Are you dating an NT? How do you express affection?

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( Disclosure: I'm an NT female in a 1-year relationship with a (newly aware) awesome Aspie, aged 26 and 29 respectively. )

Are you dating an NT, or have you? I am curious about your thoughts on intimacy and outward expression of affection. I've noticed that my guy is quite affectionate with his cats (he adores them!), friends (hugs, horsing around), and even strangers (he has no issues with a handshake or eye contact for work or new acquaintances). However, when it comes to me, there is no "outward" adoration (doesn't look at me, rarely touches me without my initiative, doesn't put on that "hello" smile like he does for others, and has NEVER been able to utter one thing he likes about me). I know he is fond of me, because he shares his time and interests with me, and we are very patient with one another. I understand, but it also makes me worry . . .

Anyways, have you experienced something similar on your end? Is it a sign that I should worry, or could it just mean that he likes me so much that the feelings get too garbled (i.e., nervous that he'll screw it up, afraid to invest his feelings and get his heart broken, trust issues, the whole mixed bag)? How do you show affection to your NT? What are some ways your NT made it easier/safer for you to show how you felt, if any?

I know every relationship is different, but I would appreciate any insight you can share!

My affection in relationships is almost totally-verbal-
I can tell someone the livelong day why I like (love) them, and encourage them,
but I'm not physical at all- not at all sexual, don't kiss, find light stroking to be painful, etc

Eye contact is good unless I'm tired/upset/generally-stressed.

Interesting. I am kind of the opposite. I find my partner (when I have one) to be the easiest person to maintain proper eye contact with, and I have no real trouble showing affection, except for verbally. Telling my partner how I feel can be difficult but I will still make the effort to do it. Probably just less often than they might like.

I might not do the same "hello" smile to my partner, but I can guarantee it's a more special one, reserved only for them.

But I'm an Aspie female who has dated NT men, so take it as you will.

For me personally when I was dating a girl who was NT (my one and only GF) it was a lot like yellowtamarin. I felt most at ease with her and could actually be calm around her. Eye contact was super easy, and I found that physical contact (kissing, hand holding, cuddling... Everything but sex because we both agreed to save that for marriage) was the most fulfilling for myself, and she enjoyed it too.

I like sharing food and sex the most. When my lover is depressed or down I will make some jokes or give gifts.

Women seem to enjoy cuddling so I cuddle as much as possible. (I like it too)

I have 2 possibilities:

1, he could be just himself and recharging from the outside world while he is with you.
2, he notices you have more relations with someone else and is either shutting down and hope that you notice that you aren't giving him more attention and slowly drifting away.

If his behavior has changed, then I would lean towards the 2nd option.

Either way you will have to speak to him about it and find out.

As you can read in the posts, every Aspie is different. My husband is very affectionate, and he was like that way since the beginning. Actually he loves hugging, kissing, having sex, way more that I do. I think what you need to do is talk to him. Tell him you noticed he doesnt have problems showing affection to other people, but that you perceive he has problems showing it to you. Be patient. Let him talk. And try to keep an open mind and make a lot of questions to make sure you understand what he is saying, because sometimes they cannot express verbally in the best way.

The issues that continually come up in my relationships are centered around showing affection.

I say I love you, and but not as much as my partner. I don't give compliments much, or even start conversations often. When I get home I sit on the couch and watch tv. I don't initiate cuddling, kissing, etc. My partners always feel neglected or feel I don't like them. I also find that it bothers my partners that I like to go be alone often. They feel like I don't want them around or that I'm being sneaky or that I'd rather be around other people.

From my point of view, I use the time when I'm at home to recharge from the world. It's a quiet place that isn't stressful, and I can relax. My partner gets upset for the reasons mentioned above. I get upset when I feel attacked for being myself.

I try to compromise. I won't initiate cuddling because I'm not a huge fan (I feel almost claustrophobic/contained), but tell my partner that if she really needs to cuddle, then she needs to initiate it. Then I will cuddle even if I don't really want to, and in return she doesn't make it last for a long period of time.

I love my partner. I suck at showing it. Its a constant problem. In my relationship, clear communication seems to help a bit.

Putting feelings into words is a common problem, research indicates that 85% of Aspies have a comorbid condition called Alexithymia ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia ).

There are many ways to show affection, I will give you a link here, but keep in mind I do not encourage you to buy the book, only to get a sense of the 5 love languages (link: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the ... languages/ ). But, like you said, he does cuddle with his cats and not with you, so I am not sure what to make of that.

There is also the thing Stalk mentioned; he could be just himself and recharging from the outside world while he is with you. Meaning that what you see him do outside in the world and with his friends is him forcing himself to be more socially acceptable, and when he gets home with you, he feels comfortable enough to relax and be himself (which is a big compliment).

Thanks, everyone so far, for sharing and advising.

The thing is, I have told him this exact thing several times (only because I know that my needs must be pointed out clearly in a lot of cases). It's during these conversations that he tends to "shut down", sometimes gets bad anxiety and we have to just drop it so he can breathe. He just hits a wall and can't explain himself at all. Sex he is fine with, and having me around, but when it comes to the feelings . . . total wall. I used to notice and really appreciate small changes he'd make after these conversations (make an effort to kiss me out of the blue, etc), but it seems to be stalled now. I think he is recovering from something else (I know Aspies tend to only be able to deal with things one at a time), like his recent unemployment or his possible feelings for another woman, but it just makes me worry. He says things are fine and not to worry, but I don't want to feel invisible, you know?

(That book is definitely next on my list. It has been recommended to me so many times now!)

I do feel like he sort of puts on a social act for friends and co-workers, and being the person he feels comfortable being hismelf around does make me feel special, it really does. I try my absolute hardest to meet him on his end, to notice what he DOES do for me (allow for physical contact, cooks for me, is always open to having me over, tells me he loves me), but still not hearing how he feels after all this time . . . it just makes me feel replaceable somehow, or like something is wrong and he doesn't want to tell me that he just doesn't have feelings for me. I know the AS makes those things very hard to express. I also know that he's been cheated on many times, which compounds the trust issues. So basically, I am just thinking of ways---methods---that might make it easier to get his thoughts across. He tells me they are there, and that they just turn to mush between his brain and his mouth.

One idea I have is just to send him a letter via post, with a short, factful list of things I love about him to start things off (he has the typical suspicion of compliments and sentiments), with a request for him to respond in kind, to take as long as he needs, to not worry about how anything he writes will sound, and try to keep the letters going back and forth, without ever mentioning them in person (to take the pressure off). Is that an okay idea, or would that be the dumbest, most desperate thing ever tried? I can't decide.

Another idea I have: Our one year anniversary of meeting his coming up. I have mentioned the date to him already. I'm thinking of asking him to plan what we'll do that day. That way, he'll know the expectation is there, but it will give him a chance to show how he feels in a way other than with words.

He's worth it all!

It might be easier for him to express his feelings on paper, but then again it might not. It is worth a try. I wouldn't write many pages to start with though, start out easy and lessen the pressure of how well he must perform in his answer. It doesn't have to be snailmail, it could be just an envelope next to his morning coffee or something. I really appreciate when my wife gives me little somethings like that. It doesn't have to be more than two sentences on a piece of paper. Or once she attached a string to a favourite chocolate of mine in the fridge and let me find the other end of it the moment I got home with a little note saying I should follow it. It's the little things that matter, the gesture is often more important than the actual gift/note, atleast to me.


I know I would freak if I got a general task like that, I wouldn't know where to start, but that might just be my ADD talking. I would appreciate being told specificly her expectaions, a movie might be wrong if she really wanted a quiet evening at a restaurant, and a meal at a restaurant might be wrong if she wanted to go to a concert. I don't know what to tell you, people are different, so are Aspies.

I am sorry. Maybe I am just lucky that my Aspie is so good expressing his feelings. Thought that could work. Maybe you just need to be a little patient and give him more time. I can tell you over time my Aspie has changed A LOT (well, it's being 17 years already). You continue trying and being caring and loving, maybe he will eventually get used to talk and to open up. Maybe not, but I think it is worth trying. Try to hold to what you have. I have learned we need to choose our battles. We cannot have the "perfect" relationship. If he is right for you in everything else except that, maybe you should learn to be a little flexible. My husband also finds me to "cold". When he talks to me about it I try to be more caring and loving, but that is just not the way I am. I love him, and I do show my love in other ways. I just do not like to be constantly touching, hugging, kissing him.

Does he usually notice or celebrate birthdays or anniversaries? He might not see the point of it but it's important he understands it's important to you. How about give him a list of the top 3 things you'd like to do and ask for his top 3, decide on mutually interesting ones or combine them, and if there is no obvious favorite then put them in a hat to be drawn at random? That's just off the top of my head, never tried that but that's how I might approach that situation.

I think it could be this too. I do this around my family and people I got close to. Have you ever seen how he acts around his family?

Once I went out with a close friend to meet 2 other people and I talked a bit and tried to act cheerful when we were in the group but when I was going back in the car with my friend I didn't talk at all. My friend wondered why and it was because I felt comfortable enough to recharge around her.

You said he has been cheated on many times. This may have damaged him and made him even more hesitant to open up his feelings. I know I would feel that way, although I am a girl.

I understand how you must feel about the situation, but I don't think there is anything funny going on. He probably feels really stressed and pressured and possibly upset when you try to talk to him about opening up his feelings. My first bf and I were in that situation. He kept "complaining" about the way I was and I freaked out and took it as the fact I wasn't good enough socially but I knew I couldn't help it, which stressed me out a lot. Another thing was that I could only express myself via text message. There were many times when we went out together and then after we separated I started sending him messages containing things I wanted to say when we were out but couldn't. His response was always: "why didn't you say this 10 minutes ago?"

About the cats, I think perhaps he finds it a lot easier to be with animals than with people. Cats don't have social expectations. I could be with a dog the whole day and never get mentally drained.

Last edited by Shroomy on 23 Jul 2012, 12:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Bf and I struggle with this a lot,
with him (NT, but Aspie-ish) being the one who wants to "recharge" occasionally,
and me (Aspie) being the one who craves being with him all the time.