Partner as special interest?

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Ok, so after a lot of self-analysis recently, I have been looking back at my past relationships. FWIW, I am currently single, I'm gay and I'm in my mid-thirties.

I've had two significant relationships; one that lasted for 7 years and the other that lasted for two. Both relationships were ended by me as I simply didn't love them any more. Well, that's what I told them, though I sometimes doubt how much love was there on my part to begin with.

What I mean by that is I am starting to wonder if both of these guys started off as a "special interest" as opposed to falling in love as an NT would describe it. I've never felt connected to people and people come in and out of my life with ease. Pick anyone I know and tell me that from tomorrow I would never see or hear from them again and I'll shrug my shoulders and carry on with my life.

Don't get me wrong, I care about people in that I don't want to see them hurt or anything like that. I *want* to have friends, I *want* to have a life partner and maybe even a child or two. It's just that I don't think I'm capable of having the emotional bond that's necessary with anyone.

In both relationships, I met them and enjoyed being in their company and I thought about them all the time, sex etc etc. The whole "honeymoon period" if you like. But after a while, I just disconnect from them. Now, I'm the kind of guy that "puts up with things" and being honest, I could have ended both relationships a lot sooner than I actually did, particularly the first one (I recognised the signs in the second one and came to the decision to end it a lot sooner. Experience, huh?) I just found myself happier when they weren't around (work, out with their friends etc).

Both of them accused me of being cold, indifferent, heartless even. I didn't get what they meant. As far as I was concerned, I was doing everything I could; providing a roof over our heads, working hard, doing the shopping, chores, helping out when they were sick. All the things that I thought are expected of me in a relationship. Except, now I realise, the emotional side of it all. I've always been a practical person.

So, now I'm here asking for advice on where to go from here on in. I'm not involved with anyone else at the moment. I am enjoying being on my own and doing what I want to do, focusing on my career and stuff like that. But I'm concerned about what will happen if I meet someone new and they fall for me and I take an interest (special interest or love or whatever). Is it really fair for me to embark on something with someone new when there is every likelihood that somewhere down the line I'll just lose interest in them and find out yet again there was no connection to this person, the fact being masked by initial infatuation?

In both past relationships, I didn't know about AS/ASD let alone that it was likely a part of me. Perhaps explaining how my brain works to a potential partner early on so they go into things with their eyes open is the way to go? I don't know.

I'd like to hear from people, on either side of the relationship coin (AS or NT) what they think. Any similar experiences?

Yes, it is fair. Just as you should approach new people without too many expectations, and new relationships without bitterness from past relationships, you should also approach both with openness concerning your feelings and how they may evolve. You can't know for sure if the same thing will happen with the next person; the next relationship may be stronger than the last and you could sabotage it by trying to micro-manage the emotional risks, which are always a part of dating anyways.



If the subject comes up naturally, or if the two of you begin to get serious and you sense the pattern of waning interest begin to repeat itself. Otherwise, you could alarm the other person unnecessarily.

I think it'd be reasonable to lay it out exactly as you have here. That doesn't mean the new partner would understand what you meant, or believe that this is how it'd go with him, but the honesty is important. And if you're not feeling love, or don't know what it is, then don't say it's how you feel.

I did run into this with an ex, who shocked himself by finding that he actually cared about me. And while he feared abandonment, he made it plain, after a while, that there was almost no one he really cared about in the sense of "would miss if they disappeared". He was also deeply puzzled about what love might be, and, yep, he was extremely dutiful in doing the things he thought he was supposed to do, things he thought were expected. It was actually a serious drag -- it's no fun to be someone's action item to tick before turning in for the evening. And the thing is, the longer it went on, the more of a drag it was for him, too -- just a lot of work that he figured he had to do even though I was saying no, you don't have to. After about a year or so I realized that he hadn't been kidding or hyperbolic or speaking in some weird personal code, and I saw that if things were going to work, it'd be in a pretty limited fashion. (Not just because of that, but certainly it was a factor.)

If you explain, even if it's a foreign set of ideas for the new partner, at least he'll have some clue as to what's going on, assuming this is how things go. And eventually the words might pair with some understanding of the reality. You might also encourage him to do some reading on AS/ASD. It may turn out to be fine, it may not work, but I think the faster understanding happens, the less emotional wear and tear on both sides.

I feel like I was my husband's 'special interest' for a quite a while. It was incredible and intense and very flattering. We also shared one of his other special interests - politics. But when his old special interest returned (D&D), I was left in the cold. And when I had my son, he told me he loved me less because I had a difficult childbirth. I don't know how much it was the difficult childbirth and how much it was the responsibility of parenting a baby, but I certainly felt a lot less loved. Certainly his retreat into the world of dungeons and dragons was prioritised over everything else in life.

I now feel that he never loved me the way that I loved him. But I don't doubt that he had intense feelings for me that he would describe as love.

Should you have another relationship? I don't know. But I do know that as people grow older they have differing expectations about what they want from a relationship and it's entirely possible that you can find someone that you can be comfortable with and that you can moderate your intensity for in the 'honeymoon' phase.

I agree and complementing... I think it's good you advance warning.

I think that if the relationship does not work out, at least, the situation would be less traumatic. I will not lie and say I got over the end of the relationship ... I still think about it a lot. But at least I know she was not a bad person.

Actually, I think that I misread the OP's intentions. I think it would be ok to talk about how your brain works in general, but saying something specific like "I tend to get tired of people and break up with them as the relationship progresses," at the beginning of the relationship is what I think would scare people off.

Lol. People I fall in love with always become my special interest.

Thank you for your replies so far.

In reply to Starkid's post- you are right. I won't be telling anyone I meet "I really like you now, but give it six months or so and I'll most likely be bored of you".

I want to find someone that I would want to share my life with. It's just that I don't think I can. The optimists would simply say "Oh, you just haven't met the right person yet."

I'm 37 this year. I've met lots and lots of people in my life and no-one has come close. The two guys I have been in a relationship with both attached themselves to me. I have no doubt they loved me and were totally committed to me. They were nice, kind, decent people. I just wish I could have returned that love unequivocally to them.

Either I am not capable of love, or my definition of love is that different from everyone else's that I just don't understand how to love, and moreover, how to perpetuate that feeling for the rest of my life with another person.

Who the heck knows!

next time dont settle for people who have attached themselves to you, but wait for someone who you are 'mad on'. It sounds like you were flattered by their interest in you but did not reciprocate their feelings which obviously would end up in you being dutiful but bored/unfulfilled.

So hold out for someone who excites you more than those guys did.

That's the thing though. At the beginning I was "mad on" them. Totally, absolutely, and without question. At the beginning. And then one day, in a heartbeat, it's gone.

This is my point, and the reason I make the reference of "special interest" in the thread's title.

As best as I can gather, there are two perspectives on "special interests": Ones that endure for all eternity: mine being Doctor Who. It wanes and waxes but it is absolutely persistent in my life and has been way back since Peter Davison's era. I watch each new episode live and uninterrupted without fail, and woe betide anyone or anything that gets in my way.

Then there are the special interests that arrive, consume my life and every waking and sleeping moment in between, and then one day a switch is flicked and I'll never give it another thought. These interests come one after another in single file. Some last weeks, others last years.

Relationships. My relationships, are exactly like these special interests. The process is the same. All encompassing at the beginning and then gone in a moment.

sorry my bad, I missread your use of the word 'attached to you' as meaning they latched on to you where as you meant it as bonded with you

Ive noticed in NT wives posts, a lot of them seem to have had the problem of marrying a man who had them as a special interest then problems arose when he went back to his old interest so it must be very common problem.

also lots of people 'fall out of love' with their partner hence self help books like 'i love you but im not in love with you' and I think it would be hard to tell whether you had just naturally gone off them. maybe that book would help you http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But-No ... 0747585520

when I had special interest in someone it was lucky they did not like me back as it was unhealthy and not a good foundation for a relationship, not that Ive had a healthy relationship ever lol.

Last edited by lotusblossom on 31 May 2014, 1:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

Again, I agree with you, it would not be appropriate to say something like that (although, I heard something very similar, and yet I wanted to try ...)

I think the ideal would be to give some tips on how it's, like "I hate talking on the phone" OR "after a meeting, I need to be alone for X days"

ashkent, it was unclear to me why their relationships are gone.

This is because the interest disappears suddenly without any reason (misunderstandings, burnouts in the relationship) or you end the relationship because you think you can never repay the "love" in the same proportion?