Being friendly/being used

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A peeve I have in the dating game is when you're trying to be nice to a lady and get to know her better, but she just strings you along. I'll bring them candy or a present and they smile and say "aw you're so sweet" and then never call, text, e-mail, or return any of mine. They never want to hang out, even though they're the ones who say we ought to get together sometime for fun, the only time they get back in touch is when they want help with their homework. After a while I figure out I'm being used and just stop talking to that person. I always have to laugh when people complain about being "friendzoned". I don't even get the friend. I'd take being "friendzoned" if it meant anyone would return my call once in a while.

If you gave them gifts unasked they are not obligated to give anything in return. They don't owe you anything. If someone only calls when they want homework-help, then that is the relationship they want to have with you, even if it's at odds with your wishes. You're not obligated to be their homework-buddy either. Stringing along is a strong word, if anything not having any contact with someone is the opposite of "stringing along". Saying "we should get together sometime" is a polite phrase NTs use that may or may not actually mean that you should do that (often it doesn't).

People don't do nice things out of their conciousness, they do it because they want to fulfill a need of being nice and doing a good deed to others. When someone forgets to acknowledge another's generosity, watch how quickly the nice guy turns into bitter and resentful person. (paraphrased quote from the "Secret of Letting Go" by Guy Finley)

What she wants from you is help in getting her through her classes. What you want from her is more than that. She sees right through it and knows you want something from her. If you showed any frustration to her over this, she would have seen the same typical behaviour I described in the paragraph above. It's actually very typical for a person that wants something from another person to act that way as well.
Were you upfront with her and tell her that you like her?

I wasn't clear about a couple things: if I bring a present it's for their birthday or some occasion that we're meeting. It's not like I bring presents all the time like a stalker and expect to buy myself a date. I'm not that stupid. But I think if someone you know shows that they care, you should be appreciative and at least return a phone call. Frankly I've been on the other side of that, and I certainly always write a thank you message, offer a dinner, meet up, whatever if someone sends me a present on my birthday. I think that's just courtesy. I'm not talking about people I should expect would be impersonal, but people who come to me and act like they want to be a friend, and always make promises to meet that they never keep. Helping them out with their homework is usually after I've talked with them for a while not the initiator of relations, so it's not like that was the setup from the beginning.

You are right though that I'm responsible for not continuing on with any relationship I don't want on certain terms, and I have let go a few.

In reply to aspiemike: Again, both of you seem to think I was saying I start off being a tutor and expect something to grow out of that. It's the other way around: helping them out with classes is what the relationship usually comes down to being, not the initiator of relations. I don't expect any quid pro quo arrangement, I just expect if someone acts like they want to be a friend to keep in touch. And yes, If I like someone I always start off with asking for a date, but sometimes you need a little more time to get to know someone.

Last edited by clonazep on 06 Mar 2013, 6:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Alright. But if they're not your friend yet, they're not obligated to do something as nice back (and there are times when there are differing opinions of what actually constitutes "nice", someone might not want that gift/compliment/whatever no matter how good the intentions are). Not even in the name of courtesy. You might get hurt or sad that it didn't work out, but then change focus to someone that would like to have that kind of connection.

I certainly believe they're my friends (and obviously they may not really be), which is why I get them gifts. Again, I'm not expecting any quid pro quo situation, I'm talking about people who acting as though they were interested in me personally and I've spent some time with and I'm generous in return. It's not as though we have impersonal beginnings and then I'm looking to bribe my way into more attention.

If you aren't getting anything out of it, quit helping her. Simple as that.

And that's not just a way of saying if you aren't getting in her panties don't help her.. If you aren't getting any sort of fulfilment out of helping her learn, or fulfilment out of just being nice to a person.. simply put if you're just doing it to try and make HER feel good.. but you aren't doing it to make yourself feel good.. then you're probably wasting your efforts.

Look, I know being "used" as a study help is very common among aspies, and I know the "I did A, why was the response not B?" in social settings is a very common thing. And maybe what you wanted with this thread was validation, that all would agree that whoever it is you're courting is a b***h, and maybe some advice on how to get with her anyway. But this is not really about her and more about how you feel about this, and I tried to at least give you another perspective. By all means, keep being generous, and give your gifts to someone that you know will give you gifts too. There's more people out there.

Stop buying them gifts.

"I bought you this, so you should like me now"

I've never bought a woman anything until we were already committed for a while.

I empathize with you, OP, and understand your frustration. I know its' not much, but at least I won't attack/judge you.

I'm starting to get tired of this all out war against "nice guys" I'm starting to see everywhere. Sure, I understand that there are some guys out there who are only pretend to be "nice" to manipulate people. But surely, this can't be the case for everyone. What about the genuinely, sincerely good people out there?

I've had to learn the hard way to be even more selective than I already am. I used to be nice to the point of naive where people did take advantage of me, but even then, I never got resentful or held grudges. I just became hurt and confused more than anything else. Sometimes a stranger can show you more genuine kindness than people you thought were your friend who betray/disappoint you.

So my advice to the OP would be to just become even more selective than you already are. If you ever do go out of your way to do good for someone, make sure you don't expect anything in return, not even a tiny favor from that person. This way you will be pleasantly surprised rather than disappointed.

when they only contact you for assistance with homework instead of in other ways, they are setting boundaries for the friendship. you're taking it further or faster than they are comfortable with, and they are telling you that this new arrangement is no longer comfortable for them by dialing it back a few notches (while not cutting you off completely).

if someone bought me candy or presents for my birthday it would be strange unless we were dating. my friends didn't really do that unless there was a party or a celebration in place, but maybe your friends are different. i think different groups of friends probably have different traditions. but if a man was interested in me and showed it by buying me presents on special occasions before we were a couple, that would be a big turn-off for me. it would signal romantic interest to me and i would take a giant step back to make sure that he knew i was not interested (because the gifts would have killed any potential interest for me personally. that's the key - you have to know the women well enough to know if they will want to receive the gifts before you give them. i don't recommend taking the chance).

if you want to keep these women as friends, perhaps you will want to cool it off quite a lot and treat them as friends instead of treating them as potential love interests. just enjoy their company for a while and they can enjoy your company too, but with no strings or expectations attached.

Yay I got something right about women!

some women might like it, though. the 5 love languages thingy might be a key (gift giving was my bottom choice for how i experience feeling loved). the problem is that a person can't really know this very early on so it's a crapshoot.

Uhm yea, I stay away from gold diggers.

Someone who is valued as a true friend provides something to the other person that they cant get from most other people.

If someone ever sees me as their gophor or errand boy, I delete them out of my phone immediately and move on.

This.

If you´re feeling used, chances are you´re better of without them.