Help! 45 years old and about to have my first real date

Post Reply New Topic

I met a girl called Nerida on a course for disabled and sick unemployed people. Things started to happen in the third week of the course when I ended up sitting next to her. We were split up into groups and Nerida and I were grouped together. We were asked to ask each other about what our interests were and write down the other persons interests. We then had to tell the group what the other person was interested in. I showed genuine interest and I guess she liked it even though we were doing it as a task for the course.

The next week she came in and wanted to sit next to me (how sweet). She couldn't but sat directly behind me. We were asked the previous week to bring in something that we were interested in. I bought in an origami frog (one of those 'unusual childhood interests) as it was the only I could think of that showed something of myself. Some of the group liked it so did Nerida. I told her it was looking for a home and after a seconds brief pause she took it from me and started making it jump on the desk in front of her like a child with a new toy. She has never shown such behaviour since (phew!). At one point she had to turn around because she was being asked a question by the person running the group. She put her hands on the desk but inadvertantly touched against the side of my hand and left it there. I left mine there becuase I had decided I quite liked her. I could have easily (but very unprofessionally so) entwined my pinky finger around hers and she probably wouldn't have minded at all. I've met women like that before. We were split up into groups and I was initially put into the I.T. group. I would have been on my own in the computer group but because of the frog, I was persuaded by the person running the course and Nerida to join the art group. When we left at the end of the session, she went for a coffee with a female that she had made friends with. I had decided to ask her if she wanted to get to know me outside of the course but obviously didn't get the chance that day.

The next week we went to a craft fair. I told her I was going to hang about afterwards and asked her if she wanted to join me for something to eat. I knew she had panic attacks because she was nervous around/wary of people becuase she had been physically abused but like me it is not immediately obvious. She said no. I got the impression it was because she was nervous of sitting in a pub or an open space like me but I asked her to think about anything else we could do together if that was what she wanted. She also told me she was going to see her Mum as well but I got the impression that she doesn't lie.

The next week she couldn't sit next to me but when the session had ended, her friend said that both her and Nerida felt guilty for going and having a coffee together two weeks previous. They asked me if I wanted to join them, so we had a drink and a meal together in the pub. The first thing she did when I got my food was pinch some of my onion rings and chips but it was done in a friendly manner and she gave me some onion rings and chips back. We were looking at some photographs on the phone of her friend from the course. The phone was placed on the table so we had to bring our heads quite close to see the pictures. We briefly looked at the photo and then our eyes met. I have little trouble with eye contact. All the time she looked at me she smiled so sweetly. Nerida asked her friend what her wine tasted like and was given a small amount in a glass. Nerida took a sip and passed me the rest in the same glass. We ended up going to the bar and it was my first real chance to ask her about what she likes to do in her free time. She duly told me and I asked her about some of those things which I think she liked. Later she had to excuse herself but she was tired and told me she would end up accidently sitting on my lap if I was not careful. I jokingly told her 'no comment' and it didn't seem to phase her at all. She sat down afterwards and shifted herself and again she inadvertantly touched the side of my hand with the top of her leg. Unflinchingly again, she left it there. I am not looking for a casual/jump in bed kind of relationship but I liked her in a physical sense as well so my brain didn't tell me to move my hand either. We agreed to do it again the next week and exchange phone numbers. I left them both talking and drinking after about three and a half hours and on leaving she once again smiled at me very sweetly.

Before I ask for and state the help I am looking for I want to point out why I like her, why I think she likes me and what limited things we know we share (good or bad) :-

1. We have both been homeless but are stable enough to cope in our own flats.

2. We have both taken drugs (a small amount of cannabis for me for stress relief and almost all drugs for her). My cannabis use is minimal and she has been clean for a long time. Being homeless for seven years, I have been around many hard drug users and I know when someone is clean and has no intention of going back to drugs. She also works as a volunteer in two different places (which takes commitment) and is taking on more voluntary stuff soon.

3. We have both suffered physical abuse over a lenghty period of time. I am like a walking punchbag because I do not react correctly to aggressive behaviour. They don't mention that when you get diagnosed with AS and go on a course to help you learn about your diagnosis.

4. I like a drink (sometimes to excess) but it is not my master. I'll have a drink on special occasions and nothing more. She was an alcoholic. She likes a drink. Although I don't know for sure, I think being in an abusive relationship was the cause for her previous alcoholism. Like the hard drug taking, she shows no current signs of alcoholism. I had been around a lot of alcoholics when I was homeless too.

5. I am kind, honest and try to be forward thinking and positive. She seems to be kind, honest and is forward thinking and positive.

Things we both know about me.

1. I have been sexually abused several times (when i was 8/9 and in my late teens/early twenties).
2. I have Aspergers Syndrome.

If things go the way they seem to be going, we will be going on our first date together soon. So, I have two questions :-

1. Should I ask her about what she wants in a relationship and tell her about my difficulties with AS ?

There will always be a part of me that wants to be on my own. My life in my own home is closed. She will never come and visit me in my flat. I don't even let my Mother in my flat. I may never understand what love is or admit to loving someone. I don't mind physical contact like hugs and kisses, but is reciprocating it or trying to be compassionate and understanding towards her love ? If she wants children, I cannot honestly give them the stability they need. She is 28 and I am 45 as stated. I would be at least 65 before any children we may have would be leaving their teenage years.

2. If I leave it up to fate and not tell her, what is the likelyhood (assuming we are still together and she has probably fallen in love with me and I care for her in my own way) of it hurting her later and destroying the relationship ?

Hope you can help me. All advice is very much appreciated.

There is no reason why you can't date & explore a relationship together but:
PLEASE! be aware that alcoholism & hard drug use don't have an expiry date. People are never "Ex-Alcoholics or Ex-Drug Addicts" . It's always there. It never goes away. She will always be an addict, no matter if she is "Using' or not. It can come back like the bad penny in times of stress or even happy times when her guard is down.
So, please be careful with yourself in this relationship. It could cost you a lot in anguish.

Yes you can tell her about AS.

I'm a bit concerned about you talking about marriage & children already. Who's idea is that? A bit rushed, don't you think? You haven't even really dated yet. Don't get pushed into things.

My late husband was a father @ 50, & he was a great Dad! He, my daughter & myself did so many fun things together! There is no hurry, especially for men!

Thanks for the advice and your time. I will think about it carefully.

NinsMom, I didn't mention marriage in my post or to her. I already have a son I cannot see for reasons beyond my control. It is of a concern to me because our relationship was purely sexual. She had a child by someone who left her with the baby. I became homeless before she showed any signs of pregnancy or told me. Being made homeless, I regrettably had no contact with her after that. The only reason I knew I had a son was because I was told by a friend who's ex wife had contact with her. Unfortunately she was murdered and her children were taken away from her then partner because of the murder case. All information has been removed from the public domain so I will never find or see my son. He must be 22/23 now. I guess I have made the assumption you pointed out based on my previous experience.

Why not enjoy the first date and talk about that heavy stuff when/if things get more serious?

Okay. Thanks em_tsuj.

On first dates people usually keep the conversation fun, light and casual. Leave out the traumatic histories, diseases/disorders, long term future goals, past relationships, etc. Talk about hobbies, interests, favourite books and movies, music and share jokes.

Thanks structrix. I have done and I still will when I go for something to eat with her and her friend on Tuesday.