My "my valentines day was okay" thread. AKA Ode to

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Sorry, but I've been deciding all day whether or not to post a thread like this and I think there needs some more positive things on here, so I'm just doing it.

I'm not trying to piss anyone off by rubbing whatever wherever, it's just that this place needs to be a resource and an insight rather than just a place for things that have gone wrong. I'm guilty of using these forums like that as well, and I realize its good to find recognition in your pains, but saddening not to find too many stories of how people are seemingly finally succeeding in overcoming them if not only just a little. I'm feeling happy now, and I want to share it with you guys as much as I wanted to share my pain before. I hope you understand it comes from a good place in my heart towards the people here on WP.


Background; I started studying again in September after having a couple of rough years being all alone and rethinking about how to proceed and dealing with the always present autism side of my life. I've chosen to not hide and fake anything any more to try and "be like them" when it comes to dealing with people on a social level, but expect/demand/require from anyone interested in becoming my friend to understand they can't use their "default" setting when dealing with me and have to put extra energy in making sure we understand each other correctly (intensity differences in showing feelings for things, honesty in words versus expecting understanding from hidden intentions/queues, all that sort of stuff). I accepted myself and my situation as a baseline, and that it would only really improve if someone would be willing to accept that as my basis and build from that. With that mindset I've been able to feel really confident about myself, not that people would all of a sudden be lining up to be my friend, but that if one did, he/she would accept from the start that "our relationship" was going to be different from what they are used to. I would keep asking for clarity till they either got sick of me asking for it, or started giving it to me.

Since starting university I approached several people, and several people approached me, and some of the ones I had expected to "click with" didn't work out, but the one I pretty much had the least expectations for, has turned into what I now, 4 months after me sending her a 3 page long "want to be friends?" message consider the best friend I ever had (which is a paradox in a way, I know), and she says she feels the same, and I believe her (now). No one has ever tried to understand how I feel and think because I always tried to feel and think on the same level "as everyone else" and therefore never gave them a chance.

Over the last couple of days she really made me realize the mindset I'm living my life with now is the right one and that I've always been a huge jerk for thinking that it's my job to come 100% "to the NT side" and thinking NT's have always been stupid for not accepting -my- 99% perfect "NT nice guy routine" and not trusting/taking the time to find someone who -is- willing to come 50% -my- way while only asking 50% of me for a total of 100% "us", something like that. I can't really explain it too well, but she proves she's right by trying just as hard as me to try to figure out what "our AS/NT terms" are opposed to expecting "the NT way". It used to make me sad when she said she thought I was "normal", thinking she doesn't understand the whole autism thing, but I understand that in her eyes there are no "different" people, just good and bad.


It really hasn't been easy, we've had fights and tears and surely more will follow in the future, but yesterday we had a great day in the city shopwalkandtalking and made each other feel special and loved and I'm happy she's in -my- life, not some life I'm faking while burying my real feelings and thoughts deep inside.


I'm therefore still suggesting more people here give my "out of the closet" approach of dealing with autism a chance. We've been able to deal with some many topics (I'm of course only telling you a part of the story ), just the mere fact we've been able to have fights (I -never- had real fights before (sure, I've accidentally spilled drinks) because I never demanded anything and always adapted in silent agony), is all because we both accepted from the start there were going to be things we had to deal with. To give a simple example many of you may recognize; It's just something I can't stop my brain from doing, but I'm very afraid of the whole "fade away without notice" thing that happened to me many times before, leaving me completely clueless and feeling like s**t for weeks *cough* months/years *cough*, it's like the "friendship feeling reservoir" in my brain has a really big hole in it and either needs to be empty (because I'm used to that) or filled up regularly. We've compromised and come to a point where I trust her enough to actually believe her promise of saying she will say to my face to "f off" in case she feels that way (she can't wait, haha, I can't ask it any more or she'll do it), and in return she has to send me a smiley to let me know she's busy and will talk to me when she can/wants or I get to ask if something is wrong (not necessarily with "us") without her getting pissed off about me always worrying and expecting the worst. So far she hasn't missed a single time, and on days I send her nothing but my "part of my routine every day" good night message, she replies me with a message rather than just a smiley. Today was one of those days, and she said I was awesome, and that's why I did decide start this thread in the end.

Thanks for reading.

I think you've developed a healthy disregard for the stigma of autism spectrum, more than I have I'm sure. I hope I can use the same effect to improve my own situation.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos