How does one behave on a 'second date'?

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Asking her if she would be interested in dating?

When do you think i should do this and how?

The way I wanted to say it was "I've had a great time going out with you these past few weeks and it's been great getting to know you better. I really feel we have a lot in common and we have great conversations. You make me feel like the kind of person I can talk to for hours and hours, and sometimes we even do! I was wondering if you'd like to start dating. I'd like to see you a bit more often , take things slow and get to know you on a more personal level. I'm not asking you to be in a relationship or anything, I am just asking for the chance to start seeing you more and seeing how things will do. For me to be able to say "I'm going out with this nice girl." and for you to be able to say to your friends "I'm seeing this decent boy right now".

Should I just say it like this?

Or should I say it much more casually and less pressured like you say?

I'm telling ya…even if you just can't stand to let things progress naturally, starting next week give it 3 more weeks. Seriously, PLEASE have that much patience. If she's really into you, she'll want to hang out that long. If things are still cooking at that point, you'll be in a LTR. If she rejects the LTR and she gets away, even as a friend, at least you had the last 2 months. Honestly, that's not too terribly bad. I've done worse.

That dirty mind thing? Yeah…she's flirting with you. Could be just out of habit, could be she means it.

One of my fondest memories was asking a girl what she would think if I kissed her. She told me she didn't think. So I asked her if she though it would be ok. She repeated that she didn't think. I warned her she was going to get in serious trouble. She said whatever happens, happens.

She got in trouble.

That's where you're headed. I know you feel like it's killing you. Stay the course, be patient. Don't over think things. Get rid of all these "theories." Beginning Monday, give it 3 weeks. You can do this.

Screw it. I actually agree at this point. Things go the best when I just be myself and let things happen naturally than to plan and scheme.

It's just...at the same time while letting things happen naturally is still well and good I always prefer to spend 25% planning just as a back-up/last resort.

But I'm done.

I've reached a point where i really can just let things happen naturally.

When you first get to know someone, you kind of HAVE to plan and think up ideas. I've seen your other posts and even you have said this.

Once you reach a certain point though, that can all go out the door.

Time to stop 'forcing' things or rushing things.

If a relationship happens, it happens. If a friendship happens, it happens.

Nothing more needs to be done now, accept doing my BEST to make sure things progress naturally.

By this I mean actually allowing things to happen naturally myself as well.

Also, is it really so bad to give some slight hints to my feelings? I'd think this is kind of the point of letting things happen naturally - being myself and being able to express myself a bit more.

For example, I messaged her this today. She wasn't at school and it was a non-uniform day (in Australia most school's have uniforms, when there is a no uniform it is a 'free dress' day).

This is a half-flirty half-joke I said as part of my message:

"Yours truly dressed up like I said I would - like a rich kid. Hehe. I looked SO handsome, I know YOU would have liked it! Or not. "

The thing is, the school holiday's begin in a few weeks and I will be busy with friends/family.

She doesn't really like talking online, though I may be able to convinve her to talk to me online more.

But...just what could I do when something like this happens?

Do you like this girl or not? Just how busy are you going to be with your friends that you can't see her over the break? You can't invite her to hang out with you and your friends/family? Are they too good for her? If you want to date someone, you have to get involved. If you like someone enough, you don't mind sacrificing one area of life for another. It doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice because you like that better.

I'm married and I have kids. You think I have a social life? Heck no. Don't want one. My family is too awesome for me to hang out with anyone else!

At 16, your social life is secondary to educational and career goals. In the long term, it's not good to isolate yourself. I'm a stay-at-home dad, but I still remember what it was like to have a full-time job. Because of my involvement with my church, I've pretty much moved in there, so I interact with secretaries/receptionists, other staff members, and church members who come in and out doing volunteer work, all the while keeping my 2yo with me. I write music and have internet access for necessary social networking activities. I wouldn't suggest anyone be completely isolated. It's also easy to develop co-dependent relationships with MOOS if you cut everyone else out of your life, and that just leads to toxic relationships. The point being if you want this relationship, you need to think about things like that. You're going to have to sacrifice some family/friends time to dedicate to this relationship. If you are unable to make some (FEW) willing sacrifices to be with someone, you don't belong together.

Remember, it's HER interests that matter here, not yours. You can fulfill a role in one person's life as a love interest, be a friend to your friends, be a good son/brother/uncle/nephew/grandson/cousin to your family, and you can spread all those things around evenly among those you serve various roles under. But you can't do that without first evaluating just how important those roles and goals within those roles are. I want to be a good father, for instance. Part of that means preparing my kids for the "real world," so I double-down every day on musical instruction (because it's what I know). If they want, they can be career musicians by the time they leave this house. I want to be a good husband, so I set aside gig money every now and then for flowers and wine, I lavish my wife with praise, I listen to her problems, I help out around the house. I want to be a good friend, so I listen to what other people have to say and try to contribute in positive ways. In order to do those things, I need money. If I can't earn money, I can't contribute to my family, my wife, my friends. So I look around and see where needs are and I try to meet those needs, like playing piano at church, advertising on my Youtube channel, playing solo gigs and filling in with bands, teaching lessons, and so on. I also watch people's Youtube videos, like, +1 them on G+, and leave comments. In turn, people give me money as thanks for me sacrificing my time to play for fundraisers, private parties, weddings, and bar gigs. Social media folks listen to my music, like and +1 me, and leave comments. The more people watch my vids, the more they get exposed to ads, and the more adsense pays (it's not much at the moment…haven't even earned my first dollar yet, but it doesn't hurt that I'm set up for it). Note that I'm not placing my own personal needs first. My family takes care of me. My friends take care of me. My church takes care of me. I've got an entire planet out there to support me and the things I love doing. So I don't worry about ME. I worry about everyone else.

I can't drive this last point home hard enough. YOU don't matter one bit in the grand scheme of things. Get your priorities straight and you will win. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

OK…I'm done here. See you in 3 weeks!

Agreed, it's not my descision to make though and i only found out very recently.

Im not happy about it either. I actually am leaving town to go stay with family somewhere else for a few weeks.

I can't even see my best friend who i have been in contact online with for years and havent seen in nearly 6 months.

When it comes to HER, things will probably just grow cold and any potential interest will quickly be lost due to this stupid turn of events. F*ck.

Sure, I'll get back in touch with her once school starts again but it's not like we could continue from EXACTLY where we left off in the exact same way.

Screw it. I have to make an initiative.

I have to be confident and brave.

I will still message her online even if I am gone.

Chatting on the computer might not be as natural or progressive as real life contact, but it is better than none.

Once I get back from my oh-so-fun little holiday, I'm literally going to go in there and sweep her off her feet.

I'll still let things happen naturally, but I'll go into overdrive.

If we've already seen each other a few times and talked online a lot only a couple more weeks after my holiday I should be able to make a move.

[facepalm]

See…this is EXACTLY why 16-year-olds shouldn't attempt these things. You don't have enough control over your own life.

OK…let's start over. When do you leave for vacation? When exactly would be the absolute FINAL day you could see her before you go away that you're aware of?

The reason I'm asking is if you have a few weeks, you can still wait the necessary time and everything will work out just fine.

You are correct that things will go cold over the break. But…here's the thing…they'll go cold whether you're in a relationship or not. How would you feel if you'd been going with this girl for, say, 6-9 months, go on holiday, and she's dating someone else when you get back? Dude, use your brain. Nothing is stopping that either way. For all you know, she'd cheated on you while you were away, and for all she knows you were cheating on her the whole time. There's no way to win here.

Seriously, if that really is the case, don't change anything. Wait three more weeks anyway. Then go for a kiss. See how that works. If you only get a month together, a month is still a month. If things go cold over the break, so what? It would have gone cold either way. So if you can't move the needle on this thing before the holiday, then back off and wait for school to start back. Maybe she'll get "stolen" over the break, maybe not. Maybe YOU'LL get stolen over the break. Who knows? You have no control over it, what other people do, so don't get bent out of shape over it.

If you don't get a LTR out of this by break, here's what you do: Just start back at square one when you get back, give it a month, keep doing what you're doing now, and move this thing into relationship THEN. If it doesn't work out then, stop wasting your time and move on.

Ask her if you can call her over break just to chat. That's easy enough.

So, are you saying I should use what little time I have left to make a risky move and just move it into a relationship? Or just use what little time I have left to set things in motion before coming back and picking up where things left off?

I have about just 6 days.

If I see her Sunday like I asked, then maybe I can see her Wednesday again (the day before I leave) and just ask to be honest.

And yeah, if things don't work out I'll start back at square one. What about online communication though? Would that be a bad thing? I might even get to know her on a deeper/personal level through this way.There's always phone as well.

Ask her if she'd be interested in dating in future, the next time that you see her. Otherwise, you have her phone number, so you could also ask her whether you can call her during the break. How long will you be away for? Have you told your parents about her? If you're going away for a week, then you can still organise to meet her when you get back. It's not a train smash, I wouldn't worry that much about it.

NO.


Emphatically NO. You do nothing.


Yep…you're out of time. OK…do nothing. You've basically got one week and you haven't seen her really enough to make this work. Enjoy this last week, see her once or twice at least if you CAN. See if you can just call and chit-chat over the break (please, no more than an hour at a time). When you get back, you need to hang out at least once a week, twice if you can manage it. Give it 4 weeks. Then try to kiss her. Seriously, you can jump back in the saddle as soon as you get back and you'll be fine.

Are things going to cool off? Yes, let's just face reality and be done with it. But if she's really worth it, she's the sort of person who can pick right back up where you left off. Keep things friendly and casual until then.

You are not ready, repeat NOT READY to play with matches right now (my way of saying taking caution-to-the-wind risks).

Heh…too bad you can't skip traveling and stay with local friends/relatives in the meantime. But, that's just part of your life right now. You're almost old enough to move out and nobody can stand in your way. Keep hanging in there.

Alright.

What I want ask is, why do you think this suggested method is important?

Justcurious that's all.

I've seen your other posts in the forums and you've responded tosome of my previous stuff.

It seems the standard is, talk for just a miniscule amount of time,then asking them out on a date.

You've suggested hanging out for a fair bit, getting to know them and then attempting to go further.

I definitely agree with your idea morebut Im just wondering, how doesit work?

Is itbetter to get toknowsomeone and become a minor/average friend, but make a move BEFORE you become a good friend?

It's better to get to know someone before jumping into a relationship.

I agree but isn't dating the process of getting to know them?

Dating is that. But you're not often in a full-fledged relationship when you're "dating."

My suggestions are just a quick way to get dates. Here's the rundown:

Basically you start out by scouting out people you see on a daily or weekly basis. You see someone who appears to be pretty cool, someone who sees you all the time, someone you are already in a sort of mutual comfort zone with. Could be work, school, or in my case, when I take my youngest kid out to the walking track at the park. This is basic making-friends kind of stuff.

My first step is the first five minutes. You definitely want to keep an eye on your watch when you do this. Five minutes, and get out. That's the whole "Hi! My name is____. I see you out here all the time and thought I'd say hello. Where do you work? Oh really? Then you probably know ____. Yeah, pretty cool guy. So what do you do out there? Oh wow…must have taken you a long time to learn how to do that. College? I see…so where did you go to college/uni? No kidding?! I went there back in ____. Did you have ____ for history? Yeah, he was a hoot! Hey, I have to go. Have a good one, and see you next week!"

Attraction is a push/pull kind of thing. Everyone does this. That's why flirting is so effective, and why you have to keep a time limit on things. Leave room for things to become interesting.

The next step is turn 5 minutes into an hour. So the next time you see her, stay on then 5 minute countdown.

"Hi there! You're ______, right? Enjoyed our chat last week. How's ______ doing? Cool. So what do you do besides work and coming here? Oh really? That's nice. Any hobbies, stuff like that? OK…you know, I've always wondered how _____ works, and you could probably tell me. OK. Ok. I see…oh, I get it. You make it sound easy! Wow, that's really interesting. So how do you_____? Ah, ok, that makes sense. Well…hey, I've gotta run. Enjoyed talking with you! I'd like to know more about ______. What are you doing for lunch? Maybe we can talk more about it then. Oh, here's my number. Just send me a text or call or whatever, and hopefully we can get together."

With any luck, she agrees to meet you for a quick lunch somewhere, which turns into an hour. You start with where you left off and spend the rest of the conversation chasing rabbits. You don't have to know a darned things. You don't even really have to say much. You are interested in her, so you show that by keeping her talking at all costs. And you listen, pay attention, and as soon as you are alone, you MAKE NOTES. As in WRITE STUFF DOWN so you'll remember, and that way you can Google what you talked about and maybe have some way of keeping it going the next time.

This is just the casual "hey, let's hang out stage," which sounds to me like where you are.

After you "hang out" a few times, you get to know her, you know what she likes, find out where she likes to eat, favorite foods, movies, bowling/mini-golf/paintball/etc. So when you feel comfortable and you're wrapping up your lunch/coffee/beer date, you say "Hey, you said you like roller skating…I suck at roller skating, but it looks like fun. Maybe you can help me stay on my feet this Saturday? Whadya think?"

BOOM.

You got a date…as in a REAL date.

Doesn't MEAN anything, you're still just a couple of friends hanging out. But it's a little bit more intimate and less casual than it was before. The dynamics of the relationship are shifting.

When you've done this for, say, three months and NEITHER OF YOU ARE SEEING ANYONE ELSE, neither of you are even interested in seeing anyone else, it's time to move the needle into romantic relationship territory. Holding hands is a good start. Once you move to kissing, it's pretty much a done deal, and you'll want to sit down and talk about what you expect from a relationship and hopefully agree that you both want the same things.

In the adult world, if you keep this up 6 months to a year, it's time to talk marriage and family, so I'm going to stop right there. The thing about dating and relationships is taking the time to get to know someone long enough that you feel comfortable around each other, you know you have shared interests, and you can be compatible in the long term.

Where YOU are right now is still in the more casual phase. What you want to do is move this towards a romantic relationship. Trouble is you have too many things working against you. You MUST hold off until after the holidays if you want any chance of this happening in any kind of lasting, meaningful way. EVEN IF you managed to get a commitment out of her the day before you leave, you're pretty much screwed because you're gone before you have any time to enjoy it. Come back from the holidays, start over at the casual, hanging out for an hour a couple of times a week stage, and see if you can push for a LTR after you've been home for a month.

There are never any guarantees, and the odds are never in your favor. If you do this, this is your best shot. Your success or failure will teach you a lot of things, and if she rejects you as a love interest after you've been home a month and you've resumed seeing her regularly, we'll want to talk about what went wrong and how to better proceed in the future. Right now, this relationship just isn't in the cards for you for a lot of different reasons, the biggest one being the distance you're about to put between yourselves in the next week. Like I said, talk to her every chance you get, try to hang out with her two more days, and then do whatever you have to do to put this out of your mind while you enjoy your holidays. Come back with a fresh perspective, and do just what I said.

I can't repeat this enough--no matter what ultimately happens, you'll learn a lot and you're going to be just fine.