A Letter My Aspie Will Never Read

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I’m tired.
I’m tired of hoping, I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of being misunderstood and misunderstanding. I’m tired of our main communications being electronic. I’m tired of feeling like a guest, an imposition, a task.
I’m tired of our time together becoming less and less instead of us growing and becoming closer.
I’m tired of complaints that I can’t fix or having suggestions shot down. How can I just listen to the complaints without trying to help? Especially, if it is something that I have experienced/ worked through.
I’m tired of feeling needful. I’m tired of having a boyfriend that rarely has and /or chooses time for me. Isn’t “I have laundry” just like saying “I have to wash my hair”? Why can’t we do things together? You wash – I’ll dry. You wash – I’ll fold…
Is it better to know I am going to be alone on Friday & Saturday night or to have to wait and then find out I will be alone when it is too late to make other plans. Is it unreasonable for me to say that I have plans for a couple hours but I’d like to see you later on Friday night? Is it unusual for me to want to be with you more than anyone else? I’m tired of hoping you’ll have nothing better to do.
I’m tired of waiting for you to get up/ decide/ get done. I realize that work comes first and I understand when you need to get something done. But when you get up in the afternoon after staying up til 6am working on your special interest, 1/3 of my day is over. I can’t stay up like you do, I have to get up in the morning and on the weekends I am so used to getting up that I am just awake. I know this isn’t a choice on your part but it doesn’t change the fact that I spend a lot of time waiting for you – which I don’t necessarily mind if I believe that there is a pretty good chance that you will actually see me whenever whatever is complete. It’s just when I have waited and then am disappointed, that sux.
Why is this the only relationship that I have ever had where my BF doesn’t want/need to spend time with me? Is 6- 10 hours a week enough? How can we build a life on that?
Up until recently I had been cautiously optimistic - now I just don't know. I love you more than I can say but at what cost?

This is something my wife could very well have written 7 years ago. Luckily she had the patience to wait a year until I were ready to commit to a relationship and we moved in together shortly after. It might help to decide a specific time and date days in advance, instead of just saying; "lets meet saturday afternoon?", you have to say; "lets meet saturday at 13:00 at my place?".

I had a really hard time keeping appointments when she just said; "can you come over today?". I would spend 4-5 hours getting ready without actually knowing she wanted me to come over right now. If I had known, I would have told her I couldn't, cause I actually needed 4-5 hours to get ready. She has told me this years after it happened, she told me she was very frustrated and never understood how I could disrespect her enough to let her wait that long, and actually steal all those hours from her. I wish I knew then what I know now.

I think you probably didn't want advice, that you just used the forum as a place to vent, or in hopes of getting a virtual hug, but I tend to do better with advice than that other stuff.

Seems like "your aspie" isn't ready to settle down. In other words, time to move on.

I understand being cautiously optimistic. But there comes a time when you have to pull the plug on the relationship. You want so desperately to hold on but doing so is pure agony for both parties. You need to let go so you can heal. Maybe doing so will give him time to reevaluate what he wants. And you as well. There is a possibility you may be able to work things out later down the road.

When you say he will "NEVER READ" it, do you mean he'd refuse to read something like this if you were to show him? Or are you saying you can't bring yourself to tell him/show him this?

If it's the latter, then that's a big red flag to me and says more about you than it does him.

When I read the testimonials of NT wives frustrated with their AS husbands, the one common variable is that the vast majority of these women never actually directly told their AS husbands all of the things they were feeling. They'd write it out on line, but would never tell it themselves to their husbands, and blamed the husbands for "not getting it."

Why don't you/won't you share how you're feeling with him directly? Seriously, what's the thought process here?

oooh, looks like game over O_o

I relate perfectly to what Lorann is feeling. I've written many "unsent letters" like this, in part because just the act of writing it out helps me organize my thoughts and identify what is really bothering me. Also, just the act of taking the thoughts out of my head and physically externalizing them, reduces their intensity.

But the letters remain unsent, in part, because my life experience makes me inhibited. Given what I was used to in my family and partners, expressing feelings like this would make the other person angry, and get me accused of being selfish, critical, and petulant. As many here well know, it is very difficult to overcome a lifetime of being told that my needs are not very important or legitimate. Such people are poison and I've worked very hard to get them out of my life. But the fear of upsetting or being judged by people I love - more than they loved me, apparently - still lurks deep down. To an extent, that's the thought process, at least for me.

I know the only way my Aspie will ever know how I feel is to be direct and inform him of these things. But there is the further problem that he so rarely allows me the opportunity. Many times I have I asked if we could talk, with the intention of explaining in direct terms. I say yes whenever he has asked me. But when I ask - which I must do by phone or text - I'm lucky if I get a response at all. That only reinforces the lifelong message that my needs are not important or legitimate, which makes me want to scream, and give up. Then, months or years will go by, and he will accusingly demand to know why I didn't say "X" sooner. By the time I figure out (a) what my feelings are and (b) that I need to explicitly explain them, he won't give me the chance..

Further, those rare times I do get to enjoy his company, I do not want to waste the time being negative and making him feel bad about all the ways he's hurt me. I much prefer to have fun and enjoy what time we do have together.

Obviously, however, this approach is not working. I am aware that I have to change the way I communicate with him - be more direct, more assertive, more . . . something - but I have no idea how.

Thanks for all the feedback. Putting this up was a huge step in that it forced me to recognize and admit that these are MY thoughts and feelings and that I need to OWN them. Again_with_this, you're right, I can't continue to 'suffer in not-very-silent silence' anymore.

Last night I actually shared the verbal version of this with him (!) and we cleared A LOT of things up.
We agreed on how we will go about communicating our wants/needs and what is reasonable to expect from each other to meet them.

We got some huge misunderstandings straightened up and 'cleared the air'.

1000Knives, I should have provided more info We have both been married before and we each have kids almost as old as you

He has repeatedly spoken about 'when we live together' (as we both realize that we DON'T want to be married again - handfasted maybe). We both would love to 'grow old' together and have matching rockers at the rest home (lol) My challenge is how can we even think of living together when we only spend 6-10 hours a week now?

We discussed this last night and now are clear that our time together doesn't need to be a "date" - we can just hang. He doesn't need to try to wine and dine me - I am happy watching the telly with him, reading a book while he's near or even just chillin with my crochet while he pursues his special interest - as long as we can be together. We will spend time just 'doing our things' in the same place

Hope things go better for you, Lorann.

As an Aspy male, married to the same NT woman x 25+ years (we've been divorced from each other once, separated another time), though, I have to point out that *I* could have written your letter to my NT wife. On both occasions I was the one who initiated the dissolution...and on both occasions, while the factors at play were complex (aren't they always?!), it came down to allowing myself to be fooled or lulled into believing that she would really change. Same old story every time, though, and I am as frustrated, angry, and resentful as ever.

I can see where you're coming from, and how it might relate in some way to common features of Aspy-ness, but it doesn't sound too much to me like this is an Aspy thing at the heart of the whole matter.

I'm not going to call someone I don't know a jerk, but it sounds to me like his issues come from a place other than being an Aspy. If he is citing Aspergers as the reason for the behaviors that you have described then he may be either confused about "what comes from where and why," or he may just be using it as an excuse.

Either way--I *wish* after all of these years that my wife would make an effort to be the kind of person you describe yourself to be.

Best wishes...