Buying drinks, paying for dinner, opening doors, blah blah..

Post Reply New Topic

well,maybe don't go to bars.

Hehe. And after all that conversation they are getting along so well there's no need for the drink buying anymore.

I agree. Gender roles and social conventions exist, following them is generally helpful if you want to get anywhere in life, but doesn't mean they are not bs. Social conventions have lead to a pay disparity between men and women. How do we treat this whilst dating, well the man is dominant and takes control of a financially inferior woman.

This is why I'd be very wary of paying for a woman: surely anyone can see how degrading the situation is and that's bound to offend some women?

A girl who goes into a date expecting me to pay for everything (as well as open doors, pull out chairs and all that other outdated chivalry nonsense) won't get a second date with me. I prefer my partnerships equal. Then again I tend to date bisexual girls who find my defiance of traditional gender roles attractive........

I can honestly say I've NEVER nor have I ever known anyone who knew anyone who EVER was offended by a guy offering to pay for a date. I know people who DID offend women by not paying though.

I don't think women are offended by the offer, I think women are offended by the attitude that can pop up when she insists on paying for her share/half of the date.

My first reaction is to do the chivalry thing; open doors, pay for the drinks & food etc (not that I have very many opportunities to do this, mind you). I do it partly because I'm older and a bit old-fashioned, but the other part is because I like doing it. I have always made more than my dates, so I don't mind paying. If they say that they want to pay their part I just say OK and let them without arguing.

I was against the idea but I ended up accepting it, what can I do? 99% of girls here expect them! Let alone my other limitations.

Even the bisexual girl I went out with hinted later that it's a stingy thing for a guy to pay half (yet she insisted to pay half, wtf).

So I gave up to go again the mainstream on this, seriously.

I love it when guys pay my dinners

But I am definitely willing to pay too!

If a guy or a girl asks you out they are the ones that pay. If you offer to pay, it's fine, but I think that sends a message that you aren't interested, because you were invited to join them.

Unless if you are in a relationship and both decide to go out on a date, and you discuss it before or while the bill comes, sounds fine to me. Depends on comfortability with each other I guess.

While I have no experience in the matter, I have thought about the situation. I always thought this was about displaying dominance (or alternatively just following tradition without really thinking about it).

Even in a group of males it occasionally happens that the most outgoing one would pay for something for the entire group. I used to be uncomfortable with that and tried to argue, because I don't like to feel like I owe anyone anything, but I've decided that that's irrational and learnt to suppress it. Irrational, because it's only perceived dominance - perceived by him. I don't have to actually accept his dominance if I accept the freebie. So now I just accept it, so they get to feel all alpha, while I get something for free. It's a win-win, really!

So what would I do? Well, if I asked a girl out on a date ( ) I would certainly try to pay for her, but would be favourably impressed if she paid for herself. Well... it's probably a bit more complicated:

Accepts me paying without fuss =>neutral
Makes fuss => negative (regardless of who ultimately pays)
Pays her fair share (ie. actual cost or close to it) => positive
Pays, but considerably less than her fair share => negative, but with benefit of doubt (may have been unintentional)

But conversely, if a girl asked me out ( ) I would expect her to pay. Hey, if she's liberated enough to ask a man out on a date, she's liberated enough to pay for it, too!

So now I'm curious: what does happen?

FMX, interesting points, especially regarding the dominance thing even between men. I would feel the same way about that too. I don't think I have experienced it though, between women. If a female friend offers to pay it's because she asked me to catch up, or because she knows she earns fifty times what I do (but usually my female friends who earn heaps more than me still expect me to pay my share).

Most often, the guy will attempt to pay, I'll say that I'll pay for my own meal, and he says no it's fine, and I let him pay. It's an annoying few seconds. I think most guys, even if they think splitting makes more sense, will try to do the traditional thing anyway. I have more luck if I've already gotten my money out before he has gotten to his wallet, but even then, I often have to put the money back because they insist, and that's damn annoying.

It made sense back in the 40s when women couldn't really work or go to college. Now, it is just a relic of the past. Women don't want it to change because they get lots of free stuff, and men don't try to change it because they want said women. A vicious cycle!

Not to mention, I don't know if women realize how expensive dating can be for a guy! A typical cheapish restaurant will run you $20, if go somewhere fancy or go do other things afterwards it can end up pushing the $50 range! I think that splitting is more common and accepted now though, but it seems to only be that way after you already pass the dating stage and enter the relationship stage. In the initial dates in my experience, women always expect you to pay for things.

Eeeexactly. People tend not to change things even when the new way makes more sense. So they come up with reasons to keep things the way they are, like "I'm old-fashioned".

I meet plenty of people on weekly basis.
Most of them are new people I havent really seen before.



You go to the place where I meet people and ask who do you need to know and the first name after the organizers is mine(been offered to become an organizer repeatedly but I cant commit due to my current situation of living at home and the fact that this group is on week days and ends late at night which upsets my parents a bit).


On a standard night I can interact with about 15 people.
Its not unusual to be offered a drink by someone I just met that night or to be waiting to pay for my meal and have someone else ordering at the same time pay for my drinks.

This is all done under the same purpose:
"I get the next one later on", "I return the favour to them next week"...
It means that they have enjoyed our interaction and wish to repeat it in the near future and its done by people of both genders to make sure that I make time for them in the following weeks.

Most of the people that know me do have other ways of letting me know that they wish to speak to me but since I dont have that much money right now clearing up the fact that this isnt needed isnt really a priority as long as it doesnt get out of hand and someone starts doing this weekly/not letting me pay for any of my drinks(happened once but because someone treated me badly and I proved them wrong months afterwards so they felt bad, once it got out of hand I said it was more than enough)


In a way I believe that the dates do have some sort of similar explanation
"You get the next one", "you return the favour"...
Meaning I have enjoyed our date and I wish to meet you again in the near future

Im not really comfortable doing it because the way I see it it puts the other person on the date in a compromising position, feeling that they "owe" you a date in the future/something beyond a date.
There has been plenty of talk about this subject so I dont think I need to go further than this.


If someone has a problem with my attitude towards paying in dates, even after I explain this to them, then they are not worth dating in my opinion.

Yes, I may have to be alone for a longer period but Im currently in no rush to go back to dating.

I'll do these things for friends in general.

And it applies to dating in a way I suppose, but it's not a prerogative of mine like "I want to impress this girl so I will pay". If a woman expects me to pay for everything just in principle, that's a no-go. Going on fundamental "dates" is a disaster for me, I have learned that I rarely connect with women either way, and when I do it's hardly in the conventional sense.

I met my current girlfriend when someone invited her on some ill-advised kayaking deal after class one day in grad school, it didn't work out and we were the only people who didn't get butthurt about it (a positive attitude, a good indicator for me). We talked and went out drinking that night, and I subsequently "wooed" her by passively inviting her over for dinner and movies when she happened to call me a couple days later while I was smoking bong rips and drinking 40s at home by myself.

Call me a scumbag, it's fully warranted, but it's been 3 years and we're living together now, so whatever works.


My previous girlfriend I hooked up with a couple random times in college (though I was sort of friends with her before that) and then had the awesomely romantic idea to puff a shedload of weed using matches in the stairwell of a dorm and then go to a movie. I ended up with her for almost 4 years.


And I want to be clear, the degeneracy of the circumstances shouldn't mask the fact that these are brilliant and highly successful women. I am absolutely blessed to have associated with either of them in any capacity. My tactics for doing so were clearly horrible in a "dating" sense, but it makes sense to me in retrospect because friendship came first, and on a very basic level without any BS about who paid for what.