Fear and Loathing Toward my Future, Nonexistent Wife

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This is what is known as catastrophizing, it is a pre-requisite of anxiety and obsessive disorders. This has the hallmarks of pure obsessive, and social anxiety.

Seriously?
What ... you've now been put in your place like a woman, so will go perform a servile function? I guess that's just how you see the world.


What is what is known as catatstrophizing?

The opening post is textbook catastrophizing/negative thought patterns. Get a CBT book and you will see examples like that.

It's basically worrying about the worst-case scenarios, like me worrying about my wife abusing me. But I, as a beta male, have much higher odds of that happening to me than an alpha male ever would. So it my case, it's not so much catastrophizing, but rather preparing for the worst, like a city on a body of water building levees for flood protection, as compared to a city in a desert. For real-life examples (US-specific), think of New Orleans compared to, say, Phoenix, AZ, and their risk of flooding.

So I were an attractive NT guy, who first kissed a girl at age 12, had a girlfriend in high school, lost his virginity at 17, played the field in college, and developed great charisma skills by age 25, then I'd be catastrophizing. But for someone like me, who didn't go on a date until age 18 (with someone not traditionally attractive), first kissed a girl age 20 by a pure stroke of luck, and lost his virginity to an escort at age 22, it's not catastrophizing; it's being cautious to prevent being completely ruined.

They also variously known as "extreme thought patterns", "catastrophic thinking", etc.

The idea is they allow very little room for other possibilities. It is not a realistic assessment or risk, nor are the behaviors (the second list), a realistic mitigation of an unknown, an hypothetical threat.

It is not cautious, as your mitigation doesn't apply to a relationship that doesn't exist.

A realistic person will park their car where they know it would be safe, but also they are insured against theft and vandalism, becuase they know they can't prevent everything and are sanguine about it. You are confusing the emotional effect, to some hypothetical event. The are a literately billion thing you could worry about, your brain cannot cope with that information.

The real mitigation against that emotional effect is being emotionally resilient. It you hold people is such contempt and suspicion, it is going to be quite an unpleasant experience to be around. They are not going to be relaxed, becuase you are so negative. It is a downward spiral.

Also you could interpret you thought as pre-emption. You don't want to be hurt so you, play out these hypothetical in you mind to convince yourself of failure. The hardest thing is not knowing if you will fail or succeed, so this way at leas you will know. The problem is it doesn't really help your situation.

It depends on what you mean by "being hurt". If my wife simply leaves me, by saying "sorry, I fell in love with someone else; goodbye!", then I won't be hurt at all, provided that she doesn't abuse me during the marriage and doesn't take anything that's not rightfully hers. Heck, I might even have the kindness to pay the first month's rent on her new apartment. I will insist on the ring being returned, though. It's only fair.

It's the ongoing abuse day in and day out that scares me. Which is quite possible. Alpha males have ways of nipping abuse in the bud when it starts, which they know instinctively how to do. I don't.

You can emulate the behavior of higher ranks, but being alpha/beta/omega is something you're born with, and can't change. Sorry, but it's true. So I'm choosing to stay away from marriage and LTR's.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 02 Mar 2015, 6:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.

There is no biological evidence of alpha/beta males in homo-sapiens as in a clear example like in a pack of wolves. Where one male controls access to the females, where is a clearly defined pack.

There are far to many of us, the groups are numerous and overlapping, roles are diverse. The power-play definitely exist, but is much more complex and dynamic.

I find it rather illogical that becuase you are beta male you are more likely be at risk to these thing happening to you. Either you are not at risk becuase you are not having access to a mate, or you have access to females who are also beta or lower status, and therefore have the same disadvantages as you.

The point is it is not really viable have a wolf like alpha/beta, even if there maybe strata, and status still.

You idea of a "Basic Instinct" or "Bunny Boiler" type scenario doesn't really correlate to you your assumed low status. Why would it? Surely those with the most to lose would be more at risk?

Maybe you are only attracted to people that you consider to put you more at risk.

Last edited by 0_equals_true on 02 Mar 2015, 6:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm sorry if I find that very hard to believe, just going on your thoughts. I'd bet would would be hurt unless you you had fallen out of love yourself. It is just not plausible, that you would invest that much, not to be bothered, if they fell for someone else.

You are way, way over thinking. There is a saying in self defense "scenarios don't exist" You can do drills but you don't don't know how an situation may turn out. You prepare for the unexpected, rather than drawing on hypothetical perceptions, which actually can be quite unhelpful.



Read my other post your whole assessment to rank in humans is totally confused. I think what you are really worrying about is you ability to say 'no'. Your ability deal with unreasonable behaviour. Yes you may not recognize the sign of passive aggressive action, but few people would suspect someone who is being nice to them, then keying their car behind their back.

I think you are worrying about rejection and your ability to detach yourself in such a situation, and a conflict of interests. Being torn between basic needs and common sense.

Also the loathing part...

Fear turning into resentment is the most pointless waste of your time and energy.

Resentment is the most ugly thing, if you worry about passive aggressive behaviour, well resentment is the making of passive and active aggressive behaviour.

Even if what you you said is a 100% true, it still stands that resentment and bitterness is a waste of time.

Umm, no. I trained myself out of falling in love a long time ago. I had two failed dating experiences, both at age 18: one where a girl canceled a date with me when I told her I didn't have a car, and another where I found out a girl only liked me as a friend despite having gone on two dates with me. I've never had any infatuation feelings since then, let alone fall in love; it's already been 12 years now.

The above doesn't even include numerous online romances, where I wasted anywhere from a week to many months of time, on promises of romance that led nowhere. Kind of serves me right, I suppose. I was drawn in by the possibility of those girls getting to know the "real me", rather than my looks or my car. When in reality, the same lack of attraction caused everything to crash and burn each time.

A rule I developed for myself, based on books I read, is to always be ready to walk away. Doesn't matter how long it's been in the relationship. If I find out that a woman is not attracted to me (not the same as doesn't love me), and responds in kind by abusing me, walk away! (A woman who's attracted to a man will never yell at him for any reason, because attraction comes with respect.)

Oh good god. You had got stood up and then dumped by a girl you'd been on all of two dates with (had you even discussed dating exclusively? Had she agreed to it?) TWELVE YEARS AGO -- and now you are mad about being single.

You. Stopped. Trying. The consequence of which is that you're (duh) still single. And mad about having brought singleness upon YOURSELF.

Assuming you decided to TRY, not being alone for the rest of your life is within the realm of possibility.

I can't believe I just read 6 pages to finally say this:

From your OP, this is the most likely thing that would happen in a relationship that you could fear. But I wouldn't call it just an argument, you would have to done something to deserve it

As for being prepared to walking away at any moment and for any reason, I can definitely related to that thought. The world is unpredictable anyway.

OK, let's clear up two things.

(1) I'm not mad about being single. My fear and loathing is toward marriage and long-term relationships. By remaining single, I know I'll never be kicked out the bed that I PAID FOR, and have to sleep on the couch. In fact, I came up with a retaliation plan for when my wife forces me to sleep on the couch after an argument.

(2) I didn't "stop trying". I've dated plenty (although nowhere near as much as alpha males do), and even been sexually intimate in a few cases. But one thing for sure: I never fell in love with anyone I've been with, and never will. I trained myself out of that, much like owners train their dogs out of jumping on people.

You realize your own sentence is quite misogynistic, no?

I just got hungry and had to make dinner for myself. if you hadn't notice, I live in a totally different time zone.

You've come up with a retaliation plan against a non-existent person, for something that hasn't happened? That's a lot of mental energy to spend on fantasy.


Well that makes sense. I was struggling to put your comment in some context.