22 Jun 2012, 1:34 am
ToughDiamond wrote:
Greatsharkbite wrote:
I agree if I have nothing to hide, check my texts, email, facebook account, wallet, closet, or whatever else but under the circumstances something is just VERY wrong with this guy.
Oh yes, wrong is the word. And according to my reading he could be more dangerous than I thought. Male jealousy can be very dangerous indeed, if it's sexual, which now I see it is. And I guess the label of "abuser" fits in the sense that he is a potential enemy on account of that and the driving and common assault incident. It probably would be best for the OP to avoid him completely, I think. Hope he doesn't fight that.
I'm just intrigued with exactly WHAT is wrong with him. Given that he's safely out of the picture, the "abuser" label tells me little. He obviously saw sexual rivalry danger everywhere it could conceivably have lurked, and he believed that you (divineangel) might be deceiving him. Desperately trying to make you sexually safe - lowering your hemlines to keep the predators off, making you keep your friends at bay, spot-monitoring your conversations.........obviously so preoccupied with protecting himself from this morbid fear, that he forgot all about your needs. I know what it's like to feel I daren't show any warmth towards anybody else because of a partner who actually kept telling me literally that all women are evil and will take any chance to steal men.
I ran all my communications past her and there wasn't anything to worry about, but nothing would requiet her. It was a madness. But I don't know if it was the same as your bf. Is it what they call a paranoid delusion? Anybody?Somebody mentioned insecurity. You seem like an extravert. Was he introverted? That can lead to insecurity. Self-esteem helps, what was that like? If you feel deepdown that you're a tosser, you don't expect your partner would want to be faithful to you, or that you'll be able to replace them.
I'll look again at the story, because I can see some parallels with my own adventures with my first serious gf back in the early 1970s, though the outcome was better.
I think the thing with abusers is that they have typical behavior. It's not so much being an introvert or delusional, as many people can be introverted and delusional without abusing their partners. Trying to identify what exact personality traits an abuser has is very hard. Ultimately, it comes down to a set of characteristics and behaviors that past violent abusers have exhibited. It is merely a set of warning signs to help prevent the next victim from becoming more abused.
However, considering it might save one or one hundred lives, and considering the statistics on abusers who re-offend, it is vitally important to help abuse targets get safe.
An abuser can change, but it is a lot of work. It requires changing his view of women as well as his behavior. Counseling can help with that--individual counseling. Being single will also help, as an abuser has to choose to change of his own volition--and he/she cannot rely on the partner to do anything because he/she must choose to change themselves.
22 Jun 2012, 3:24 am
22 Jun 2012, 4:13 am
22 Jun 2012, 4:22 am
ToughDiamond wrote:
Greatsharkbite wrote:
I agree if I have nothing to hide, check my texts, email, facebook account, wallet, closet, or whatever else but under the circumstances something is just VERY wrong with this guy.
Oh yes, wrong is the word. And according to my reading he could be more dangerous than I thought. Male jealousy can be very dangerous indeed, if it's sexual, which now I see it is. And I guess the label of "abuser" fits in the sense that he is a potential enemy on account of that and the driving and common assault incident. It probably would be best for the OP to avoid him completely, I think. Hope he doesn't fight that.
I'm just intrigued with exactly WHAT is wrong with him. Given that he's safely out of the picture, the "abuser" label tells me little. He obviously saw sexual rivalry danger everywhere it could conceivably have lurked, and he believed that you (divineangel) might be deceiving him. Desperately trying to make you sexually safe - lowering your hemlines to keep the predators off, making you keep your friends at bay, spot-monitoring your conversations.........obviously so preoccupied with protecting himself from this morbid fear, that he forgot all about your needs. I know what it's like to feel I daren't show any warmth towards anybody else because of a partner who actually kept telling me literally that all women are evil and will take any chance to steal men.
I ran all my communications past her and there wasn't anything to worry about, but nothing would requiet her. It was a madness. But I don't know if it was the same as your bf. Is it what they call a paranoid delusion? Anybody?Somebody mentioned insecurity. You seem like an extravert. Was he introverted? That can lead to insecurity. Self-esteem helps, what was that like? If you feel deepdown that you're a tosser, you don't expect your partner would want to be faithful to you, or that you'll be able to replace them.
I'll look again at the story, because I can see some parallels with my own adventures with my first serious gf back in the early 1970s, though the outcome was better.
Yes he was trying to keep the predators off.. but he never prob understood that predators will appriach only if I am willing to let them. when i questioned him
"y dont u trust me".. his reply "i trust you, i Dont trust others". Now to me its the same thing as he does not trust me. I am 27, not a kid and know where to draw the line. I guess he did not trust me..period!! and where there is not trust, ther is always doubt. he was not as confident as I am. he is an extrovert, but then when it used to come to me being hid gf, all his ideas about modern living seemed to go for a toss.
22 Jun 2012, 4:35 am
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,890
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
22 Jun 2012, 4:38 am
22 Jun 2012, 5:14 am
22 Jun 2012, 5:26 am
ToughDiamond wrote:
divineangel wrote:
I recieved numerous texts from him yesterday evening
I was afraid you might. He won't give up easily if you've broken up and got back together before. It's your choice, but if I were you I'd not talk to him at all. I just hope he doesn't make you feel stalked. And talk to local people about it so they know what's going on.
We have broken up in the past and got back togetehr. But this time, it was beyond anything. Physical abuse!! Apparently he wrote in the text that "by writing all this, i dont want anything from you, these sh***y thots were haunting me and i wanted to get them out of my head. Ver bad and sad our relationship ended this way. you always told me that the reason for our break up would not be coz of another man in your life.. but u lied, u have a man..goodbye and go get married and dont fool around. I dont have time for all this. Wonder y you ppl complicate your lives"
......
I mean in all this, there ds not seem to be any moment where its hi fault at all!! ! He is ovewhelmed with the idea of me cheating on him, and not even remorseful about the slap he gave me.
22 Jun 2012, 8:21 am
22 Jun 2012, 8:40 am
22 Jun 2012, 9:32 am
22 Jun 2012, 10:35 am
22 Jun 2012, 10:48 am
22 Jun 2012, 1:56 pm
22 Jun 2012, 2:12 pm
BlueMax wrote:
But until you make the choice to leave, your indecision results in the default of "stay".
This. Well said, BlueMax.
22 Jun 2012, 2:35 pm
