Why women lose the dating game

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sly279
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28 Aug 2014, 3:38 pm

Eureka13 wrote:

Nobody wants to hop on a bus unless they have some idea where it's going. It's pretty much that simple.

Once they get on board, they may decide they like the bus, and not care if the destination changes, or if there are some unscheduled side stops.

The bus has to be going somewhere before most people will take a chance and get on. The destination doesn't necessarily matter - just that it has one - it might be a short, leisurely cruise around the city, or even just around the block. But I'm pretty sure no one would board a bus whose schedule announced it would be sitting in the station until further notice.

but they do care. if the bus is heading towards a poor town they pass, but if its going to new york then they consider getting on.

my bus is moving, just not where they want it to.

I've gotten on random busses before and road them around. it can be fun.

my bus is going towards a 10-11 dollar hour job. but its not enough so I am unloveable. even if id managed to work in automotive it only pays 17ish here not 22.

Eureka13
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28 Aug 2014, 4:28 pm

Sly, for some it really is the journey - the destination is irrelevant. However, the more you convince yourself you're going nowhere, the more convinced others will be of the same.

May I recommend that you set small, attainable goals? Instead of looking at your "dream situation" (which might seem unattainable at this point), first get used to setting those small goals and working towards them. It could be something as small as filling out a job application, or finding a nice bench to sit on near where you live, or learning how to do something you don't already know how to do, such as cooking a particular food that you like.

Start with one a day, or one a week, or one a month, but just start somewhere (by doing so, you then HAVE a journey, even if the destination is unknown). If you miss one, don't give up on the whole process, just go to the next one. Once accomplishing small goals becomes a habit, the bigger goals get easier and easier.

sly279
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28 Aug 2014, 4:40 pm

Eureka13 wrote:

I actually thought I was going somewhere over a year ago. its the women who rejected me over this last year that have shown to myself that I am worthless. at first I was like no they just wrong. but hear it from hundreds of women then see that thousands of women say the same thing on their proflies and it eats away at you. so it wasn't me convincing myself that I am going no where or worthless. it was women on dating sites. and men who suppor the things women say. including some women and men here.

I honestly thought, I was caring nice, funn to be around. yeah I didn't have have a great job, but I'm a good guy who is worth loving and having friends. but nope. I was just being crazy thinking that. I had been talking to a girl over the net who had built up my confidence. she liked me and enjoyed talking with me so I though others will too. she didn't care that I didn't have a high paying job(or maybe she did but didn't say) but sooner or later one must accept reality and for me that was a slow long depressing year to accept it but it happen and here I am.

if every person you met for years told you you were worthless you'd start to believe them.

that's what i've been doing since graduation and failing out of mechanic jobs. I looked for work for a year with no luck so I finally bit my pride and went to voc rehab. where so far i've gone thru a month assessment i didn't want to do.

I now find it hard to accept any postive comments about me from work. I have no ideal what to talk about with women. and when i get past the proflie of a woman i count the time til she stops talking to me. or till she realizes I'm worthless. perhaps I could lie, but sooner or latter they'll find out what my job is.

marshall
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28 Aug 2014, 6:47 pm

aspiemike wrote:

FMX wrote:

sly279 wrote:

HisMom wrote:

who had a plan for his life and a means to achieve that plan.

Why is this so important to women why???

I'm not a woman, but the answer seems simple to me: it's more predictable and therefore safer. If you're going to be a partner in someone's life, you'd want to know where that life is going, right? Because wherever it's going, you're going with it! There is never any certainty, but someone with a good plan is a safer bet than someone without. (HisMom didn't actually say a "good" plan, but I think we can infer that a guy with a life plan involving robbing banks until he's rich is not what she meant.)

Girlfriend here did mention that she would never stick around a man who showed no plan in their life or any intention to act on his plan. This could indicate a lack of confidence in that man.

Lack of confidence or they find the whole 9-5 career rat-race thing boring and empty and don't have it in them to give a flying monkey turd. You can't plan your future anyways. The economy could crash again at any time and everyone could be completely out of work. The sooner the better, actually.

WantToHaveALife
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29 Aug 2014, 10:26 am

sly279 wrote:

HisMom wrote:

beer1982 wrote:

http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/society-and-culture/why-women-lose-the-dating-game-20120421-1xdn0.html

I would like to hear womans persect on this article. Is there any truth to it?

This article makes a lot of assumptions and some sweeping generalizations !

(1) Not all women want alpha males. Truth be told, alpha males can also be as*holes. Not always but at least some of the time. I, personally, would much rather go with a guy who was a beta male - a sweet, pleasant-natured man who was easy to get along with and easy to love (especially the latter) ! No amount of money or alpha status would make it easy or happy to live with someone with a personality disorder or serious character flaws.

(2) Where a man is when a woman first meets him is where he is always going to be or will always be. In other words, a man's position in the social ladder will never go up or go down, it will always be at that exact same rung where he was when he meets his woman. What BS ! !

I am sure that many people have anecdotal evidences to the contrary - about how their sister's nephew-by-marriage's brother-in-law's cousin's daughter got together with a bum on the street when she was 20, but how now, 15 years later, they are living it up in a high rise in Manhattan. Now this may be a bit extreme, but it illustrates the point that partners can and do motivate each other to either move up the ladder, or to fall into the very same pit that they themselves infest. Such as a drug addict ex-con boyfriend that ends up turning a "good girl" into a fellow druggie, or a woman who nagged her husband into a gambling problem, because he could find no other way to satisfy his wife's constant demand for more and more and more money.

(3) A woman - even a highly educated, well paid professional - needs a man to make her life whole / complete / blah blah blah. Misogynistic, much ?

(4) A woman needs a man to produce a baby and complete her family. More misogyny, again. No, she doesn't. There are several billion Homo sapiens wandering the Planet today. The species is not to going to go extinct because some women chose not to reproduce. On that same note, ever wondered why an "elderly bachelor" is an object of utter respect while an "elderly spinster" is an object of scorn / ridicule ? Why is only the woman assumed to "be on the shelf" only because no one asked to marry her ? Maybe no woman wanted to marry the "bachelor", either ! HYPOCRITES, BAH !

And, even if you assume that some women can and do long for babies to "complete" their families, well, then, isn't that why sperm banks exist ?

In a nutshell -- if it was my daughter, I wouldn't want her to pick a man just because he is a 6'2" handsome Economics professor, making a 6 figure income, an obvious "catch" who gets emails signed off in kisses by desperate single female colleagues. I would want her to pick her best friend who was pleasant, easy going, loved her, who had a plan for his life and a means to achieve that plan. Yeah, sure, it would be great if he was already a handsome, rich professional when they met, but I would not to want her to dismiss anyone who has the potential, who has good, solid character, and a great personality, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE (and I will telling her this repeatedly) where he is *today* may be *very different* from where he may well be 10 years, marriage, and a couple of kids, later.

BTW, I didn't know that academicians, even fully tenured academicians, made 6 figures ! I always thought that professors had an average income so this is quite the revelation for me !

Why is this so important to women why???

the only reason why this is annoying for me in regards to women wanting a man that has ambition and life direction, is because at this point in my life i'm not looking to get married or settle down yet

tarantella64
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30 Aug 2014, 10:09 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:

which women here feel it gets harder for them as they get older? I want to hear their input on this

Oh, it definitely gets harder as we get older. (Unless you've got rich family members who die and leave you a boodle.) Ageism is a very real thing. Aging is also a real thing. If you ask me, life gets more dangerous as you go. But I think things tend to be harder for men than for women, because in general women start out so very insecure and doubting themselves and learn along the way how capable and solid they are, while men tend to have these seriously wack appraisals of their abilities and prospects in youth, and then find that they're not coming anywhere near what they thought they were supposed to do. Women also tend to build better social networks. But for sure, life gets harder.

If you're talking about dating...I was actually surprised, and thought I'd be out of the game at 40. Turned out not to be true. But what I do find is that I have considerably more self-respect than I did as a young woman, and much higher standards in how I expect people to treat me, in part because I've been teaching a child how to conduct herself for the last decade. And in part because being a mother, and a mother under tough circumstances, really taught me that yeah, if you care about people in your life, you will do whatever you have to in order to treat them well and with respect. If it's important to you, you will. So if a man treats me in ways I tell my daughter are disrespectful, or leaves his work for me to do when I won't let her leave her chores for me to do, or won't solve problems in a constructive manner and blameshifts, when I've been teaching her not to do that, or is just flat-out nasty because he's unhappy with himself -- why would I put up with that kind of behavior from a man? And all too often the men I've met really are not willing to be grownups in their own lives and treat their partners respectfully. So -- I'm not interested. It shrinks the dating pool considerably. Which is too bad, but much better than being with someone who won't treat you well.

yellowtamarin
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30 Aug 2014, 11:10 pm

Eureka13 wrote:

It depends on whether there's good entertainment on board. I might just hang out in the bus at the station if there's a party going on inside!

tarantella64
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30 Aug 2014, 11:29 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:

Eureka13 wrote:

It depends on whether there's good entertainment on board. I might just hang out in the bus at the station if there's a party going on inside!

this palls as you get older, I found.

AlexanderDantes
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30 Aug 2014, 11:51 pm

11 homeless people who became Rich.

http://www.businessinsider.com/formerly ... 012-6?op=1

At 30, Sylvester Stallone at $30 dollars on his pocket when he made Rocky. You have to believe in yourself, believe that you can achieve great things despite the odds being against you.

tarantella64
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31 Aug 2014, 12:13 am

Yep. Are you likely to go from homeless to rich? No. Is the mentality necessary to getting securely housed? Yes.

Radical insecurity is a massively damaging thing, not just for you but for whoever is in your life. I recently had a conversation with the ex-bf -- first one in about a month -- that, for me, put a cap on the whole thing. He called me up all excited because he got a "real job". Enormous relief, etc. And I'm glad for him, that's great. What's not great was that he treated me like s**t for a year before he got the real job because he felt so horrible about himself that he couldn't stand to be talking to someone who was actually making things happen. And I make a lot happen -- I'm unusually capable, talented, energetic. I mean he did the whole classic thing -- spiky little nastinesses, morose silence during which he insisted I stay in contact and talk, chronic negging and tearing-down of what I do, explosions about how demanding I was being (by accommodating all his nonsense), fits if I called him on how he was treating me, lying, evasions, all kinds of crap.

I'm not interested in talking to someone who's decent to others only when some stranger's given him a job with a title. Totally not interested in talking to someone who's in a constant state of panic over who's better, whether he measures up. I am not a yardstick. And my friendships do not rely on my friends' bosses' continuing willingness to cut them checks. If the ex-bf comes back wanting to talk again, I will have to tell him these things, and tell him also to please come back when he is secure in himself to the point that his looks, employment status, etc. have nothing to do with how he treats other people, and it's not a constant competition. To where he can just be himself, someone I believe is an interesting and worthwhile person to know. But that until then I'm off the rollercoaster, bye.

You need to know and be confident in who you are, and your self-worth, regardless of what kind of job you currently have, what strangers on the internet think of you, what kind of house your brother has, etc. You need to be willing to look ahead more than a month and think about what you're going to do with that valuable thing, your life. And then get up off your arse and try to make it happen. My guess is that the vast majority of people who don't do this have trouble with the very first part: not knowing who they are.

RICKY5
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02 Sep 2014, 12:07 pm

LOL!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtBC0iP52TU[/youtube]

FMX
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02 Sep 2014, 4:15 pm

marshall wrote:

Lack of confidence or they find the whole 9-5 career rat-race thing boring and empty and don't have it in them to give a flying monkey turd.

That's fine with me. Again, I can't speak for what women want, but I meant "plan" in a more general sense than career or money. (Though the example I gave involved money, so that might have helped to mislead people.) If someone's plan is to write music or to become good at gymnastics or, hell, even to become the best at Tetris - I respect that. If their daily life is a struggle because of some serious problem and their plan (for now) is just to fix that problem - I respect that, too. Even if their plan is to keep living life exactly as they're doing that might be OK, if they already have the life they want - this is still different to not having a plan.

Also, I think there's a difference between having a plan and being able to "sell" it to others, ie. talk about it in a way that sounds impressive. That's a separate skill.

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hurtloam
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02 Sep 2014, 4:29 pm

Oh great thanks RICKY5. Gene Simmons freaks me out and so do clowns. Worst image ever to see before bed time. Nightmares for me tonight...

Quote:

Even if their plan is to keep living life exactly as they're doing that might be OK, if they already have the life they want - this is still different to not having a plan.

I totally agree with that.

italstallianion
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02 Sep 2014, 9:46 pm

It's not like men win the dating game either. I've lost enough in my time and I'm nowhere close to breaking even. Hell I'd settle just to win once and cut my losses.

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was when I could finally breathe,
and by mornin', gone was any trace of you,
now I think I am finally clean. #Dat Angst

autismthinker21
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03 Sep 2014, 6:11 pm

dating is not winning or losing it's based on what you like to do or how you do it.

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italstallianion
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03 Sep 2014, 7:03 pm

It may not be about winning and losing but I've definitely lost at it. I don't think I can ponder popping Ambien, reading a Sylvia Plath book and taking a bath with my toaster without having lost as dating.

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The rain came pourin' down, and when I drowned,
was when I could finally breathe,
and by mornin', gone was any trace of you,
now I think I am finally clean. #Dat Angst

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