Feel like my relationship is on the edge ...

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My head is a pickle at the moment. My relationship feels like its falling to pieces.

Last year life was tough. I had major depression, and struggled to get out of it. But, the new year arrived and I decided to do something about it. A job came my way which would get us out of our money mess. It was a web development project. I'm still working on it.

Life is looking much better in terms of finances. But my partner doesn't seem to appreciate it. She moans that I spend too much time working. Well yes, I do, I have to otherwise we wouldn't have the nice things we have.

I bought her an iPhone this week, along with other things. Today we had a massive argument because we was out and she spent her time on the phone. She moans I spend too much time working, but the free time we do get she spends it staring into a phone. So I question why she cant leave the phone till we get home and we use this time to communicate. She got in a mood, stormed off and left the phone in my pocket telling me to "control when she uses it".

I don't understand. All I asked is why we cant use the time when we're away from the computer to spend time together, rather than staring into a phone.

But her reaction is always as if I'm trying to control her. I'm starting to think she's using that as an excuse now. Anything she doesn't like just tell me I'm controlling her and I'll shut up. At least that's what it feels like.

Then we're left in a heated atmosphere wondering if I'm wrong because she dealt with the situation the wrong way.

Is it wrong to want my partner to not spend the free time we have together on her phone?

Ah....the petty squabbles of Love!

I'm inclined to think that she liked it better when you were in a more dependent position than you are now. Maybe she doesn't like your new "health." Maybe she likes to be the "healthier one."

I would just continue to keep to the "high ground," and not go down to her level. I would compromise, though--and maybe spend a little more time with her in lieu of work (if that's possible).

She will eventually get bored of the iPhone, for her it's still something new she got.

Smartphones are causing these weird social issues everywhere, for example if you go out with friends that you haven't seen for a long time and yet they spend most of their time on smartphones or chit-chatting about something on the smartphone.
It's weird that while I am the geekiest one of the group, yet I never check fb/whatsapp on phone while I am with people; It's kinda rude.

You could use her argument on her & tell her that she's trying to control you when she tells you to work less. Then you tell her that you'll drop complaining about her being on her phone if she drops complaining about you not spending enough time with her.

Maybe the relationship's just not meant to be. Maybe there's so much water under the bridge that she wants out. It may be too late to change anything.

Seems to me like you both have a lot of misunderstandings or are just not communicating effectively. As for the phone, I agree that she might just think it's cool and is a little obsessed with it. Wouldn't get too upset over that, as it will pass. I do believe that she needs to understand that you're busy with projects. Have you expressed to her that it's hard for you to balance things sometimes? I just find it interesting that she complains about you being busy, yet you complain about her being busy on her phone. I think maybe you're both just not looking at things clearly, and just blaming the arguing on one another. The main thing is that you both value different things and are being hypocritical of each other. I think you may need to have a talk about all of this and resolve these things. If not, this relationship isn't going anywhere, and you're going to end up breaking up. Been there, done that.

This is horrible advice, you can't say a relationship is over because of a petty argument over a phone. If you honestly believe for a second a relationship is going to end because of something so simple and easily corrected with communication I wish you good luck, you'll need it.

Anyways, what do you mean when you say she spends too much time on the phone? Honestly in our society it's pretty common, I don't know anyone who isn't checking their phone constantly. If you're trying to have a good conversation or a good time with her, especially dinner, it would make sense for such a thing to be put away. It's better for both of you to talk about these things without getting mad and trying to reason with each other.. if the response every time is to just snap at you and call you out for stupid s**t that probably isn't even true (trying to control) maybe she needs to re-think how she approaches these things. Same could be true for you, try asking without sounding like you're mad or belittling her, too.

It is NOT just about the phone. If the woman was into her bf, if she REALLY wanted to spend quality time with him, she would put the phone away of her own volition.

It's also about the depression and money and job arguments that preceded it -- for a YEAR -- that have been resolved... yet the relationship is still awful.

Lecturing one's girlfriend on phone overuse in the manner of a parent lecturing a naughty child? So. Icky.

I agree with Kaytee. The problems you have had for the past year have not been erased from your girlfriend's mind. She wants to use this new phone more than being with you because she probably still has unresolved anger/frustration due to the last year's problems. This is a disadvantage to NT's-- past experiences are not always easy to forget.

I know that couples counseling is so scary to many AS guys because they don't talk about themselves or feelings very well. However, it may be important for your girlfriend- and if the counselor knows you are AS, they won't expect you to talk about what you're not able to. Your girlfriend needs to find a counselor who can understand the challenges AND benefits of AS and will help her resolve her feelings, or she might need to go with you to a couples counselor who can teach her ways of communicating better. It has taken a couple of professionals to teach me how to communicate with my aspie husband. However, once I learned, everything started being just wonderful! I accept and appreciate my husband's aspie personality.

Good luck to both of you.

-Sarah

I'm inclined to believe one of two things if she had a problem last year with you not making enough money, and then not being happy with the amount of time being spent away from eachother. The following two things may be going on.

1. She doesn't know what she wants and is talking with someone else as well and is confusing herself over whether to stay with you or not. She could be talking to anyone ie. family, best friend, coworker, another guy, counselor, etc...

2. She is communicating with you that she truly feels lonely in this relationship and she needs you to listen. Despite her best efforts to make this clear to you, you still aren't listening or getting her message. She then gets mad at you for not getting the message.

Point being: you two need to communicate more effectively if you want to save this relationship. If she is already communicating with someone else who is listening to her, the harder it will be to have her voice when it is time to resolve issues between the both of you.