I've become to close to sever the ties we have, We may have troubles from time to time but we do love one another.

Most NT/AS relationships have difficulties communicating. You just have to be direct and to the point by telling your partner the problem tell him what you would like him to do about it to change things. A lot of misunderstandings can crop up and I highly suggest that you research Asperger's through books. There are many self help books on Asperger's & Relationships that will definately help your situation and help you understand him better.

I am in a relationship with an Aspie and I know how it feels to struggle understanding at first, but as soon as you broaden your knowledge of Asperger's you will be able to understand him a lot more. I have read 5 books on Asperger's which have helped me and I am still busy reading all I can about it. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I knew he had Asperger's, because in the very beginning he told me but I had no clue how this had an affect on our relationship. It can be extremely confusing when you don't know what it is causing problems so one day I researched it and found out that the problems we were having were due to his Asperger's. I've been researching it for 7 months now and everything I've learnt has really helped. It helps esspecially in changing my perspective and letting me empathise and see things from his point of view. Also, if I seem really calm about things I find that he will mirror my behaviour. It's also caused us less misunderstandings and we don't actually argue anymore. I feel that he is also happier to make more effort for me in the relationship since we fight less and I understand him better. He's also becoming more open with me about how his Asperger's affects him which is great. It's well worth the effort to read about Asperger's and if you need any book recommendations, you can always message me

I'm not even sure it's an Aspergers' thing... I absolutely HATE the "hints and hidden messages" style of [cough] "communication".

That is NOT communication. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Anything less is just playing games, not talking. No thanks!

Thanks for all the advice and opinions guys. It really helps.