I feel like a monster

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So I have been alone most of my life, I have a good family home life but when it comes to a special person to love I have always been alone. I started dating this girl around 3 years ago and quickly proposed to her after like 8 months. I am not really sure if I love her or not but I played the relationship like a game. First you date then you get a kiss, sex, engagement marriage. I assumed the feeling would come later. This girl is out of my league or I thought so at first. I'm glad I proposed when I did because if I would have waited her mom would not have gotten to see it because she passed away a couple of months after we got engaged. After her mom passed she changed, she sleeps a lot and has lied to me a couple of times, nothing big but a lie none the less. I then got laid off and we have been engaged for a couple of years.Currently I'm in school wanting to wait till i get out of school to get married, I'm just not sure if this is the women I want to merry, I dont know if I have feelings for her.
I recently got a job working around a lot of hot women, I cant tell if I'm just lusting after them or if Im having feeling for them. I get that adrenaline rush kinda feeling around some of these women, it pains me to say it but I dont think I get that feeling around my fiance anymore. My fiance is a decent women, she dot not really have a lot of drive being content working a day job which makes decent money. We get along and she puts up with my crap, She is not the hottest women iv ever seen but I have seen worse, her body is good, I have been having these thoughts on and off for the last year and a half and they have gotten worse scene starting my new job working around all these attractive women. I just want to feel the way I used to and not have any doubt, but some of the things she does worry me, she cant seem to stay awake longer than 10 hours and if we have kids how is that going to work.
Emotions are hard for me, I dont know if this is possible but my whole life it feels like I can fall in love almost instantly and the feeling is very hard to get rid of. Also I have never been the time to sleep around, I have always wanted to just to play the field for a while but I never got a chance to do that, I dont even think I am the type of person that can do that but for some reason I still want to. Logically I think it makes sense to stay with my fiance but emotional I think I need to break up with her and start over, I just dont want all the time we have spent together to go to waste, I also do not want to hurt her, or rather I dont want to feel the pain that I will feel knowing that I will hurt her. Some times I wish I would just die so I dont have to deal with this decision. Are my feeling for other women justified as just being horomal or do I have a real problem on my hand.

i don't know about the big issue, but sleeping a lot after losing someone is probably a normal grief response. if it lasts more than two years, help should be sought.

The "can't stay awake longer than 10 hours" bit intrigues me. Are you saying that if she wakes up at 7AM she's already in bed by 5PM? That would mean she goes to work and comes straight home to sleep. Geez. Why do you guys get the time to talk, go out to the movies or a concert, or even a dinner in a nice restaurant? I guess you don't, huh? Is your socializing kinda just restricted to the weekends when both of you are off? She sounds like she's depressed if she has to sleep that much.

a lot of times she wakes up at 6 if she does not do anything after work she takes a nap. we are currently trying to figure out the sleep issue she is seeing a counselor and going to docs to get other stuff figured out. The big issue is I dont know if I love her anymore or if I ever loved her to begin with, I play the relationship like a game thinking I could grow to love someone. I see other people and think I wish I was with them but I dont know why. Me and my fiance have a lot in common but (and here is where I want to bang my head agents a wall for thinking this) in the looks department she is lacking, she is still hotter and skinner than I ever thought I deserve but for some reason it does not feel like enough. I am in constant war with myself, I dont know if its normal hormones or what but I want to sleep with half the people I see, I work with a lot of attractive women as well and I want to go out and date but I know thats not who I am. I worry that if given the chance I would cheat on her. I dont want to deal with this emotional crap. She seems like she would be a good partner, she had a decent upbringing, looks really young for her age is a descent height and is not allergic to much. She does have a genetic disorder in her blood but we are not sure if she has it or not. ALL OF WHAT I JUST SAID SHOULD NOT MATTER but I want my children to be healthy. ARRGH I dont know what the hell is wrong with me.

It sounds to me like that initial spark from the relationship has faded, and you're after it again. That's extremely common, and happens to the majority of relationships I'd say. It also sounds like it's largely just about looks than about actual compatibility, and really just about the question of "can I do better?". It might be good to see a relationship counselor, but are you generally satisfied with the relationship? I don't really see any complaints in your post, other than looks. And you have to also keep in mind that looks fade over time, and don't have the same holding power as an emotional connection, so if you're looking for something long-term it's best not to focus only on that one aspect, or you might be disappointed 5, 10, 15 years down the road.

And I certainly don't think you sound like a monster. You haven't cheated so that shows that you have a good moral basis. And I would hazard a guess that the majority of people feel similar to how you feel at some point, it's just a matter of how strongly they feel that way and how they act on those feelings.

Cass, it sounds to me that you admire and get along with your girlfriend, but that you are not in love with her and perhaps never were. You want other women more than you want her. Knowing that, it's a shame that you are engaged to marry her. It will be a worse shame if you marry her.

You say logically it makes sense to stay with her. Why? Is it because you have doubts that you can win one of the women to whom you're more attracted?

I know you don't want the hassle and hurt feelings of breaking up, but in the long run, staying together with your fiance (given the fact that you know you would cheat on her given the chance) will be a bigger hassle and greater heartbreak later.

The honorable thing to do is to separate yourself from this deserving woman before you devastate her by cheating. You will be doing yourself a favor also; there's much to learn about yourself before marrying anyone. Being alone for while will facilitate that.

she is so intertwined in my family, My mom has become like a second mom to her showing her stuff her mom never got a chance to. She just seems immature some times, see frustrates me sooo much some time, she will say shes going to do something then not do it, but she has a good heart, sometimes I think she is not that smart, while looks matter its also her personality, we get along very well she is very easy going and I am very set in my ways, I dont think anyone else would put up with my crap. I cant even tell her any of this because she gets worries she has low self esteem for some reason, a couple of weeks ago she said she felt like something is wrong (ironic right?), but I said no everything is fine. I talk about not liking people lying but im the biggest lair of them all. I'm getting older I dont have time to look for someone else, there is too much wrong with me that no one else will understand, maybe its her lack of intelligences that leaves her ignorant of my problems. Or maybe she is smarter than I.

I remember thinking I proposed too early but I also remember thinking Im glad I did because although I did not know her as well as should have the little things I found out were mostly good things. I just want to feel the way I did a couple of years ago. Part of me wants to play the field and sleep around, but that was the same part that wants to go out and party all night (something I dont do). Its like there is a me I want to be and a me that I am and the two of them are fighting for control. Maybe I have forgotten the pain of being alone, maybe I have become jaded. I do know that if I ended things with her I would (most likely) go into a depression. I KNOW that if I broke up with her she would go into a deep depression and be messed up for years, Maybe I just need to accept what I have and who the real me is. I can talk with her about the little things.

Its really odd there is this young girl that I work is 19, she is attractive and sometimes I would think about leaving my fiance and going with this girl but then I think about it, she is too young and she is not that intelligent also she goes out and parties a lot, so then it leads me to believe that it must just be lust. After all lust would make a lot more sense seeing as how I feel it for multiple people where I work (I work in a big place).

What I would tell someone if there were having this problem is If you dont feel anything there is nothing you can do about it you just have to accept it and move on, it will hurt like hell for a while but in the long run you will be better off because of it. its soo much easier to say than do. I dont want the change that comes with breaking up with someone, this is my longest relationship by far (only my 2nd).

There is nothing to prevent her and your mother from continuing in their own relationship regardless of any of your relationships. Or are you saying that you would marry her in order to fulfill your mother's wish? (And by staying with your girlfriend because of the expectations of others you are working up to bitter blaming if your marriage feels stifling.) Please take personal responsibility for your relationship choices.


It's not ironic. Something is wrong and she can feel it.

Its not so much for my moms sake but for her sake. I think I love her I do not want to cause her any pain. I don't think she would be able to cope with losing my family. Its so weird, I cant tell if this is just me lusting after other women (which I would assume is natural) or if there is something really wrong. Some times I wish I did not exist so I did not have to hurt anyone.

You could do what I did, finish with her thinking you could get somebody better, then finish with the next one for the same reason, etc etc until you find yourself too old to attract anybody and start remembering how lovely those girls really where that you finished with and then you can kick yourself for the rest of your life.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15333621

if you continue this inquiry, by your inquiry itself, you will see her less and less favorably.

my advice is to just be with her, without questioning it, for a trial period. if you do not do this, the outcome is a foregone conclusion.