Frequency of contact in relationship

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oddness
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11 May 2013, 5:10 pm

Is it common for a long term girlfriend and boyfriend to message each other every day, sometimes just to say how are you and sometimes to discuss important things that have happened?
Does it mean they depend one each other too much? I mean if they are not married and have no plan to be should they take such big parts in each others lives?
If it feels right for the two people involved then is it right?
Anyone who doesnt live with their boyfriend/girlfriend how often do you contact them and is that by message, by phone or what?



Kinme
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11 May 2013, 5:16 pm

I tend to contact my boyfriend daily and send him stupid stuff via messaging. We will talk about random things, but sometimes they can be serious. It just depends on the day. No, I don't think people depend on each other too much if they contact each other on a daily basis. If some people perceive contact on a daily basis as clingy, then they may think it's a bad thing. Really has to do with who is involved in the relationship.



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11 May 2013, 6:20 pm

oddness wrote:
Is it common for a long term girlfriend and boyfriend to message each other every day,

      Yes
it means what it means, nothing more. it's normal.


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11 May 2013, 6:22 pm

When I was a teenager and had a boyfriend for a while, at different times, yes. Several times a day even. Especially right before bed. Always call before sleep to say goodnight.


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11 May 2013, 6:28 pm

I think that daily contact is normal and expected, even if its nothing more than "Hey, how was your day? Good? Mine too". I think it's only clingy if you don't respect the other person's boundaries, or if you feel as though you absolutely can't go without talking to them for a day or two.



Anomiel
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11 May 2013, 7:26 pm

You might want to read up on attachment styles, and especially about what's considered a healthy attachment style as the answer to your question is there.
I think what level you are comfortable with depends on your attachment style. If you have an avoidant attachment style then almost anything will feel like too much, if you have an anxious attachment style then what you described might be too little. If you have a mixed attachment style relationships are basically chaotic. It doesn't matter if you're planning to be married or not, or the "planned longevity" of the relationship (most people do not decide that in the beginning of a relationship as it can evolve with time) your attachement style is what it is. Though it can depend on how attached you are to someone as you probably wont treat everyone the same way.



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11 May 2013, 7:46 pm

Yes, it's normal.


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Catmint
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12 May 2013, 1:13 pm

Absolutely normal! My betrothed (we're not officially engaged yet so I can't call him my fiance at the moment and boyfriend often doesn't carry the same weight as fiance, and we've promised ourselves to each other - it's when, not if, we get married - so "betrothed" seems the most appropriate term) and I text each other loads, he usually calls me on his lunch break (not always - I'm a part-time MA student and his lunch hour varies depending which shift he's on - and I work part-time in a deaf school so there are occasions when his lunch break clashes with when I'm in uni or school), he usually calls after work, and he always calls when one of us (whoever's first) is going to bed to ssay goodnight. He lives about 100 miles from me so we only see each other at weekends. Sometimes (ie. when his flatmate has actually paid the month's internet bill...) we talk online as well during the week.

Different couples have different levels of contact; you have to find what's right for you. Some people say that frequent contact is clingy, suffocating and a sign of insecurity, and while that's sometimes the case, if both parties are comfortable with it, it doesn't matter how frequent the contact is. My betrothed and I like communicating lots and neither of us see it as clingy, but I know other couples who can go several days without more than one or two texts, if that, and they're fine with it.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to finding what works for you and what's comfortable.


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