Rule can change?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all!

Just wanted to ask something with which you could be of help when giving me advice..

So, my ex boyfriend and I broke up 3 months ago. There were a lot of things happened most of all really were hurtful to me. Right after we broke up, my ex boyfriend set a rule in which he does not date anyone for the next 6 months. So, with all the other hurtful reasons he said about why we should not get back, he also insisted that he can't get back because he has to be single in the foreseeable future. As I am aware that people with aspergers go by the rules they set and it is hard to change. Should I just accept the fact that he won't want me back because he can't date anyone (binded by his rule)? Or can these kind of rules be amended (if it were in your case)? , if feelings are still strong?

I am still deeply in love with him and I don't know why I am still trying but I am still looking for a possibility... If anything, I really appreciate it if you could possibly share your thoughts.

It's over. Let him go. Get on with your life.

i don't make rules of any kind.

It depends.. on both whether he still has feelings for you, and how strictly he sticks to the rules he sets for himself. If he sees it as black and white logical that he's not going to date anyone, including you, for 6 months before reassessing his situation and making any decisions... well then, there's a 6 month countdown clock that's on & you can't change it or speed it up. All you can do is accept that reality & talk to him in 6 months. Trying to persuade him to break his own rule may just strengthen his resolve to abide by it. It really all depends on how rigid he is with his own self imposed rules.

You really ought to try it. It can be a powerful tool for self discipline for all kinds of things - especially if you're an Aspie that has a penchant for following rules. You might just luck out and find that you can indeed follow rules you set for yourself and then utilize that trait to your advantage. I know I do this for myself to a degree.

rules i set aren't really rules so i don't follow them. or i'd being doing sit ups every other day. only managed the diet cause of the app on my phone limiting what i can eat. apparently such rules can also limit one from experiencing stuff.

With exercise rules can be great.. but what's even more effective is to double it up with the Autistic trait of following routines. If you make whatever your chosen form of exercise a routine that you just automatically fall in line and complete like a soldier doing a drill, then it becomes infinitely easier to abide by your own rules. I know I use both for myself. It also seems to help me to have other, bigger, goals in life that require me to be in good physical shape as it motivates me to carry on abiding by my own rules in a routine manner.

Nothing wrong with using technology to assist in abiding by your own rules. If a phone app w/ schedules and reminders/tracking etc helps you stick to a healthier diet, great! Use it for all it can do for you.

What do you mean rules can limit one from experiencing stuff?

i don't have many routines.

i tried setting reminders to do situps and pushups tue/thru,sun, but it didn't work. if its not done every day its hard for me to keep doing it. reminder always goes off at horrible times too.


like this guy not dating for 6 months. hes miss out on possible getting a amazing gf or new gf.
I didn't use to try new foods, it was my rule. I missed out on lots of good food. self made rules can make on miss out on lots of things.

So set yourself a daily reminder? Why would the reminders go off at horrible times? Wouldn't you set the times they go off?

Re: A 6 month hiatus from dating.. maybe, maybe not. Sometimes people know themselves well enough to know that they need at least x amount of time of solitude or celibacy or singleness or whatever they define to get over a relationship breakup. I have friends IRL who've done things like this and its worked out great for them. While they may miss out on a dating/relationship opportunity, maybe, they certainly don't waste their single time. They take advantage of the opportunity they have to do what they need to to get over their ex as well as focus on themselves, their health, their fitness, their interests and hobbies, studies they've wanted to undertake etc - all very self-centric things they opt to do for the good of themselves while getting over their relationship breakups in very healthy ways. So, sometimes setting a time frame rule for remaining single can be a very very good thing.

was told not to exercise daily as it wears you out. which is what happen last time that and I lost the moral.

Over exercising can wear people out. I exercise almost every single day, sometimes a lot more than other days. But if you're set on exercising every second day but know you need a daily reminder/routine, then do something else at the same time every second day. ie exercise of some form every second day, and when your alarm reminder goes off on the alternate days, use your time to do something else - ie meditation or reading a book or w/e else. Having a daily routine that alternates every second day might just get you to follow through with your exercise goals.

my days are crazy i never know whats going to happen or what I'll be doing. when i'll wake up, when I'll eat its all random. the reminder always tends to go off when I'm busy, or eating or in the shower. snoose it then forget.

wish gym would open. pissing me off they taking so long and not answering any of my questions.

Why are your days crazy?

I understand that things change and you have to adapt to them, as I and everyone else does on a daily basis. But in general you should kiiiinda know what your day is going to be like.. ie work, or some other plans, or even a plan of doing nothing but sitting around in the sunshine - but still - one should have an idea of what their day is going to be like.

When you'll wake up? You can control this with an alarm clock. It's ideal to have the same wake time every single day for so many reasons. I don't because sometimes I work mornings, other times evenings etc. But I still almost always set an alarm, even if the time is different I know when I'm going to wake up. (except for days I don't set one where I plan on sleeping in as needed.) When you'll eat? Again, you can control this.. decide to go make yourself a meal. I don't eat at the same times every day, but I don't need anyone else to dictate when I eat - I just eat when I need to or can etc. Same goes for taking a shower and other things. Basic daily life things shouldn't come at surprise intervals. Having a bit of a plan/routine can be a great way to help you manage your time and your life. Try it.

Gyms.. meh, not a fan. I like exercise and being active, so I just workout at home and go outside and run/hike etc. No real need to wait for a gym to open to get moving. (unless maybe you're in a climate where you can't go outside and exercise, I guess.)

Meh…I'm calling shens on the whole 6 month "rule."

I think the 6-month "rule" on no dating after a breakup is more of a guideline than a solid, unbreakable rule. It is wise to take some time for yourself after getting out of a relationship. But no dating? Please…

I got out of a seriously BAD relationship at one point in my life and went almost immediately into another. Long story short, it didn't last as long as I'd have liked and it upset me. I felt like I was in total limbo, wanting to be in a relationship but pretty much giving up on finding anyone nice. I ended up, having just been in a bad relationship, hanging out with women who were in bad relationships themselves and really looking for an opportunity to get out. One of those relationships, after a long, LONG period of dating, worked out, and we'd been on-again, off-again with other people involved along the way.

The lengthy relationship I was in that started this whole spiral was one of those I was really forced to break off because of how bad things were getting and I was staring down the barrel of marriage. I got to a point where I had to say, "I'm not doing this" and broke things off before they got to that point. We tried the "just friends" routine. Didn't work. We ended up sleeping together a few times, which was fine by me (obviously) as long as it was strictly NSA FWB with the understanding this was NOT going to be a permanent arrangement. Well, then she starts telling all my friends how excited she was that we were getting back together. I had to drop the hammer on her after that. Later on she started interfering in my love life in other ways and once even followed me when all I was doing was trying to get away from everyone else. It got beyond creepy. I had to pretty much tell her to stop calling, do NOT follow me, don't approach me in the street, etc., or I might have to call the police.

I'm not saying this to compare my relationship to anyone else's, or to compare my ex with anyone on here. My point is you can't have NSA where there have been strings before. The strings have to be completely severed. Those kinds of relationships don't work out because one of you is used to the commitment and you come to expect it. Any time you have sex or even so much as get the arm-around-the-shoulder hug, it magically "means" something. It's delusional, but it happens, because no matter what, all you see is your "happily ever after" that has gone so horribly wrong that you're trying to get back.

Your issue is that whole 6 month rule. It's bunk, and I think you know it. He's just pulling the 6-month thing on you because he's hoping after 6 months you'll be long gone.

Now, if you want to fight it, just try what my ex did. She figured out every possible way she could to get an excuse to "just hang out" with me. Well, there was a reason I was attracted to her in the first place. So there were hugs, she'd get that look in her eyes, I'd end up kissing her, then clothes would come off… It didn't take much. She made two major mistakes and probably would have gotten me back if she'd avoided them. First, after being "just friends" for a couple of months, she reverted back to her old abusive habits--yelling at me for no reason, trashing me in front of her friends and my friends, and any number of things that made our FWB situation no different than it was before. She did her best to look cute and submissive, and once things were going her way, it was back to the old ball and chain. There was no real effort to change, I didn't ask her to change, and no apparent desire to change to get me back. I didn't really expect it, anyway, and felt it would have been unfair, anyway. If she wanted me back, she'd have to want things to be different. By not being "official" anymore, for the first time I shifted the balance of power back in my favor. Sure, you can yell at me all you want, but I can still walk away, go out with other women, and ignore you for no other reason than I just feel like it. I couldn't do that before.

Second, the big mistake she made was running her mouth. No, I'm NOT interested in a relationship with you. No, you're NOT going to make me look like a bigger idiot than I already do in front of my friends. Now I don't just think you're a b!tch…I think you're psychotic.

She could have had me if she'd just toned it down and been patient. And while I don't think you're her, same applies. Switch off the emotions. I understand we're all emotional people, I understand we can't escape that. What I mean is don't let your emotions drive your judgment. The best way to get back together is to stay friends with the guy, let him have his independence, even if it means seeing other girls. The more you're a constant in his life, the more easily he'll come back to you. Meanwhile, work on the issues that led to the split.

Finally, there's not GUARANTEE that this will even work. You may reach a point where you have to admit it just wasn't meant to be. I'm just saying if it's going to work out, this is your best chance. The problem is going to be if your best chance is only 0.1%.

There are some other age-old tactics that have been known to work. One time, my ex was telling me about how she had sex with some guy. I think she was trying to make me jealous, but oddly enough it just made me hot. Somehow the thought of an ex being with someone else can make us rethink things. Again…not a guarantee. But at the same time, if you start dating other men, you might find someone else you're compatible with and you'll forget all about him. The risk you take is falling for someone else…but…how is that a BAD thing? I was THRILLED when my ex finally got into a stable relationship with another guy. It meant she'd leave me the freak alone.

I could be wrong, but I think he's just trying to get rid of you. Don't waste your life on this guy. Go be happy!

never know when/if I'm going work when i have a week schedule during rush its random, 7 am one day 1pm the next then 8am then 2 or maybe 11. besides work i never know if going go out with family to do something then we go out to do one thing and gone all day long. i eat when I'm hungry but then have to wait at least 3 hours to eat again. i was going shower daily but meh no point so sometimes go weeks without it. other days I do nothing by lay depressed(never know when that's going ahppen)

it rains a lot here, cold rain, hot rain, sunny rain, rain is the theme of oregon. I also hate exercising its not fun at all. i want to go to this gym when no one else is there to see me, walk on the treadmill for hour or so til i get in shape enough to jog or run, lift some weights if i can figure out safe way to do so. then go home. idea is to go every day and lift weights only some days. though to be honest probably won't happen given some days i won't have the moral to get up an go.

Let it go. You've brokem up, so his "rules" of dating no longer apply to you.

He's not worth your attention. You deserve better. You have your whole future ahead of you, so stop wasting it by moping on over a loser.