Surprise Aspie breakup

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Well I've sent a message. Short and sweet - hope you're ok, I want to talk, just so we can understand each other and move forward, how about Saturday? Obviously a little more fleshed out than that.

This means it will be 8 days since the breakup when we have a conversation, so hopefully both of us will have a clear mind.

I really think it traces back to the issue of communication. With literally everything except sex we communicate very directly; literally say what you think. We always understand each other and function pretty well because of it. Through a combination of underconfidence through inexperience and a desire to make it feel like 'just happens' I tried to go for a more indirect route for communicating about sex and that was what caused it to stagnate because quite obviously she wasn't noticing. I feel like an idiot for not realising this sooner. Obviously she expects that if I was to communicate with her about it I would do it like any other topic; directly. The practical solution? Direct communication. It ain't so complex when you think about it. I just hope she understands and agrees.

Aspie mating = it's like watching two porcupines trying to have sex.

Because men must always apologize, and you're a man. /sarcasm. For TheygoMew, men are always wrong, women are always right, and men have to worship them.

According to his story, he did nothing wrong to apologize. She told him she had a meeting and no one knows how much meetings can last, she could simply text/call to tell him she finished the meeting so he comes back to pick her up, at least this what adults would do.

The whole thing was a crafted drama-queening scenario to exit the relationship, because she's too coward to say upfront she doesn't like him ; I think the bad sexual experience made things go downhill in her head and so she's no longer attracted to him.


OP, Don't Apologize.

Well I suppose that is an interesting theory. I can kind of see the logic behind it... But also not. She only remembered she had a meeting at lunchtime and said something about it, but didn't say she would go to it. It is the kind of meeting you can go to if you like but are under no obligation to attend. So I thought we were going ahead as planned. When we were on the phone during the incident neither of us confirmed what the other was doing; personally that was because I was still going through the options in my head. It takes time to consider them all. If she had planned on this happening, she left a lot down to chance. What if I had confirmed what I would do? That is what is characteristic of me. She wouldn't have been able to get angry then, that would have been totally unreasonable. It would have been impossible for me to pick her up in a few hours because I had other plans. As such, it wouldn't have been a good plan and because of that I don't agree. Had it been a plan with better chances of 'success' I would agree, but I think it was an honest mistake on both our parts.

Anybody else got any thoughts on this?

A drama queen scenario as Boo has stated has happened here before. But the reason the girl did it was because there was another guy in the picture (her ex).
I found out I was being used to make this guy jealous and to see what he would do. He decided to fight to get her back, which I was unaware of at the time as I never met him face to face. It became very clear the last date we had and she was texting him back and forth. Clearly her interest was elsewhere. She kept using an excuse to why she had to see him or communicate with him and she was getting very upset with the contact.

Later on, She stormed out of the car when I dropped her off without saying anything. She didn't want to open up to what was going on. Somehow, everything became my fault and I was a jerk who lacked empathy for her feelings (why would she expect me to care after texting her ex back and forth while she was with me?) I told her that she made me feel used and she came out on the offensive in an attempt to make me feel guilty, which almost worked. I remember being pissed off with her.

Some time later, she was alluding to the idea of getting back together, but I interpreted it as her trying to dangle a carrot and chase her to be rejected (which ended up being true as I never heard from her again for another month). Turns out, the guy pulled the disappearing act on her for a few days without communicating with her and she wanted my attention all of a sudden.

Since then, we somehow have remained acquainted and on good terms and speaking with eachother without conflict.

Well I'm pretty certain there is nobody else involved. There would have been at least some indication, and I doubt she would spend a whole year with someone just to make another bloke jealous.

So far I haven't received a reply to my text 24 hours ago. Hopefully she will say something soon. I am absolutely confident I've gotten to the root of the issue and I know how to fix it with her, now I just need to talk to her!

That could be true too. It did cross my mind that she's seeing someone else. Generally if you apologize, if the person really was upset then they'd accept and move on. It was a bad communication and misunderstanding on both parts. Men are stubborn about apologizing and they act like it's the worst thing in the world. In her mind, he was leaving her stranded out in the cold. Why not apologize for that? She too should apologize for not being more clear.

Men should apologize when they are wrong, but he wasn't.

I bet on my balls that she's seeing someone else and hence why she invented this whole drama.

Man, all is ended, I am sorry, you're beating a dead horse there.

I really don't think there is a third person involved. If there is, she is hiding it really well and I have no idea how she would fit it in. She has been spending a lot of extra time at work (I know she definitely was, I popped in to see her unannounced at random times fairly often). I know there is nobody at her second job because I happen to have a friend who works at the same place who I'm pretty close to; he's a good mate and he would tell me. That and the fact that I've seen the staff photos and there ain't anybody who would appeal to her tastes; all old blokes etc... I see her most days on our daily routine. There is one guy who she is quite close to, but he is also a good friend of mine and he's got his own girl who I've met several times and I can tell he is pretty proud of. There is no way in hell he would betray me like that. We have quite a close knit interlinked friend group, so if there was another bloke involved I would almost definitely hear of it. The only way that would be at all possible is if this man was not affiliated with any of our friends and he only went to her house of an evening. Even then, I have a friend who lives on the same street and there is a pretty high chance he would notice. For the record, it is impossible that they would get on because they actually kind of hate each other and they just don't get on at all. He's got quite a few disgusting habits which she comments on whenever we end up discussing him. TBH she just doesn't have time for that kind of thing anyway. I can see where you are coming from, but the evidence to support the argument is very sparse and based on assumptions.

Based on what I've read, I can't suspect someone else either. It's probably just Aspies being social ret*ds as per usual. You're reading too far into it, Boo.

Good with luck this one. A lot of people here on the forums think that finding an AS partner is some kind of silver bullet, but you know better now don't you?

Can you say the same thing about your ex? Even mentally?

You've never imagined there might be a third party in her mind, did you?

You aspie guys are more likely to be naïve.

It's possible but I think what he's saying is that based on the evidence provided, there's not enough to leap to that confusion.

Even if there's no 3rd party involved, I suspect she's still looking for a way out of the relationship (for whatever reason) but doesn't have the social tact to say it up front.

It's irrelevant anyway at this stage, what's more obvious that she was looking for an exit for whatever reason, like you said.

Yes, she was looking for an exit, the reason being the stagnation of the relationship making it no longer worthwhile for her. That is enough of a reason; she was being pushed away by that and didn't need another bloke to pull her too.

Shau I've got to agree with you on that. Provided you get the communication right, I think it is possible to create a much stronger bond with another aspie than with an NT. NTs often say their NT partners 'really understand them', but with AS/AS it is the truth.

Basically I feel like this is the sort of issue which should be fixed, rather than running away from the problem. In my head I just can't accept the idea of running away from such a problem once the required solution has been identified. Now I'm just frustrated because she won't respond to my message. If she ain't said anything to me once boxing day is over I'll have to get a friend in to talk her round and convince her to talk to me. Even if we don't get back together despite the sheer force of the logic which says we should, I won't be happy until I know she understands my position and the mistake which was made.