torn between two conflicting desires

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Nobody seems to understand. That's probably because I might be psychotic. That psychosis is basically what I'm talking about. It's like my world-view has been altered, I don't live guided by common sense. And even though I've never had a girlfriend I can imagine that it would kind of get me down onto Earth, which is where I don't want to be. It's like I've become a Jew, or the lost tribes of Israel, and one of those things that might be the final nail in the coffin of the Jew-status, that would make me a Gentile, prole, agent, is to have a relationship with a woman. I don't know if the military organization ISIS has anything to do with the Egyptian goddess Isis but when I think about it it makes total sense if it does. Islam as a whole seems to me that it might have this characteristic. As I said I think Islam, or at least the most exoteric form of Sunni Islam, is basically a materialist philosophy. And the lifting up of women on a pedestal, and the worship of family and procreation, to me seems to be a religion for the unevolved, the Gentiles, the proles, and probably serves a purpose for them, but I don't feel that I am one of them. I also work at a workplace where almost all my workmates are Muslim, and they more or less ostracize me. It feels like I'm at a crossroads, that is stretched out over time, a gradual process. One way is to adapt to the Muslims at work, adopt their philosophy, get a woman (that would mean marry I guess which complicates the issue further since I don't have a desire to marry and have a family), have children, forgive my parents etc. and then perhaps no longer be ostracized by them. Or I persevere and follow my heart which says I'm different from them, and I should not adapt to them. There's a whole lot of philosophical speculation that goes into this. I have also felt that I am more or less miserable a lot of times and that I might want a girlfriend to ease the misery. However I feel that my misery and hopelessness is probably to a large extent due to my sins, and that giving in to the temptation of a snake/woman and begin to fornicate regularly would not be the solution to that problem, but might, as I said, make it worse in the long run at least.

I have felt that I might be Israel, in more than just a symbolic sense. Yeah that sounds weird, possibly stupid, maybe psychotic etc. A lot of people might not understand what I mean. It is a kind of psychotic thing and it's hard to explain, and it's speculative to a large extent. But I have felt that I might have some connection to that country, or that that country is a reflection of myself in my outer world, or something similar. Like one time when I was doing some good deeds that made me feel closer to God and that caused a rather remarkable mental reaction in me, partly what seemed to be a psychosis, this coincided with the war situation with Israel that happened this summer. I am surrounded by Muslims, and so is that country. As I said, Isis-women. During a period where I hated people and the world more than usually I happened to stumble upon an article, and a discussion about the article, which was about how Israel is a sick society and how it has alienated itself from the entire civilized world. Here is an article that discusses whether the ten lost tribes of Israel will ever be reunited with the Jews:

http://www.chabad.org/library/article_c ... 15a1701071

I don't know what "this day's deeds" means exactly, or what repent means exactly, but it might be related to the ten commandments that are mentioned in the text I linked. One of the commandments is to not commit adultery.

source: dictionary.com

Maybe this does not apply, since neither of us are married. Also, regarding marriage I have read this view online:

source: http://gnosticteachings.org/faqs/sex/16 ... imony.html

I don't know how reliable gnosticteachings.org is, or Samael Aun Weor, the man whose teachings that site is based upon.

Another of the ten commandments is to honor your father and your mother. I don't know exactly what that means, but it appears to contradict the following statement found in Gospel of Thomas:



and a similar thing found in Gospel of Luke in the Bible:



This seems to me to be quite central to what makes me who I am, and what might distinguish me from the Muslims at my workplace.

While gnosticteachings.org says that you have to be married in order to be initiated into "the greater mysteries", and while that site claims to be "Gnostic", the following is found on wikipedia in the article on Gnosticism:



As for the country Israel being a reflection in my outer world of myself, that might not be all that strange when you look into it, if you read about Kabbalah for example. I'm not saying it's true but there are some mind-blowing things in Kabbalah, whether true or not I don't know. The star of David is also said by some to represent "as above so below", which seems related. And regarding the whole concept of mental disorders and illnesses, such as psychotic illnesses, there are sites online that say that Jews have a higher incidence than others of various mental disorders and illnesses. This statement is found in The Jewish Encyclopedia from 1906:

source: http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/artic ... 3-insanity

I have also wondered about what the truth is about my mother, who I hate. It is said that Jew-status is inherited through the mother. Can there be a person in a line of descent that is the first to be a Jew is also something I have been wondering. My mother's lack of love for me, and my hatred of her, in accordance with those quotes from Gospel of Thomas and Gospel of Luke, might have relevance to this. Several things are interesting in this context. I found this on the site about the lost tribes of Israel above:



What exactly does repent entail in this case?

I found this interesting article on wikipedia:

source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mentalization

Interestingly it seems that some of the names mentioned in that article are Jews. I know that at least Baron-Cohen and Lieberman are Jewish names.

This is why I have speculated that people with "mental disorders" such as Asperger's might be "Jews in Egypt", and people with psychotic illnesses might be "Jews in Babylon" or something similar, the shift between the two being the first "psychotic break", or "Moses on mount Sinai". It appears to me that I have experienced Moses on mount Sinai, and received "Torah", i.e. truth, which is what Torah means as far as I know, while most people on this forum have not received that and thus have no clue what I'm talking about, they are still slaves in Egypt.

This is in the Quran, sura 2 verse 102:



This separation between a man and his wife to me sounds a lot like it might be related to the "mentalization" talked about in the wikipedia article. The Quran, if I'm not mistaken (I have read a part of it but don't remember clearly everything I read), talks several times about separation and corruption in the land, related to "the children of Israel". I have been studying the connection between Jews and various forms of politics that serve to cause separation between people, for example cultural Marxism.

My mother has a man. (not my father) I feel very different from my mother in many ways. She doesn't seem to be nearly as mentally disordered as I am, much more neurotypical. Having a partner that you have sex with might be one of those things that you should not do if you are part of the ten lost tribes of Israel and wish to walk the right path and not remain a slave forever. I don't know anything.

I find that quite often lately when I go see a movie, the movie relates to things I have been thinking about in the proximate time period. I don't know to what extent it's synchronistic and to what extent it's just me reading things into the plot and meaning that interconnect with what's going on in my mind at the time, which might be part of what synchronicity is anyway.

When I was discussing ostracization by Muslims recently I went and saw Nightcrawler, that I found related a lot to that thread. Yesterday, tired after work, I went and saw Interstellar. I was not nearly as impressed by that movie as by Nightcrawler for some reason and found myself half-sleeping through the latter half of the movie. In connection to this thread I found it interesting the concept of leaving humanity behind in the quest for something else, and how the connection to people on Earth was discussed, and the lack of such connection. I have been thinking for quite some time about how I feel that I am different from the Muslims at my workplace and how I sometimes feel like I'm worshiping death. I feel that anyone who loves their parents is unevolved, and that anyone who has a desire to have children is different from me in some major way. When I watched Interstellar one emotion I had lingered through the entire movie, and that was the impression of how an utterly constipated sentimentality colored the entire movie, based on the supposed grandness of humanity, where I felt that my instinctual emotional response was "who gives a f**k?". I would probably not have grieved to leave Earth and humanity behind. There was a bit too much tear-dripping for my taste.

I have been thinking a lot about how I feel like I have split up into two different personalities. I have read about hypnosis and that has made me wonder if I have been hypnotized and have no memory of that because the erasure of that memory was part of the hypnosis. I really don't know. I also think it is likely that some form of hypnosis is occurring on a massive level, to masses of humans, but that it is good and a spiritual thing. I seem to have the personality that I read on one site is linked to a resistance to hypnosis, extreme ectotonia. However that seems to be contradicted by what I read in a book about how people chosen to be hypnotized might be those showing signs of antisocial behavior and paranoia, which I have but which paradoxically seems to be closely related to ectotonia, which I read on that site is, in extreme cases at least, related to being resistant to hypnosis.

I have felt that of the two people I might have split into one might be shrinking and the other growing. There was a poem in Interstellar that seems to have relevance to this, and to the whole Muslim vs Jew issue that I have discussed.

The shrinking part of me seems to be going into good night. However, I am not convinced that I should rage against the dying of the light, which seems to be basically Muslim philosophy. As I said, I would probably not grieve to leave humanity behind. But I also feel that Muslim philosophy is fundamentally based on a materialist world-view and one that I do not resonate with. I know nothing.

Anyone that is interested in my thoughts might find this book interesting:

http://www.kabbalah.info/eng/content/view/frame/4262?/eng/content/view/full/4262&main

I have not yet read the whole book. I have read some books by Michael Laitman, who appears to be the author of the book I linked to. I don't know how reliable he is. I am suspicious.

The two parts of me that I seem to have split up into might be the Jew and the Gentile. It's interesting that I have read about how there are mind control techniques of hypnosis and such that have the goal of creating two or multiple personalities. I am reading about this currently in Mass Control: Engineering Human Consciousness by Jim Keith. I don't know if there is any connection and if so, what that is.

The article I talked about mentioning ectotonia and hypnosis is here: http://www.innerexplorations.com/catpsy/t1c4.htm

Red Ice Radio discusses these issues somewhat, usually from a right-wing perspective. One interview I listened to recently that I found interesting was this:

http://www.redicecreations.com/radio/2014/12/RIR-141205.php

Here's an interesting audio clip I listened to recently that has some relevance:



Is this all off-topic? I think not. This is the kind of things I think about when I think about such a seemingly mundane matter as whether or not to go on a date.

How boring you are. Anyway, I'll keep talking to myself.

Based on the view expressed on gnosticteachings.org, that you can only be initiated into the lesser mysteries as a single and that you need a partner to be initiated into the greater mysteries, and the view that was expressed on marriage:

perhaps this woman has appeared in my life because I am ready for the greater mysteries now. Perhaps a decade of being all alone is enough. And that this is the woman that I should have that "marriage" with. I don't know.

It still puzzles me why my workmates were such as*holes recently. That is interesting in relation to one thing I heard on gnosticteachings.org. In one of the audio files they talk about how when you are initiated your life gets worse, you might lose your job etc. I was actually threatened with being fired from my job. So the fact that that happened probably less than an hour after I had said in my head that I will not talk to this woman is quite remarkable. They also said on gnosticteachings.org that when you are initiated and lose your job etc. a lot of people will say the teachings don't work and they will stop, but, said they, those things are signs the teachings work and that you are being initiated. I don't remember which audio file it was.

I said in another thread that evolved people don't procreate. It remains my view that anyone who has a desire to have children is unevolved, and that they must not have suffered a lot. I also think that anyone who loves their parents and siblings is unevolved and must not have suffered a lot. I have noticed several interesting things when I compare myself to my Muslim workmates. One thing is that they have much higher emotional intelligence, and are much more connected to other people, something I have noticed in Muslims in general. I have also noticed that my workmates use much more body language than I do. I use some signs and facial expressions and such, but when I sit beside them and see them talk I am astounded by how much they express with their body language.

I don't know what forum I should write on. I am more or less alone on every forum I've written on. That might be related in some way to the fact that I'm alone everywhere IRL also, including work.

My observations on emotional intelligence, connection to others and "mentalization" make me think about the quote by Aldous Huxley:

OK, I am not entirely sure if I am correct in my assessment of your situation, but they way I see it is kind of like this:
a) you are aware of the fact you are psychotic - which means you live in your own made up universe, most of the time
b) you are also aware of the fact that there is another world, overlapping yours, which consist of people regurgitating ideas
c) you are in conflict about how to exist in both worlds at the same time and think you have to do some sort of act (initiation) in order to choose either one or the other

Pills can maybe help if you want to be like everyone else. But it's not guaranteed.
Also, sometimes helps to remember that the world b is a world of Agreement. People choose to create and uphold the world by confirming it's status quo with each thought and action. this is why real change is so slow to happen in this world.

But basically, it seems like you are lonely because you don't have the skills to connect to other people in a meaningful way. Sometimes therapy can help with this, but only if you are willing to accept the premise that you will have to compromise.

Anyway, not sure if you've come across this before, but perhaps Buddhism teachings could offer you some relief:

http://www.abuddhistlibrary.com/Buddhis ... 20Ties.htm

Ok, so that's the way you see it. How I see it is different. I don't think that being psychotic necessarily means "living in your own made up universe". Well, to a certain extent perhaps. But I think that psychotic people, while they might have less "mentalization" than others, being more of free-floating atoms, and in that sense a separate universe, I think that this is also what makes you see certain things that others don't see. While it might be a subjective reality it appears that you have to be alienated in order to see certain things that others don't. Kind of like you only see that the Earth is round from space. Those that are less alienated tend to think that they see an objective reality, when they probably see a subjective reality too, albeit one that is shared by many.


source: The Sufi Path of Love: The Spiritual Teachings of Rumi by William C. Chittick

http://www.gnostics.com/newdawn-1.html



source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plato#Metaphysics

This is also what makes schizotypals interested in the occult, the supernatural, conspiracy etc.

source: http://www.redicecreations.com/radio/20 ... 140604.php

source: http://armageddonconspiracy.co.uk/The-I ... 027%29.htm

Somebody somewhere said something like that autism is disconnection from people and schizophrenia is one step further on some form of spectrum, disconnection from reality. Well, to a certain degree I agree perhaps, but I think there's more to it, something you have to be in it to see.

Robert Sapolsky has talked about schizotypy and he argues that religions are written by very powerful schizotypals.

As I said I half-slept throw the latter half of Interstellar, and I found the outer layer of the movie, the vehicle of the message, unimpressing. But I find that there are many movies with an apparent content that is unimpressing, but there can still be an underlying message that is worthwhile. In a lot of cases I think the vehicle is deliberately made mediocre or even very subversive, for various reasons. For all I know Interstellar might have very little to do with space travel. I wouldn't be surprised if it is about the things I have talked about in this thread. You have for example them being out in space being very alienated and alone, sitting in an aluminum can with nothing but empty space for billions of miles outside. They find their minds being increasingly twisted as the journey progresses. Yet there is a moment when they find out that there was never any hope of saving the humans back on Earth, and it's they that are going to survive.

I did some more research on the names mentioned in the wikipedia article on mentalization. This article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mentalization

These are all the names (except Descartes):

David Wallin
Heinz Wimmer
Josef Perner
Daniel Dennett
Simon Baron-Cohen
Uta Frith
Peter Fonagy
Arietta Slade
John Grienenberger
Alicia Lieberman
Daniel Schechter
Susan Coates

Six out of twelve people, half, appear that they might be Jewish from my brief research. (in bold type) It might be more.

David Wallin

On this site is found the following:

Simon Baron-Cohen

Cohen is a common Jewish surname.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cohen_%28surname%29

Baron-Cohen is also a Jewish surname:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baron-Cohen


Peter Fonagy

The following statement is found on the site linked to below the statement:



http://www.jcpa.org/phas/phas-30.htm


Arietta Slade

Don't know if she's a Jew, but she appears to have been psychology trainee at the Jewish Board of Family and Children's Services from 1977 to 1979 according to this:

http://storage.rockarch.org/e87a7dfe-6bf9-404c-b950-a57458bc4104-FCD001_105_00093.pdf


Alicia Lieberman

Lieberman, Jewish name

http://www.ancestry.com/name-origin?surname=lieberman


Daniel Schechter

Schechter, Jewish name

http://www.ancestry.com/name-origin?surname=schechter



So, that's at least half of the people in the wikipedia article on mentalization appearing to be Jews. Isn't that interesting? Why is it so?

As I said before, I thought the article, among other things, was interesting in relation to how it is said that Jew-status is inherited from the mother.



Another interesting thing in that article is this:



Two things come to mind, that may or may not have any relevance at all:

1)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brit_milah#Metzitzah

2) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catholic_Church_sexual_abuse_cases

I decided to go on a date with that woman. I did not find her particularly attractive. I guess the event was kind of nice but I don't know if I found it all that exciting or nice. I really don't know if I want to meet her again or not. She seems to want to meet again. I'll have to think about it. And it really does seem like I don't have all that much interest in women anymore.

Why are you constantly having conversations with yourself if I may ask?

I write about things that interest me. Why it's very often the case that those things seem to interest nobody else, or why it's very often the case that nobody seems to care, that is something I'm wondering to. I mentioned earlier in the thread that I feel alone, not necessarily as in lonely, but as in "alone", atomized etc. That might however be something that is self-imposed to some degree, and not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes I wonder if my mind does this by itself and for itself, and for some purpose. Because whenever I happen to find myself in a situation where there is a sense of community or where I feel somewhat of a connection, it's like my mind automatically forces that away. I think it might be a good thing. By the way this very much reminds me of the concept of "dialectic" in Marxism, which I've been looking into lately. Fascinating.

It seems like I got the guidance I was hoping for nature to supply me with. She called me weird and when I sent her a message after the date she rejected me. I see that as a blessing, the fact that I can't even attract semi-decent women. At this point I see right through the behavior of women, read them to an extent they can't read themselves. They are so simple-minded, and they are attracted to simple-minded conformist men. Which is good for men like me who have greater desires, because they'll weed themselves out until hopefully our desire for them have vanished altogether. Oh boy will that be a happy day.

If I do go on a date again I'll definitely not pay for the woman.