What now?

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I'm at a loss of words right now. I'm not quite sure how to think about the subject anymore. The woman that I could've had a relationship with is off chasing someone else. I've been really close friends with this woman and we were talking on and off. But her busy schedule kept me on a roller coaster ride for a whole year before I said enough was enough.

So I told her that we should stay friends. She had a bit of a reaction to it (which was ok) and she took it in. But she still had feelings and kept sending me messages like "I miss you" and always wondered what I was doing while away at college. We were talking on facebook after something happened to me (medically, I'd rather not talk about it) and mentioned seeing someone else when I asked her if I was going to see her anytime soon. She still had the same mixed feelings when I said enough was enough.

Now, I'm back in that same boat of confusion and I'm in that state of "where do I go from here?" I can't afford to have my heart ripped to shreds again, but I cannot stay alone. Those thoughts of loneliness will continue to cloud my brain, and I refuse to accept a false statement that being alone is better for me.

I want to be with someone, but for God's sake, I can't bring up the Goddamn confidence to do it and I can't fight myself from holding me back.

I don't like the idea of online dating, I think that I should be able to meet someone face to face and build up the balls to do everything in person. But I'm trying way too hard to not try and build anything at all (if that makes sense). I'm trying to build something without the foundation.

I try not to throw in the towel over this, because the day I do is the day I die.

Bad mentality.
If you "need" someone because you don't want to be lonely, you are setting yourself up for disaster.

might as well open up...

reason being behind what you quoted was because the night before, I had noticed a ton of unexplainable blood in my mouth when i went into the bathroom in my room. No clue where it came from and i was in a state of disarray and shock.

Did they find anything serious?

If not, I'd bet it was just a nosebleed, which would make sense if you were lying on your back. It could have started in your nose and backflowed through your nasal cavity to land in the back of your throat. Sit up without opening your throat, and it flows into your mouth. Not to be graphic, sorry.

They happen randomly to just about everyone once in a while. I almost never, ever get bloody noses, but I've woken up in the morning 2-3 times in my life to find blood all over the pillow and my face for no reason at all. You never know what can set them off. People get the blood vessels in their nose cauterized sometimes if it happens to them a lot.

Anyways, don't be too worried unless they know there's a real problem, is all I'm saying.

Her not giving you a straight answer IS her answer.

Move on. Live your life. Have fun. Enjoy every day. Be open to meeting someone else, then when it happens, it happens.

Considering the way I am and the confidence I bring toward women, unless I find a way to build that up, there may not be that moment when it "just happens."

Then work on that first. As with anything you want to learn & do in life, you have to master the basics and build a good foundation from which to build upon vs. try skipping straight to the end game and having great difficulty with it. Change your focus from searching for someone to focusing on yourself and improving your self confidence/reducing social anxiety etc so that you set yourself up for a much better chance of success when you do happen to meet someone.

A few of my friends suggested this, but they never said how. It's hard for me to try to build up my own confidence when I have no clue where to start.

While not every bit of this book reco will be applicable if you're not depressed, but the general things you learn about thoughts dictating emotions and emotions dictating actions, as well as about various types of thinking that can destroy your sense of self worth makes it worth reading, IMO. I've read several books about changing negative thought patterns and some of them are just too simplistic of self-help advice. This book is quite a bit more detailed as it was written by a Psychiatrist, so it has a lot better quality info about the basics of how our minds work and think, and then how we feel as a result. Understanding the logic and mental mechanics of it all starts giving you the foundation of what you need to know in order to start working on your mental perceptions of yourself. Sure, there may be other factors at play that knowledge and written therapy exercises can't fix - but this is at least a good start in terms of learning as much as you can about it, and about yourself - as being open to learning about yourself is absolutely key to accepting potential treatments, solutions, additional diagnoses that may also be treatable if you understand them and so on. Anyways, the book I'd recommend reading is "Feeling Good," by Dr. David Burns & is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in book form. You read it & learn enough about the workings of the mind and how to effectively reprogram it, then follow through with the self administered exercises and tests, choosing whichever type of exercise or chart to fill out depending on the problem you're working on. There's also a number of questionnaires in the book that help give you a better picture of yourself and your various personality traits, which ones are strong or weak and need to be adjusted or fine tuned, why, and how.

I read the book last Summer. Hindsight is always 20/20. If I could turn back the clock I'd have read it as early on as I could, as knowing what I know now.. well, if I'd known it for longer I'd be in an even better position than I am today.