newish boyfriend seems to have aspergers - do we continue?

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Hi -newbie just found this site which seems amazing. Sorry first post asking for help but here goes....have been dating guy met via internet for seven months and some wonderful qualities-kind, generous, intelligent, hardworking-but also major issues arising which I feel point to aspergers... Mostly around inability to be present with me, voicing internal thoughts so conversations tend to be monologues, not recognising cues in conversations, lots of other clues ... So I ended relationship Sunday but now am wondering if he does have aspergers should or could I rekindle and try to help?

Sigh


Does it matter anymore?

You only got two things reversed, just try to help and see where things go. Presuming you're right, things will get confusing fast, but as far as relationships are concerned, confusing is what I gravitate to.

Hi cheeseandbees. First, welcome to the board and two, cute name

Okay. Forget for a moment about the Aspergers Syndrome and think about this:
Do you find his qualities outweigh his faults?
Do you think he is ever likely to change, or be willing to change?
Would you still like him if he didn't change?

Now, thinking about the Aspergers Syndrome for a moment. If he is on the spectrum, that is something he will have to find out on his own. An ex coming back to him and saying he has a mental health condition or is on the spectrum is most likely going to come across as bitter or condescending than it is helpful, so it's better to let him come to his own conclusions on this and maybe find a way to bring it up without telling him. Like leave books or leaflets lying around, add a bookmark or two into his favorites on the computer etc. Also, it's worth noting that if he does has Aspergers, this is not something you can understand in order to "fix" him AKA. mold him into the boyfriend you want him to be. There are things about him you won't be able to change or fix, and that is something you're going to have to take or leave.

I hope this helps and wish you both a happy future

Does he have a formal diagnosis? If so, you have to bear in mind, he doesn't mean to be like that, it means he loves you. As far as not wanting to be seen with you, it's not YOU, per se. It's other people, Aspies aren't fond of social environments, which I assume is what you mean when you say he doesn't want to be seen with you. Idk, I'm sure you can figure something out.

I was about to post the same thing as JanuaryMan.

In a nutshell, leaving Asperger's aside, you can still just think over his qualities just like with anyone else, and come up with the answer as to whether you want to continue this relationship. Just like you would with anyone else who exhibits some stuff you like, some stuff you don't like.

It kind of doesn't matter whether he's on the spectrum or not, issues are issues and even NT people in relationships can do this whole thing of "There's stuff I'm not happy about, how do I weigh-up whether to go on with this person?"

It doesn't make any difference whether he's an NT with issues you don't like, or his issues you don't like are caused by Asperger's; -- all that matters is do YOU want to handle them or not?

And then the next thing about maybe it IS Asperger's -- again, I agree with Januaryman, this is a highly personal thing HE has to deal with himself. I'm very, very leery of other people trying to force someone into "Hey you know [b]I[/i] think you have Asperger's so YOU need to start finding out if you do, mkay?"

I don't mean to sound as irritable as that seems -- I'm just reading on this board so many people coming here saying THEY want to make some other unsuspecting person think they might be on the spectrum.

Look I totally get that in some cases that person is grateful and if it hadn't been for a friend pointing it out, they wouldn't be accessing the help or coping strategies they have today after a confirming diagnosis. I get that and respect that.

But I still think a lot of cases of someone just sticking it in some poor person's face is intrusive.

.

After years of dealing with this same issue. I have come to the conclusion that if you love him as he is and you know it will work, then stick with him. If you don't think it will work like he is. Then leave him be to find someone who can love him for who he is.

Love with someone who is aspie is no different than love between NT's.

If it fits, it fits... you should never go into or stay in a relationship trying to change someone.
Nor should you go into one thinking there is something wrong with them. This places you in a superior position when it is supposed to be a team.

Love him for who he is. Or don't.

Sounds like you'll just mess him around and make things worse.

Not going to bother repeating what JanuaryMan says. He is pretty spot on.

As for the one thought of mine that occurred when I read this message... you dumped him. Going back to him will likely confuse him if he is in fact Aspie. And trust me, Aspies don't like being confused either. You may come across as someone who can't be direct or honest if you do come back, so choose your words carefully in the event you choose to talk to him.

Wow thanks for speedy replies. for clarification when I say doesn't seem to be present with me I mean tuned in...I had just got off the phone to him-he has been struggling all his life with feeling different and I am trying to help him make sense of it all... He thought he maybe had adhd but the other stuff just fits... But I take on board points about being a doogooder although I am exploring ways to make a relationship work rather than trying to fix him. Maybe though we can't and I need to accept that... He is very kind and funny but has periods of depression and is very lonely -his words- thank you for your help..

Off the top of my head, I'd say that, since you decided at some point that you wanted/needed to end the relationship, if you continue it should be "only" as friends. And not "with benefits," either.

Now, that's off the top of my head. Sometimes people end relationships and really do later realize it was the wrong thing. Seen that.

If you are going to consider getting back in the relationship-- and if (BIG IF) he would be open to that (a lot of Aspies, once they are hurt by someone, can't trust them again for a looooong time if ever), read what JanuaryMan wrote. Read it again. Read it again. Copy it into your journal, post it in the first place you look in the morning and the last place you look at night. Carry it around with you.

If you don't find that his plusses outweigh his minuses-- and by quite a bit, because that balance will tip as you both grow older and the minuses become more entrenched for him and more irritating for you (and vice versa)-- don't waste your collective time.

If you don't think that you could be happy with him if nothing ever changes, don't waste your collective time.

Aspies CAN learn and change...

...but we will always be Aspies. We will always monologue in unguarded moments (and one's home must be a safe place for unguarded moments, or it will be a very unhappy home indeed). We will always struggle to be present, and there will always be times when we're going to perseverate on something (whether because it is very interesting or very distressing) and be flat-out unable to be present.

We will always miss cues in conversations. We can work on it, even to the point that we pick up some cues as "second nature," but it takes A LOT of work. I'm extremely high-functioning; it takes someone very educated in ASDs or me making a self-disclosure for it to be picked up. I still only pick up about 60% of nonverbal and conversational cues-- and that takes a conscious effort that can be utterly exhausting. I can pick up more-- maybe about 75 or 80 percent if I work VERY VERY HARD-- but at that point I am putting in so much effort that my ability to converse suffers quite noticably (to the point that it is worse than letting it go at 60%) and it becomes so exhausting that I no longer have the desire to interact.

That's a way to get along with an unpleasant bureaucrat or a disliked relative that one just has to deal with at weddings and funerals. It is NOT a way to run a marriage (or a friendship, or even a casual acquaintanceship for that matter).

Learning to pick up those cues involves a LOT of trial and error. It isn't fast, it isn't easy, and it isn't pretty. It's interesting, but it is a LONG HARD ROAD. There is a lot of guesswork, a lot of screw-up-and-try-again, a lot of analysis. It has a nasty habit of provolking anxiety and depression, and frustration and anger too. It's HARD. It's hard for the Aspie, and it's no picnic for the "normal" people going through it with him/her. My husband and friends have been through HELL and back with me...

...and I'm still an Aspie. Always will be.

Good luck. You seem like a nice girl, and I too wish you both the best.

+1
It's also driving me crazy.

Going back to him now that you suspect Aspergers could come across to him as you wanting to be with him because he's a charity-case.