A drama of love , help me , NT guy loving a Aspie girl

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Hello , first excuse my English , I'm using google translate .

I am a NT guy , start a relationship with a girl that I believe is a aspie girl .
I'm lost through this situation and wanted to ask for help from those who have experienced this , either through tips, advice or statements .

Our history

Know us on a course , I 'm a nerd , shy and inexperienced with girls face, and she always struck me to be intelligent and introverted ,
One day she agreed to go to the movies with me . There is absolutely nothing happened , but I had expected this because of the way she introvert

Two weeks later , I took courage and asked her to dating , she was afraid .
She was very honest with me , saying he never dated , and she can not reciprocate affection for people , having also lost a great friendship because of it.
Even so , I asked her a chance , and she accepted , since I was aware that I should not expect much.

After that , we met in person only two weeks later , to see another movie , we had fun and asked if I had changed something about what she felt about me .

She paused to think and said it was still the same ( did not feel anything for me beyond friendship ) , and then immediately had a crying fit , she made it clear that it was not anything specific about me , she could not feel anything for no man , though she expected someone special confess that arise.

Also apologized because she thought I was a nice guy and did not want to make me suffer . Also, she told me she was doing psychological treatment because of that and other things like childhood bullying .

I opened my heart and also said he understood it , as it also suffered bullying , and that even with these issues much I loved her and would not give it up , I wanted to be that special person .

Not yet personally met again after that ... we arranged another meeting , but she got sick , now she is traveling with parents and not wanting to meet me personally .

So these days I researched the features of her behavior on the internet , and so I think she has Asperger

My anxieties , I am unable to cope :

Miss - We see so little
She lives just 15 minutes drive from my house, but only met when she can convince me to go to the movies , or stay longer than a week without seeing it in person or hear it , I know that aspies love be alone and I respect that , but who 's dating one aspie normally meets her how often?

Communication
SHE HATES PHONE , we were limited to using chat in an online game OR exchange messages in facebook chat
Except that I suck at TALK IN CHATS , I 'm very tedious chatting , the conversation is empty .
Only in personal conversation I feel good because I can tell when I'm being boring, or I feel rewarded when I can make her smile.


My heart has been hurt many times. example :
- On the last day of class the semester course , we did a test, she finished before me , left the room and left without saying a word to me . : (
- She does the same thing in the chat, simply disconnect without saying goodbye .
- She cleared the last meeting he got sick . It was nothing serious, but I was so worried about her and I went to her house to check on her , she got me a little angry , saying, " but I did not send message advising you? "
- She is traveling with parents in the New Year , we could not remarcaro day to go to the movies , even so I asked to meet her in person , after all did not want to end the year 2013 without seeing her , the resosta it was negative : (
I know it's not intentional, but it still hurts my heart too

Body Contact
I had already realized that she has trouble with it , and I do not want to force anything , talked to her , and she accepts that I hold her hand and touch the fringe of hairs , I can greet her kissing her cheek .
Although she let you do that , I realize that is a great effort for her : (
But what surprised me most was to say that she is sick of kissing on the mouth ( when you think about it , she just thinking about germs and how disgusting is that mole business ( tongue) )

Over time her feel more comfortable with my touch ? It is normal that feeling of disgust , is to circumvent this problem ?

A one-way love?
Relationships between Nts and aspies are anyway ? NT How do I feel uncomfortable in a relationship that seems to be unidirectional , where the need and love just seem to flow from me to her, and I do not receive a return

Leaving only see me as a friend
I think this is my biggest doubt and fear. Is there any record of any Aspie girl who starts a relationship with a friend , and then begin to love him as a boyfriend?

I appreciate any help

These thoughts come to mind:

She may not have enough life experience yet to cope with a relationship. We don't know how old either of you are to guage where things are likely going.

She is a university and has 19 years, and I ... I work in IT and I'm 35. Wow, I know, even though I pretend to be younger than that (everyone thinks I have less than 30 years), the age difference is big.

By insecurity, I never asked her what she thought of it ... but as she is very honest, I think if it bothered her she would say .. well, at least that's what I think ...

Dude... The general rule of thumb is to take your age, div 2 and then add seven. You're in the creepy zone.

But if you can handle it, have at it. Expect that you're in two entirely different places odds are this is simply not going to end well.

I know what I'm fighting against the odds. so I want to understand more about relationships NT / Aspie,,, I love her very much and did not want to give up ...

What do you want to understand? Every NT/AS, NT/NT, AS/AS relationship is different.

No two are every alike.

Most aspies take longer to mature socially, so couple with the fact that she's over fifteen years younger than you.. I just can't shake the feeling of her being taken advantage of.

Even if she is not, I imagine the relationship between the two of you will be rocky at best...

I dunno what advice I can give you. Sorry.

are you sure you love her? how long have you been dating? I tried dating a high-school student once and quite honestly I thought I liked her and then one day I realized I couldn't stand talking to her.

see this post
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt247959.html

Fair enough. Getting past the creepy and taking advantage of the young girl (not a crime) then you have a few things to work out, even if it wasn't an NT/AS situation.

1. There's a huge age gap. Some of the issues you're going to encounter (e.g. emotional and mental maturity) are going to be simply because of the age issue, and not because of any neurological issue. Heck, she could be seriously hormonal and that would play merry havoc with any advice.

2. She could be super hot. This will make men behave badly (go to jail badly), and that must also be a consideration. This can include things like jealousy and/or affections given by her friends which can also cause problems.

3. Okay, the NT and AS issue is common here (just hang out). A lot of it has to deal with how she understands your emotional expressions, and how she doesn't give you any inkling of what is going on internally with her. Heck, she may not even give a rats behind about certain thing (e.g. you getting texts at 3AM from an ex-, because someone thinks it's a way of getting her to "express herself" emotionally to show that she cares).

Gah, Macbook #1 is out of juice. Gotta switch out...

In terms of age, most people who can be labelled with some form of Autism can be extremely immature / late bloomers. Even if they happen to be super smart and skilled in many areas, they can mentally be very much childlike.

Myself now at 29, I would compare myself to an average 17 year old in terms of understanding/functioning in the world around me. When I was 19 I may as well have been 10, I was also very much lost in a bunch of psychological trauma. I was totally unable to understand myself/others/things happening around me, I certainly could not communicate.

Bear this in mind being 35.

I personally think you should leave her alone, because she is clearly not in the same mental headspace as you. She could be happy and grow as a person with another aspie, by herself or with close friends. She sounds, like common with aspies that she is still very much in "development" getting lost in her own headspace, I dont think she is ready to have a much older boyfriend or perhaps any boyfriend with a myriad of expectations beyond her experience or mental zone.

What is it you like about her? Because it seems you just find her character traits awkward and difficult. You should LOVE these, they should be the most enchanting elements about a person. If you just like the way she looks or something, this is not for you.

Last edited by Herman on 26 Dec 2013, 9:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This may be a stupid question, but it may cut to the heart of the matter - how do you know you love her?

The answer is "it depends". Think of contact as a meal. You can have a big & heavy meal a few times a week, or you can snack on a lot of little meals more frequently. The time she needs alone is the time necessary to "digest" the incoming connection. Daily contact wouldn't be absurd, but daily contact of the heavily emotional and intellectual type would be draining.

Let her set the pace, let her know that it's okay for her to call you when she wants. This will also go towards helping her feel more comfortable with you, and to let others know that she is the one calling the shots in terms of meeting in a relationship (e.g. you're not stalking her, you're not pushing a young girl to do something untoward)



Get over it. The problem with the phone is that there can be a lot of dead air, and inflection is simply lost. You may say something "funny" that everyone else gets, but to her it could be just dead-pan monotone.

Think of this as a growth opportunity. Use texts, use SMS, but understand that short and concise messages may be very helpful to her to take time and digest the conversation.

It's also something which she can go back and reflect on if it's something she's unsure or uncertain about. You may not want a paper trail, but it may do her a world of good.



Isn't that cool? She doesn't know how to start/stop a dialogue and may leave you hanging. Welcome to someone who doesn't get the social cues. It's like watching a foreign movie with bad sub-titling.

That's an issue. The little social cues, the polite gestures may not even be there - and she doesn't even know how to reciprocate nor even initiate them. Seeing you hurt (unintentionally!) simply doesn't register (presume it doesn't) so you can't hold it against her.



Ask permission. You're going to want to make her feel comfortable, even with holding her hand. Don't take for granted that because you did something before (e.g. kissed or held hands) that it would be okay forever more. It may have taken her a lot to get to where she was even comfortable



It will be difficult. It should be easier given time, but it will always be difficult, particularly in public.



Yeah, that's a challenge as well. It's a high wall to climb for you (NT) to get her to not only reciprocate on feelings, but to honestly initiate.

It will take time. Understand that when you are "really" part of her life, like a comfortable shirt, it will be easier, but it will never be as easy as a pair of extroverted NT's with flamboyant displays of public affection.



Ewww. I think it's possible, to start in the "friends zone" and progress, but I think overall for a relationship it's much much more difficult to do that than starting in a relationship and going on to remain friends.



You get what you pay for, and this is only from my PoV. As they say on the 'net, YMMV.

There is no way you aren't just viewing of this girl as a challenge and some sort of trophy. Please leave her alone. Sounds like she's already had some traumatic experiences.

Respectfully, I am sorry that you are thinking these things about me, but .. I can not blame you, it's normal you presume what would most likely be ...

But I wanted to reassure you by saying that I am not a predator behind a helpless victim or a pseudo-pedophile, or a man of nearly middle aged looking for a young girl to parade in public. (Incidentally, if there is someone pervert this type forum, I doubt he would reveal his age)

About me, I stress that I'm just a nerd, although I am an NT, my social skills are below average, I'm An adult who has a "mental age" that does not match your actual age. With this my age, and I still like manga / anime / games / cartoons






No, it's not a stupid question , this is a great question, such a good question that I was reflecting half hour and I can not even answer the question correctly : )

I do not know what the correct definition of love, but what I feel about it is :
- A huge feeling of happiness I feel when I'm beside her .
- In her absence, I can not stop thinking about her.
- I think if I did not love her , do not accept this situation be suffering due to nostalgia I have of her and indifference that she causes me .
Seriously , she does not know , but she made ​​me have two bouts of crying , the last seizure I really got sick .
- Despite all this, I do not let worrying about her, her health , and happiness (even for that, I am not included in your life : ( )

about limerance
Well , I read the topic , and have used various definitions for this word . If I use this setting
" Limerence happens When You never ask the person in October You'll quickly see how it fades from When You happen to go out with Them and see who They really are , instead of holding on to this fantasy of what They Might Be Like . "

Wow , this describes many passions that I had . There were several girls I never had the courage to ask in dating , and I was fantasizing about them...

Regarding this Aspie , I had the courage to ask her to dating , and as I said , I can not stop thinking about her, but I 'm fantasizing about her giving me a minimum return , example, when I asked to see her before her trip , which she had said yes . : (

Honestly ... due to a very recent relationship (about a month, with only two meetings) I do not know how to classify what I'm feeling ... Your question makes me think even still, would love, platonic love or infatuation?

I rarely say this but I think you need to leave her alone.

As the others pointed out, many of us are often behind both mentally and emotionally. Realistically you're trying to date a 12-15 year old in mental and emotional terms (and that's using the higher end of the range). She is not equipped for a relationship yet. She's simply not ready, either mentally or emotionally. She may look ready to you physically but it doesn't translate further than that.

Do not proceed unless you would date a 15 year old girl or a 12 year old girl. Because that's essentially what you're doing here.

Please don't do this.