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Taybot97
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08 Jan 2013, 1:23 am

Ill get to the question in a minute, first some quick backstory.
Me and a friend both like the same girl. He has stated out loud he does but I haven't. Once I realized that, I started to move away from thoughts of asking her out and began just being friendly to her (which turned out to be good for me). He got her number about a month ago but hasn't made any advances after, but based of previous comments he may do something soon. The entire time against what I want to happen I've been trying to help him (actual advice, not sabotage. He just doesn't listen).

Backstory done. Would it be wrong to see if something happens (wait about a week or two) and if nothing happens ask her. I would let him know how I feel (and that I've felt that way for a while, I feel letting him know that the feelings were there before I knew about him would help him understand) and when I failed to make my intentions clear gave him his chance (he vocalized his attraction and I didn't feel I had to right to step in at that time). He didn't do anything so I will, after all I had done (waiting for him, and trying to give real help) he wouldn't have a justifiable reason to be mad at me.

Problem is NTs aren't as logical as that, he will still likely be mad (emotions > logic, according to observations and my dad). Which I'm fine with as long as its temporary, but how will a 3rd party react. I'm not the only person trying to help the friend ask the girl out, will the others (friends of both me and him) be angry at me too? I can stand one friend mad at me for a week or even a month but not all of them. If the risk is too great then ill just find a way to shove the girl out of my mind.

That should be everything needed to help me but ill put some extra info in this quote (for ease of separation) if you want to read more

Quote:
The comment he made, referenced in the first paragraph, was similar to "I'm not going to ask her out over text". He said it a few days ago when about 6 of us were playing COD and someone brought the subject up. I don't see how asking someone to lunch or any other activity over a text is any worse than in real life, its worked for me before. Also the comment makes me think he has either barely or not at all communicated with her over phone, but that is based of my experience and should not be viewed as fact (just theory, or hypothesis. Whichever term is the correct one)

About 10 days ago I told a mutual friend that I would ask her out if he (friend 1) didn't. I'm not sure if he took my comment seriously and I know he hasn't relayed to information to anybody. I didn't state anything beyond that (including how long I've had that thought). This happening before the gaming session mentioned above. It was the same friend mentioned here that brought the subject up.

I nearly asked the girl out just before thanksgiving but got to scared and didn't. That was before I knew my friend wanted to do the same thing. In the time after that I've had some real conversations with her and feel more confident around her. Being friendly paid off in this way. its also 'we have 3 classes together' kind of friendly, not the friendzone kind of friendly.

If that helped you understand the situation better than good. If not then sorry to waste your time, but please still respond if you have something useful to say



tronist
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08 Jan 2013, 1:39 am

personally, i believe in 'dibs', basically. that seems to be the most fair / balanced way of approaching said situation. he called dibs first, so if it was me i'd tell him how you felt about her, and tell him if he doesnt make a move within ~2 weeks then you will make a move on her in the future (i wouldnt do it soon after he asked her out). it seems kinda icky to call dibs on a girl, but in terms of being fair, i think this way is best.

i mean, if he is just going to admire her from afar without doing anything about it, he doesnt deserve to have her. then again, if you were to ask her out before he did, after he confided in you that he liked you, it would hurt your relationship AND likely hurt the relationships of your other mutual friends as well, as you said.

i also dont think its possible to ask her out without hurting the relationship of your friend who likes her. maybe if you wait a really long time after he tried and failed, so he can recover from the rejection BEFORE you make a move on her, but even still it would be hard for most people to not feel some sort of negative emotion, be it jealousy or what have you, after that type of thing would happen.



Taybot97
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08 Jan 2013, 2:13 am

@Tronist
Either I'm reading your response wrong or you misread my post.
As of right now he has not asked he out on even a first date and he has not be accepted or rejected. I would only act within the next week or two if he does nothing. If he gets a rejection I would hold off for longer than that.

When I think of 'dibs' it starts to make her sound like his 'property' which she clearly isn't (not unless he asked and she says yes atleast, and even them only in a figurative sense), but I can't think of a better way to describe the situation.
I guess in simple terms what I'm asking is, when does dibs wear off? I mean, at what point can I do something without causing substantial permeant damage to the friendships of any involved parties.



EmoGlambertAspie
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09 Jan 2013, 4:47 am

If the girl doesn't like him back go for her. You wouldn't be taking anything from him anyway and life is too short to make a sacrifice that big thy doesn't help your friend much anyway. I was in the same boat once and the guy wasn't into my friend at all, and it didn't change the friendship. She accepted that me not going for him wouldn't make him like her anyway.


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Ann2011
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09 Jan 2013, 10:35 am

Ooh tricky . . . I think bluntness is called for. Tell him that if he doesn't make a move you will. That way he knows where you stand and won't feel that you've blindsided him (especially because you have been helping him to ask her out - if you don't tell him your feelings he will feel betrayed.)



aspiemike
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09 Jan 2013, 4:48 pm

Ah... the bro code. Every one guy who has their good friends must follow this with eachother. Just like the poster who mentioned dibs.
Anyway: from my perspective and let's say I'm the other guy. I like her and want to ask her out. I communicated this to you and you for some reason are helping me. Based off the details, i would guess that you know more than I do about the girl and that is why you are helping me. I am not going to care what your feelings are right now because I already called 'dibs'. If you are going to tell me that you like her, I will want you to communicate this. I will want to solve this in the best way possibe. I do believe my feelings may get hurt one way or another, but the other bros in our group should have both of our backs and be reasonable in this situation. Once you tell me how you feel, our bros better be there for us to make sure we don't fight over it. The other bros will have to be accepting and respectful of this girl's decision as well.

Now I can't say that is how your friend will feel, but this is how I would feel.