Advice for NT's dating AS people

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Just thought I'd post some pointers for NT's, coming from an AS perspective:

- Do not expect the person to catch hints or respond to flirting. AT ALL. Many of us can't read that kind of body language, and even if we can, we hesitate to respond to it as we know full well that you may not INTEND to flirt. Many AS women inadvertently "flirt" when they don't intend to and can sometimes be accused of "leading people on" because of it - and we don't want to make anyone uncomfortable because they don't realize they're coming off as flirty!

- Especially with AS women, do NOT assume that because they're giving flirty/interested signals that they want to go farther. It can be very hurtful when an AS person is accused of "leading someone on" or even made very uncomfortable by aggressive advances because they're assumed to know what their bodies are signaling. You really need to get it out in the open for anything remotely sexual to occur. Which leads to the next tip...

- There is NO SUCH THING AS TOO FORWARD. Asking directly to kiss or touch may seem weird to you, but we LOVE that kind of direct communication. In fact, we love a clear, direct "no" answer! We love people willing to take the risk of direct rejection. I repeat, there is NO. SUCH. THING. AS. TOO. FORWARD.

- Do not declare yourself rejected unless he/she directly rejects you verbally. Remember, we are extremely hesitant to flirt if we're able to do so at all. Most likely, you'll just end up severely hurting his/her feelings if you assume you're unwanted and just walk away...

Feel free to add any other pointers...

- ASA/HFA can not be cured or "fixed", so don't even think about trying to make us more like your NT friends. They're all jerks anyway, and we don't want to be like them.

- We're more resistant to change than any NT you've ever dated, so forget completely about trying to change how we look, how we act, how we talk, and how we think.

- We're not at all likely to enjoy parties, clubs, or any other loud, crowded environment.

- We're most likely to respond to the literal meaning of what you say - not to the meaning that you want us to understand - and to believe that you really mean it; so choose you words very carefully when you're angry with us, because "I never want to see you again" means that you will never see us again. Ever.

- Another literal meaning: If we ask what you want to do, and your answer is "What ever you want", don't suddenly get upset if we want to stay inside and play video games, watch TV, or something else that you think is completely boring and stupid.

- Telling us to calm down during a stressful situation is as helpful as telling someone to cheer up when they are clinically depressed; in other words, not one damned bit! If it looks like we're getting stressed over a situation we're in, then remove us from the situation. It doesn't matter if it is very important to you that we both stay, because we're about to have a meltdown and things are going to get very ugly! Better yet, learn what situations stress us out, and don't put us into one!

- Instead of criticizing us for what we wear, suggest a choice of clothing ahead of time.

- Yet another literal meaning: If you issue an ultimatum that is a choice between us doing something that is very, very unpleasant and breaking up with you, be prepared to deal with the break-up. We would rather be without you than to ever have to endure a stressful situation that brings on a meltdown. Besides, since you offered the break-up as an alternative, it's really your fault if we choose it!

- If you ever try to tell us that you didn't mean what you said, then we will forever think of you as deceptive. Just say what you mean, and mean what you say! Never trick us or manipulate us into doing what you want, either.

- Sometimes, we're just not thinking about you! Yes! It's true! Learn to deal with it, and don't try to draw our attention to you just to remind us that you are there. We know that you are there, and we'll get back to you soon enough.


That should do for now ...

- Never make the assumption that because you read something about Aspergers on the internet that it means it's true with me.

-With people that are easily influenced and naive, treating them like they are a horrible person is just mean and cruel.

-Yes, empathy and emotion are possible with aspies.

People on the Autistic spectrum have great difficulty expressing empathy and emotion. Often, it is there, but not displayed.
Flirting cues are often missed. Personally, I have been approached by people of both genders (at different times) and spent extended periods of time in their company. I didn't know they were flirting with me until somebody pointed it out to me later. If you are interested, be direct. The interest may not be mutual, but the directness will save a lot of time.

Take Fnord's advice with a grain of salt. It may come across as angry/rude, but that doesn't invalidate it. It may not be nice, but I can't say it isn't honest.

This.

There's some good advice in this thread, but there are a lot of things that have been posted as being general truths for all aspies (as they read "We") when in fact many of them do not apply to me at all. It's going to vary from AS person to AS person, just like in the rest of the population - everyone is different.