What's YOUR trick for engaging strangers of the opposite sex

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I feel like I need to take a step forward if I'm to make any further progress in my romantic life. I need to start putting myself out more into the real world and meeting people. And I DO do this..I go to the monthly art gallery shows, called First Fridays. I go to movies and public events, and the occasional cafe for a baked good.

And I do engage with strangers, but the key is they're always romantically unavailable to me, and hence there is no "danger." Like, if it's another guy, or someone I know is married or with someone, I have no problem going up and starting them in conversation.

But if it is a woman whom I find attractive AND who's relationship status is unknown to me...I have a lot of trouble. I'm not quite like Raj from The Big Bang Theory, but I'm close. I just...can't bring myself to say Hi. I usually need someone to break the ice for me, which isn't often because I'm usually out and about my myself.

We've all been there. I have this fear that my intentions will be plain. I mean, I don't pursue women purely based on attraction...that is just the firs step, and I care more about getting to know them, and I'm CERTAINLY not looking for a hookup. But I fear all the same that when I approach a woman, they'll see right through me, and say "Keep walking," or something.

Which I know is completely illogical that anyone WOULD do that, and if they did, well then they're an awful person anyways. But still there is the fear. Not to mention, I just don't know how to break the ice, or what to say, and I fear coming off as a complete social incompetent.

Have you all developed coping techniques? Men or women, how do you approach someone whom you find attractive and want to engage in conversation?

Do you actually want a relationship? It's possible, judging from your posts, that you just want to fantasize about it ...

I don't know, I've never been in one, and I WON'T know until I try, will I? I'm asking for help.

You don't know, you say? Well, there's your answer.

Yes, I don't know what I want, only that I want to try. I may discover I'm not for relationships. But I DON'T KNOW. And I want to eliminate that doubt, because I am interested in experiencing what relationships have to offer, to see if that is something I want long term. I want to improve and get better at these things. I want to take control of my life, and overcome this fears I have and I'm asking for help.

Last edited by Brianruns10 on 30 Dec 2013, 1:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Please don't feel like you have to do anything special or feel you have to "trick" them. Use the same approach you do when meeting others that you aren't attracted to. Try your best not to be intimidated and try not to focus on the fact that you're attracted to her...use some relaxation exercises or do a bathroom break beforehand to calm yourself if the feelings are too much.

Romance doesn't happen right away, so be patient if you find someone you click with as it usually develops very slowly over friendship first. As a woman myself, I can vouch for the fact that they prefer that men treat them as people and not as some foreign, mystical creature pursued solely for romance or other purposes. Treat them as anyone else you are meeting, and don't over-think things.

I've stopped bothering with the romantic scene altogether. It's such a waste of my time and energy, having to deal with another person in that way. I learned the hard way when I was dating my ex-boyfriend, so I've sworn off romance completely. You know what? I'm not in the least upset about it, either. I'm comfortable enough in my own skin to where I'm perfectly happy by myself.

Tricks are for men who like to manipulate women. That's how I interpret it. It seems very antagonistic if you ask me.

Same can work for women and tricks they use on men.

No one can help you get what you want if you don't even know what you want.

To me, you just only "want" a relationship because you don't have it. What happens when you do get it? Stop wanting it? How unfair and cruel that would be for the partner.

Manny, to be fair, I think he's making sense, he can't know until he tries one.

Most humans experience some kind of relationship (puppy love, sexual..wtv) through their teen years, so they start to learn what they want from relationships little by little throughout their life since a very early age, but he didn't even experience any of that.

Be easy on him, he's not a typical case, he's like most of us.

I agree. With no relationship experience, how can he know what it is like to be in one, or what to expect from one? That is what he is trying to say I believe. And from reading his posts, I think that a relationship would do him a world of good both mentally and emotionally.

Thank you all for explicating what I've been trying to say.

Look, I just don't have much experience. I had no romantic entanglements in high school or even college. Nothing went beyond a few crushes. Sure, I expressed my feelings for others in a few cases, but they weren't reciprocated. I didn't even experience my first romantic kiss until my last year of grad school, which was just four years ago, and that was more of a goodbye, since it was with a dear friend who was moving out of town, and this was her last day prior.

Since then I've tried more and more, but because of anxiety issues and a lot of things having to do with AS which we all know about, I've not found much success, and I've relied upon online dating, which has increasingly proven to be problematic.

I feel it is time to step forward, and try dating along more normative lines, in real world situations, but it is a scary unknown for me because I have very, very, very little experience base.

It may turn out that I don't want a steady relationship, that I value my privacy more. But at this point I don't know WHAT I want, only that I want to try and experience these things. I DO KNOW that I get lonely at times, that I'd like to experience romantic love, even if perhaps it is fleeting, and I'd enjoy some companionship. I want to experience what is a fundamental aspect of human existence, at least, even just once.

Because I don't like to make any decision based upon ignorance. Rather, I want to make a choice for how I want to live my life, based upon experience. I want to be a well balanced individual, and if I indeed choose to remain single, I want it to be founded upon a basis of experience, from which I can conclusively say, "That wasn't for me."

He'll screw up, and then know where he made mistakes. The other person is also an adult who can make their own decisions. Living your life in fear of doing incidental harm, no matter how minute, to others is untenable. You have to be willing to be hurt, or deal some hurt in order to find out where your boundaries are. Perseverating on the emotional state of an as of yet fictional person in some future situation is dumb. Why bother talking to anyone at all? When someone says "Hey I kinda think I want a social life, how do I do that?" "go to your room and think about what you will have done" is not a helpful answer.

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In response to OP, people like jokes. Have a few on hand and be ready to think them up on the fly. If you are pursuing someone you are attracted to you can compliment them on an accessory like shoes or jewelry. If the gem is the same color as their eyes the expected form is the jewelry "brings out" the color of their eyes. if you have been talking for 15 minutes or more and their legs/ chest are facing towards you and or they are leaning towards you you can "accidentally" brush against their hand. If they recoil their hand and have a negative facial expression than do not ask them out/ for a number etc. If they have a positive facial expression or laugh make a joke and then ask for a number etc. the combination of jokes, compliments, and "accidental" hand touching constitute a basic pattern of flirting. If you have a talent displaying that talent can be used to pad the conversation, eg if you can draw drawing on a napkin and presenting it as a gift can be flirting. If it is someone you know offering them a gift of food/drink can be used to initiate flirting.

Jokes should be as non-offensive as possible and not insulting to the recipient or their interests.

If you detect you may be rejected end the conversation on a joke and leave. If you press a failing conversation it will worsen matters. It is acceptable to get up and leave the situation so that you can process the situation. Do not mention the failed conversation in the future or talk about your intentions. You can also move to another area and talk to someone else.

You can expect some form of rejection between 60-80% of the time you approach a stranger so don't take it personally.

Define success as having a good conversation. Don't worry about getting a number/date. Keep an eye out "hints." These will often take the form of an abrupt/unexpected open ended question. If you answer a question and they repeat the question as if you had not they are dropping a hint. over time you will get better at spotting these and learn how to respond to them. Your first few times you will probably say the wrong thing. That's ok. If everyone had perfect social skills no one would be single. People have reasons to and not to want to date. Another poster on a different thread is breaking up with her BF because she is under stress from school. People have motivations we can't always comprehend and being rejected doesn't necessarily mean that you've done anything wrong.

Not everyone who flirts wants a relationship or any interaction beyond flirting, just fyi.

He had some form of relationship in the past (if I remember correctly).

Also, to the last poster above, this isn't the only thread he's made about this same thing. People in the past have given him lots of tips and advices and hope. It's up to him to see for himself what he really wants. No one can really say anything for him here that will have much impact on him in terms of insight and self-awareness.

What do you want help with, Brian, exactly?

What do you expect any of us here to do for you that would actually advance you in life in some way?

ok. I know that when I ask questions like this I'm actually seeking instructions / technical details. generalizations don't really help me at all. sry to be an enabler.