some aspie women get dates,other aspie women can't

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some people have all the luck, others have little or no luck.
a lot of random things in life happen primarily due to chance and luck.
one day your fortunes may change and your lucky ducks may line up in a row.
you can go out more and put more energy and effort into pursuing the elusive special one or you can set your standards lower and settle for someone who may not be your dream match.

I've been taken to task for this in my relationships. Inevitably, it comes down to "Why don't you *need* me?" and I'm always flabbergasted. Why would you (the man) want to be with someone who *needed* you instead of *wanted* you? Ultimately, it shifts the tenor of the relationship for me.

I'm proud that I don't "need" anyone and that my relationships are of my choosing (but they're few and far between, because I don't toe the feminine line, I think).

I also only ever want balance, but I want to retain autonomy over things that affect only me, too. Some people have trouble with that.

I've been told I'm fairly good looking. That probably explains why I'm not more of a loser.

So the solution to all your problems isn't social skills training, just try your best to look like an Abercrombie model and there you go. Problems solved. Now if I could cut from 17% bodyfat to single digit, I'd be set. Women are much friendlier now than they were when I was 230lbs and fat. So Aspies, the simple solution to your problem is become more good looking and wear preppy clothes. Much easier than like, retraining your entire brain.

A big problem I have with women is I'm totally oblivious to them flirting with me. Utterly. In high school, I thought a girl grabbing my butt was making fun of me, so I yelled at her and flipped out. I didn't know it meant "Hey I wanna bone you." Another time a girl was asking me questions, and one was like "Do you know anything fun to do around here?" and I answered "Nope, I don't do anything fun." I didn't know she was flirting with me until she got paper to write her phone number down. So apparently, I'm a huge idiot.

Dat Aspergers.

I have to agree with you on this one.

I might get hated for saying this but I think looks matter. I think the aspie women who get date with little or no problem are not that bad looking and the one's who struggle to get dates or almost never get a date are not as attractive as the one's who do.

I remember a topic on the social anxiety forum where a woman wrote ''trying being an unattractive social anxiety woman, men will avoid you like plaque''.
and it not nice for men to be to be mean to unattractive women.

maybe they are just not seen attractive in their own society, perhaps look somewhere else for a partner?

In my experience, one has to be AMAZINGLY strong to stand up to a woman when she's wrong - because when you say so, the inevitable response is EXTREME anger and hostility... "How DARE you tell me I'm wrong!! !" Whether you approach with flat facts, gently, firm... it's rarely taken well.

Support when right? Well, what if she's always right - even when she's not? We men hate that!

Yeah, women tend to react pretty violently (not literally speaking, most of the time) when told they're wrong. It's because for the most part, they're more emotional than men. So a man you could be like "Hey, the way you're doing that is wrong." And there'd be no/very little emotional response. But then tell a woman, there's a lot more emotional response going on, rather than logical thought. Even Simon Baron Cohen in the empathy tests accounts for this fact, and says a normal score for a woman is higher than a normal score for a man. Now, this doesn't mean all women, but on a whole, I do believe women are more emotional than men, and base things much more on how they "feel" rather than logic.

One problem I have with women is because my low empathy score and alexithymia (according to SBC test, like 14/80) is I can't connect well with emotional communication. So a woman will tell me, say, her car is broken. Instead of being like "Aww, I understand..." I immediately just try to think of a way to solve the problem and am like "Oh, needs a new alternator, pfft, go buy one at the junk yard and look up instructions online on how to put it in, here, this junkyard here is great!" I don't usually get in those kind of things, the person may be talking to me just for emotional release of some kind.

With my mother for example, she's paying $15 a month for a warranty for her car that covers oil changes and that's it. An oil change costs $15. She can only get one every 7500 miles. So basically works out to every 3-4 months. So that means she gets a "free" oil change every 3-4 months. However, on any of the cars we've ever had, getting her to buy oil at Walmart has been like pulling teeth. When an oil change with filters and oil bought at Walmart, costs, guess what, $15, or $25-30 if you want synthetic. Women are easily persuaded into decisions like this.

As far as telling women they're wrong, I asked my mother to buy 2 bottles of anti-freeze for the cars. She buys 2 bottles of pre-dilluted 50/50 antifreeze, for around $9 each. To be fair on my part, I didn't say undilluted anti-freeze (I might have, though, but let's just say I didn't.) She said the undilluted bottles were more expensive. The undilluted bottle is the same size, but costs $12 or so. But you get double the amount of anti-freeze. I pointed this out to my mother, she's like "well at least I saved money buying the two bottles" and I was like "No, you didn't." And then she was like "I'm about to cry if we keep talking about this."

Most women seem to react similarly to situations like that. I'm not saying you do, but yeah. That is why it is hard to tell a woman she is wrong, though. Most guys who want a woman's company learn to just be like "Aww, everything is OK!" even when it's not. Then this leads to silly passive aggressive behavior and big giant arguments once in a while between both parties, because they simply can't discuss things rationally at all because one party (usually the woman) flips out and takes it all as a personal emotional insult.

Totally know what you mean. I have seen my female friends react to their husbands like this. Not all women are like that.

That's actually the problem I had with my old roommate. She was always right and was horrified that I had the audacity to have my own opinion. She would just go off and sulk, she never shouted at me. Although I did use the words "how dare you" once when we had an argument. So hey, I'm not perfect. lol. I did try and reason with her, but she wanted her own way.

Sorry, my experiences of living with other people are only roommate examples, I know relationships are different, but I haven't had a relationship since I was in my teens. I tend to be more of a logical reasoner so I figure I could cope with a discussion with a man. My best friend's husband doesn't shy away from telling me I'm wrong and I never shout at him, but that's different I suppose. Again this is someone who used to be my roommate. I do argue back, but I like the challenge. When he says I'm wrong I generally am wrong, which is either good or annoying depending on how you look at it.

Last edited by hurtloam on 19 Dec 2012, 12:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's why I don't have many female friends. It' soo difficult for me to do. I pointed out my friend had posted a hoax on her facebook page and all her friends went mad at me for not being supportive of her wrong information.

Really? So you think that looks don't have a correlation to the likelihood of a person getting a date?

I think that's plain incorrect. A good looking person will always find an easier time getting dates than someone who is okay looking, and they both will find dating partners easier than someone who is below average.

Look at your statement where you have to have not only a go getter personality but also do stuff. A good looking woman will be approached in the supermarket, at a bar, at the library, at the traffic light, at work, walking down the street, hanging out at the bus stop, etc. Hang out with good looking people (women) in and you'll see the number of "walk ups" far in excess than when you hang out with a below average person.

Simply being good looking and smiling is enough. Heck, you can have nearly any kind of look (quizzical, sad, upset, etc.) and someone will be there to start the conversation and see if they can help.

I think finding a long-term partner is more about finding a compatible person personality-wise, which is hard to do no matter who you are. I wouldn't be comfortable accepting dates from a stranger on the street even if I did get asked. I don't know how that would help an aspie woman. In fact I'd think that those men would probably get rejected more times than not for personal safety reasons.

This just occurred to me.... I've had a coworker tell me that someone else wants to ask me out on a date that day. He said "don't act weird". Yeah, well I think it's impossible for me to not act "weird" so I never got asked out by that guy even after a few days where he had the opportunity. Also, I didn't even realise that he liked me.

I think that guys can be put off from asking out a girl who doesn't understand the gender roles of dating. I'd need to be complacent and "nice" or typical, otherwise I think he was scared off. Hence why I never get asked out.

Maybe for NTs and really hot aspie chicks. But for everyone else, there is still that aspie awkwardness that scares men off and if you don't do anything no matter what you look like, you won't meet anyone.

Merle is right.

Yes looks matter - obviously.

I was stupid and went through a period of trying to be normal, part of that was learning social skills and dating, and I had 2 boyfriends in that time - but doing it almost caused a mental breakdown because I pushed myself far, far too much. (In my defense I was undiagnosed at the time)

But there is also the matter of what one other poster mentioned - if the girl in question has a social circle of some kind (it doesn't have to be the traditional kind), has at least one hobby that requires other people, and at least occasionally gets dragged to parties by friends.

Most girls find boyfriends through mutual friends or acquaintances, through interests that they have in common, or simply by chance. Generally the first method is the most common, and the most reliable. Most women do not date random strangers who approach them in bars, clubs or elsewhere. At least if the person is known through a friend or acquaintance, you can find out more easily and quickly about their character - that's why women invented going to the bathroom together in groups for.



Yes, but they also present a challenge to a guy. If you are that sort of person, and you find that you cannot present that vulnerable vibe that makes guys feel wanted and needed, then you need to be able to challenge them instead, in a way that is interesting but isn't combative.