women at work, I'm over 50-HELP

Post Reply New Topic

There is an attractive women 49, very shy, she's a smoker & us smokers hang together on breaks in the area we're permitted to smoke at outside.
For two years I've been chatting to her & very rarely get a response back. She does smile a lot and some days she dresses up like she's going to a night club for a pickup. Over these 2 years I think I have her interested in dating me. She knows just about everything about me from listening in during break conversations with the others in our group. I know so little about her. She has lived with her parents her whole life 49 years, has a son that's now 29, he has his own place. Never married. Dated some guys I heard from her friends. Talks well on the phone to our clients and others in the office...but for some reason she disconnects when it comes to me. I know she needs to find a guy since her parents plan on moving to a condo for their golden years & she's not invited.
I've fallen for her, but when I ask her out she looks at her PC monitor & makes an excuse. I've sent her personal emails(not at work) & never get a reply. I set up a google+ blog and sent her messages, lyrics of classic love songs, put up animated gifs trying to get some kind of a response or just a reaction. Even just a leave me alone would be great at this point.

I came here to Wrong Planet to find out how to support her since I see she has some differences and as I signed up as an NT, I've since changed it to a maybe for myself. I've had issues with dating my whole life and as I've read many articles & post to the forums, I'm feel'n like many of you do to.

Could this be the issue that we both are in the spectrum? And can this even work.

I'd like to hear from guys & gals in our age group of 50...
back when we were kids you were either totally screwed up or you were considered normal. And to be honest with you I always felt I never fit anywhere in my social groups and learned to act out my whole life so far as an NT.

There is something that happens to her when I want to connect and I've found no way around it or though it & I know from her friends she wants us to be together. I am frazzled over this.
Please help me
thanks

There's no nice way of putting it: She's not interested and you're running the risk of being a bit creepy.

Sorry.

It is very sweet to hear about your office romance - I say this with the upmost respect.

You have analysed a lot of information about this woman in your head, which at the moment is as far it has gone. I would talk to the woman and explain how you feel, set the stage and tell her what is in your mind but be sure to get her attention first and give both of you a proper chance at romance and happiness.

Take control of the situation and be firm with your thoughts and feelings, there is a chance for both success and failure but selfishly; you can't go on liking a female colleague to this extent when there are lots of other women who would love to be with you waiting out there

I think CharityFunDay nailed it. The lady is just an office friend, and isn't into you in a romantic way. If you keep trying to push the issue it definitely will be creepy, and she can report you for harassment. That would go in your employment record, and could get you fired, so back off for your own sake. Just keep to being office friends. And in the future, don't try to find romance at work. It's just too risky to your job, if the other party takes things the wrong way.

I'm a very shy female just a few years younger than she is. I smile a lot, and I think that some days I dress like I'm going to a night club for a pickup. I talk well on the phone to clients and others in my office. I've never been married.

When I notice a man taking an interest in me, I am so shy these days that I almost literally run the other way. So it is somewhat possible that she could find you attractive but be terrified, especially since you say that you know through her friends that she wants you two to be together.

However, the fact that you have actually asked her out unsuccessfully does not sound promising. Has it been really clear that you've been asking her out on a date, or has it been more of a "come hang out with the gang" kind of thing? It's possible that she wanted to be with you at one point, and has since unfortunately changed her mind.

It sounds like you've taken it really slowly, giving her two years to get to know you. I would definitely recommend you ask other women out too, just in case this one is not interested. And I agree that you want to be very careful not to seem like a creepy coworker. But you may not want to give up entirely. I'm not sure.

Don't defecate where you eat.

Responding to the request for thoughts from those 50+…..

I was in a long-term relationship for 13 years, and have since had bunches of dating experiences, romantic interests, and so on.

In a spirit of compassion, I will echo some previous postings that coincide with my impressions:

1. She's just not that into it.

2. Avoid romantic pursuits at work.

3. It may be prudent to back-off asap. (In my workplace, the scenario described might well be just one step away from intervention by HR or management. But then that is just how my employer handles such things.)

I know from my personal experience how heart-rending such situations can be for me. Best wishes!

Just yesterday I spent a whole evening going around town with a female that age(not our initial plan), talking and all that for about 6 hours.

How did it happen?
She is well aware that I try to make time to meet everyone(someone else was also supposed to join us but didnt show up) and she wanted to do something around town because it was a bank holiday.


What is your problem?
You have shown this woman that you can make time to meet her off works hours and she has stated that she is not interested.
Her friend may want both of you to end up together and all but the bottom line is that if she is not interested there is very little you can do to change her mind about things.


Side-note: do not bring up her housing dilemma with her, she is likely to think that you are just trying to lure her into a relationship and feel even more uncomfortable around you from that moment

She's not interested buddy, move on.

I'll be 50 in April, so I'm in your age group. I also have AS. I have some comments that I'm going to put here, but first I want you to know that I'm not being ugly, I'm just calling it as I see it. Please don't take offense or think I'm being rude to you. I'm not at all.

There is an attractive women 49, very shy, she's a smoker & us smokers hang together on breaks in the area we're permitted to smoke at outside.

We smokers do have to stick together. At least they let us smoke outside in most places. They haven't yet shipped us off to an island or outlawed it completely. However, conversations that we have with others over a cigarette are usually just kind of small talk and unless they are continued elsewhere they should be just taken the same way as a short chat over a beer with a stranger at a bar.

For two years I've been chatting to her & very rarely get a response back.

This probably indicates that she isn't interested in you. When I don't respond to someone talking to me, or respond as little as possible, that means that I'm not interested in them, even as a friend. (I'm married - 27 years in the spring - but I'm always interested in making acquaintances and friends) Two years is a long time to keep trying to talk to her after not getting a response. It can come across in a very unflattering way toward you.

She does smile a lot and some days she dresses up like she's going to a night club for a pickup.

Smiling is how some people politely avoid answering someone they don't want to talk to. Also, what does how she dresses and what her plans for after work have to do with anything? Why would you think that she's going to a night club for a pickup? Maybe she is going out with friends, or out on a date? How exactly does one dress when she goes to a club for a pickup? Please elaborate because I'd really like to know your definition of that. I'm assuming that her clothes are appropriate for work, so what exactly is it about her attire that makes you think she wants to be picked up? Also, you are aware that many people go to bars to meet potential dates there, but not to be picked up, right? People go, have a drink, maybe dance, talk for a while, and then exchange numbers or facebook each other and leave separately and go home. Please explain why you think she's dressing for a "pickup"

Over these 2 years I think I have her interested in dating me.

What in the world makes you think that? She rarely responds to you, you think she is going out to bars to be picked up, but hasn't tried to pick you up at work. Is it the fact that she smiles a lot that makes you think you have managed to get her interested in dating you? Why would you think that?

She knows just about everything about me from listening in during break conversations with the others in our group.

Just standing in proximity to someone talking to others doesn't mean she's listening. She may be thinking about other things. Are you saying all this stuff about yourself to the others because she's standing there and you want her to know it? I'm just curious.

I know so little about her.

Probably because she doesn't want to reveal the information to you. If she wanted you to know more about her she would probably tell you, and engage you in conversation. You work with her. Her private life is none of your business unless she chooses to share it with you.

She has lived with her parents her whole life 49 years, has a son that's now 29, he has his own place.

Lots of people are in that situation. Maybe she lives with them by choice or to help them out. She's obviously able to take care of herself, as she has a job.

Never married.

Again, lots of people don't marry. That's her choice.

Dated some guys I heard from her friends.

Are you asking her friends about her or are you just listening to them talk about her in a public conversation or overhearing private conversations? It's pretty common to date. Obviously she is able to get a date and knows how to show interest in a man. Her love life isn't your business unless she makes it your business.

Talks well on the phone to our clients and others in the office...but for some reason she disconnects when it comes to me.

The "some reason" is obviously because she isn't interested in you. Either she doesn't like you for some reason or this interest in her that you are showing is creeping her out and she is wanting to make it clear that she's not interested. It might make her feel better if that stopped.

I know she needs to find a guy since her parents plan on moving to a condo for their golden years & she's not invited.

Why would she need to find a guy? That statement right there is definitely borderline intimate. I gather you know this information because you have listened to her talk to others or listened to them talk about her, or maybe you have even asked others about her. If she wants to find a guy, she will look for a guy. It doesn't sound like you are going to be in the running for that. If it's your assumption that she needs to find a guy because of that then you are pretty damn sexist and I can see why she isn't showing interest in you.

I've fallen for her,

You've fallen for your idea of her. Unless you are attracted to women who ignore you and aren't interested in you, what you have fallen for is your idea of how she is in private and how she would be if she liked you and was in a relationship with you.

but when I ask her out she looks at her PC monitor & makes an excuse.

She's being polite and trying to get the message across to you that she doesn't want to go out with you. If she doesn't even look at you when she's answering you, she really doesn't want to go out with you. She is making an excuse because that is the polite thing to do. Eventually we stop making excuses and just tell the guy the truth and that's not really pretty when it happens. You shouldn't push her to that point because she's trying to keep it polite. It's the office and she obviously doesn't want friction there.

I've sent her personal emails(not at work) & never get a reply.

Then you should stop that. How did you get her email address? Is this her personal email address or her work one that you email her at after hours? Has the fact that she doesn't reply to your emails not given you even a little clue that she isn't interested in you and doesn't want to pursue even a friendship, let alone a dating relationship? Because that's a huge clue right there.

I set up a google+ blog and sent her messages, lyrics of classic love songs, put up animated gifs trying to get some kind of a response or just a reaction. Even just a leave me alone would be great at this point.

She's hoping you'll leave her alone without her having to say it. You have gone so far overboard with all that stuff that there is no way she's ever going to consider dating you because now she thinks your some kind of obsessed and nobody wants that. The "just leave me alone" is said by not answering you. You keep on and you'll be getting the "just leave me alone" when you get written up for harassment at work.

I came here to Wrong Planet to find out how to support her since I see she has some differences and as I signed up as an NT, I've since changed it to a maybe for myself.

I really don't think she wants or needs your support. In fact, the things you have done so far would probably make her not even want conversation. The best thing you can do is leave her alone because I'm sure she's always wondering what kind of thing you're gonna do or say today and if today is the day that she's got to report you, or if you're gonna show up at her house with flowers or what. I don't know what kind of differences you mean because you haven't said much of anything odd about her except that she's shy. Are these differences you speak of just the fact that she's not jumping at the chance to date you because she "needs a guy"?

What makes you think she has AS? Have you Googled and Googled all kinds of information about female personalities and the combination of "shy" and "lack of eye contact when I ask her out" brought up AS in the listings so you came here to ask us? Is it that impossible for you to believe that maybe she just doesn't want to go out with you or like you rather than she has something wrong with her and that's why she's not jumping at the chance? Did you ask around and someone at the office said she has it, or might have it, or maybe did you sneak a peek at her record and see that she does? As for a maybe for you, you can type whatever you want online, take a hundred online tests that say you have it, read till you're blue in the face about AS, watch YouTube videos about it, and think you might just have it, but until an actual medical professional evaluates you, tests you, interviews you, and then diagnoses you, your maybe doesn't mean diddly squat. It doesn't matter whether or not somebody thinks they might have it. If you really think you have it, go to the doctor. The fact that you think she might have it and now you think you might have it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she doesn't like you and is obviously uncomfortable with this weirdness about her.

I've had issues with dating my whole life and as I've read many articles & post to the forums, I'm feel'n like many of you do to.

Yeah, I can see that. However that doesn't mean you or she has AS. Lots of people have dating difficulties and issues. I would hazard a guess that two years of chasing and obsessiveness might be the kind of thing that causes dating issues for you. Lots of things can cause that. You could spend years on psych forums trying to diagnose yourself about whatever it is that is causing your problems but it won't do you a bit of good until you talk to a real doctor and get some real help.

Could this be the issue that we both are in the spectrum?

No. The issue is that she doesn't like you and you can't accept that so you have got to find some reason why she doesn't like you to explain it to yourself. That's a whole different disorder than AS my friend. I'd seriously talk to a professional before long.

And can this even work.

You mean a relationship with her? Not voluntarily, no. I can't see it working without something involving kidnapping and strong amnesiac drugs and brainwashing. You have creeped her out, bugged her, invaded her privacy, kept on sending her things, not taken a hint, and now are looking for medical reasons why these completely abnormal things aren't bringing you true love. You have gone so far over the top and over the line with this, and for two solid years yet, that you are lucky she hasn't gone to the management and told them to tell you to stop. Or quit her job and found one someplace else and told nobody there where it is. No, this can't and won't work. I'm not even gonna give you a love spell for this because that would be an even greater violation of her privacy.


I'd like to hear from guys & gals in our age group of 50...

You just did.

back when we were kids you were either totally screwed up or you were considered normal. And to be honest with you I always felt I never fit anywhere in my social groups and learned to act out my whole life so far as an NT.

I learned to fit in too. However, you recently started thinking you might not be NT because of some internet search and a girl who is probably NT. Don't be throwing around the whole "learning to fit in as NT" thing quite yet. You probably had to learn to act like other guys. Or tried to learn to act like other guys. NT has nothing to do with it. There are lots of guys on this forum who are diagnosed with AS and who don't do all that crap you have done to her, nor obsessed for two years. I'd be looking at other disorders if I were you, and not disorders for her either. She sounds normal to me, and the only abnormal thing I've heard about her is her extreme patience and not losing it and telling you to stop creeping her out and leave her alone. It's called manners, that's whats going on with her.

There is something that happens to her when I want to connect and I've found no way around it or though it

It's called being distant cause she wants you to leave her alone.

& I know from her friends she wants us to be together.

Really? How do you know this? What was said? Exactly what was said?? When? Ever thought that maybe she's told her friends how you are being and they are just messing with you? If she wanted to be with you she would find a way to let you know. After all that you said earlier in your post, that last sentence sounded like a delusion. That might be a good place to start an internet search.

I am frazzled over this.
Please help me
thanks

I'm not in your age group, but to sort of echo everyone else, I think she's not that into you and you should back off. Speaking from personal experience, I've chased guys; I know what it's like to hope that someone is as attracted to you as you are to them, and seeing every little thing they do as somehow evidence of that ("he held the door for me! That must mean he likes me!"). It sucks, though, that she hasn't directly said "dude, back off," though--I think everyone deserves that kind of respect.

Thanks for all your comments...although some of them sound pretty harsh....but I should have expected it.