Seeing all long-term relationships as fundamentally boring

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YES, I FEEL LOVE AND EMOTIONS FOR PEOPLE OTHER THAN ROMANTIC PARTNERS!! ! I don't even want to know how you got the idea that I'm a psychopath. (Or is it sociopath? Either way, I don't care!) Anyway, for romantic relationships, I much prefer admiration and/or respect, not "love" (notice the quotes). I extend the same in return, so it's all honest. And there you go again, tooting the "emotions" horn! I said many times: try to find another way to break it down for me. If you don't want to, your call. Just don't keep tooting that horn; it makes my ears hurt.

I never said you were a psychopath. I was saying that if you don't feel them then you need to check it out. That's why I was asking, to clarify lol

And there is no other way to break down an emotion based thing without using emotions. It's just not possible. It's like trying to teach calculus without math.

Arranged marriages aren't based on emotions. But in the Western world they are. That's the only kind I've known and the only kind I've seen so I wouldn't have a clue how to explain it any other way.

Why are you so against an emotional based thing? What exactly do you want me to use to break it down for you with, other than emotions? Arranged marriages are logical and based on other things, but people in them seem to act differently and do things differently because it's not based on emotions. Maybe something like that would suit you?

I asked about the lack of emotions because of your comments. It's a simple misunderstanding, calm down. It's no circus, I'm simply trying to explain it to you.

Can you not see that there is something you haven't experienced so you don't understand it? It's BASED ENTIRELY ON EMOTIONS so of course it's explained by telling you about emotions.

Tell me about how nuclear energy works buy don't use any science.

"Do you not feel live for family members or your pets? Do you not feel like for your friends? Do you not feel compassion for people you know who are sick or hurt or even strangers who are helpless and hurting who strike a chord with you? Do you FEEL anything for other people at all, or only in how they relate to you? "

I feel all of those things, and as much as I am giving to the one's I care about, as empathetic I feel when they are in trouble, as much as I'm willing to help, in the end I'd still never sacrifice MY lifestyle for THEIR happiness over my own.

Maybe I'm just selfish, maybe I'm just young, maybe you're altruistic, who knows?

I'd rather be single than locked into a giant cage with the love of my life and we stay in love until the day we die.

Just like if I care about homeless people or the disadvantaged, I'll do volunteer work to help out part-time, I'll donate a small sum of money here and there, but I'm not throwing away my life saving's on them or anything.

With family, I'll contribute to the housework, I'll give a tiny fraction of my cash as a loan here and there, I'll give a lift or do the occasional favor, etc. but I'm not giving up my future for them. If a family member was severely ill, I may take care of them for a bit, but I'd probably just find someone else or get professional workers from healthcare department to do it for me, as that's their job and not mine. I have my own needs to worry about.

As said before, not everyone will sacrifice their lifestyle for their partner, and for some, such as myself, sacrificing our lifestyle means sacrificing our happiness. I won't sacrifice my happiness in the name of 'love'.

I feel isolated, lonely and trapped spending all my time at home, which I have to as this is a boring city with nothing to do and I don't have many friends to spend time with. I also feel isolated and trapped if I visit a friends house for just a few days and all we do is sit around the house. So an LTR with an introvert will not leave me satisfied, as I am sacrificing my happiness.

I'm sure the same applies to Aspie1.

Now, I do agree he's using whatever arguments he can to justify his aversion to relationships, and to support his false ideas of what a relationship is, but I also disagree with your notion that a relationship/love is some dedicated, committed thing that will make you sacrifice your entire life for the other person.

I know what you mean, I've never felt it but I know it exists - moving halfway across the country to be with the one you love, quitting your job in the process, saving up and spending all your life savings to help pay for the house, giving up your career just to find the time to take care of the kids, protecting your partner from danger/emergency situations, I get it.

But I feel like you (or at least, some of the people here very dedicated to their partners) take it a bit far. For instance, I'd certainly move halfway across the country for my partner, but not halfway across the world, something some people actually end up doing. The 'power of love' is more limited for some than for other's.

As Hopper said, he desires a relationship where the two people are a part of each other's world's, where they are one in the same, etc.

Well, others, such as myself, value independence and self-reliance more, but still mutual love for one another. No matter how in love I am, I would never dare choose my partner over my own mother, the one who brought me into this world, raised me to the man I am today, etc. I'd never choose my partner over my siblings. Heck, even if it was a distant cousin I've never met or spoken to, if I can confirm they are family, they still have a 50/50 survival chance.

From my perspective, love DOESN'T trump all, and this is coming from a supposed 'hopeless romantic'.

Challenge accepted!

Everything in this world is made of itty-bitty things. They are so tiny, you can't see them. But they're there. Despite that, some of them can be broken into even ittier-bittier things. Nucular [sic] energy is what comes out when those little things break. That happens in huge buildings with towers next to them that puff steam into the air, guarded by really mean cops. If you do the breaking right, you can do some really cool _hit: light up streets, run electric trains, and sext on your smartphone. If you don't, it all goes KABOOM!

See?

THIS what I was trying to point out to everyone. Thank you for backing me up! After all, America gives me the right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. And if a significant other prevents me from doing so, I can't imagine letting one person take away what I'm entitled to as a US citizen.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 25 Feb 2016, 1:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

I replied to your post before you edited it. I'm repkying again because the curser on my phone is hard to deal with to edit.

I never said you were a psychopath. If I though you were I would have opened with calling you one. I was saying if you don't feel emotions then get it checked out. I said that because you are so very resistant to even acknowledging that romantic love exists when so many people tell you it does.

But here is a deal OK? Tell me EXACTLY how you want me to explain it and I'll try. It's not that I "choose not to" I just don't know how to explain an emotion based thing without mentioning emotions. So tell me exactly what you want to know and how you want it explained and I'll try to comply IF you will agree to admit that you can't understand it because you haven't experienced it yet AND admit that you don't have to understand something to realize that it exists.

Arranged marriages have no emotional part. I can tell you about them. Marrying for money or status or a green card doesn't either and I can tell you about them. The only other kind is a love marriage and its based on and all about emotions.

There is no she in saying " I haven't been in love yet so I don't understand how people enjoy this, but since you are in live and explaining it to me I believe there is something I don't understand and haven't experienced and that it's possible that all these other people experience that". That is all I was wanting from you.

But tell me how you want it explained and I'll try.

I appreciate the offer to make amends, but that's probably not necessary. Either way, truce. I'm realizing that it's really not much different than me "explaining" the joys of escorts. I suppose "chugging an energy drink during the train ride to go see an escort" is comparable to a romantic evening at home for someone in an LTR.

But see my attempt to explain nuclear power without using science; maybe something like that. And analogies. I always loved those. As long as people give me something I can relate to, I'm be very open to new ideas.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 25 Feb 2016, 1:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

Your brain chemicals cause you to feel, desire, and enjoy certain things. When certain chemicals are released they cause you to want to be with and enjoy the presence of a particular person. They cause you to start enjoying doing some things with that person that you wouldn't have before. They cause You to enjoy doing things with That person more than you enjoy doing things alone or with friends before. They cause you're priorities to change. They cause you to enjoy doing things that make the other person happy as much as you enjoy doing things that make yourself happy. If your brain has never released those chemicals before then you can't understand how they will change your priorities and desires. What looks like a boring situation to someone whose brain has not released these chemicals may be very enjoyable to someone whose brain has released them.

How is that? Is that any better? Do you get at all what I'm trying to say now?

I wasn't trying to make amends. I didn't do anything to make amends for. I was trying to find a way to get my point across.

And I suppose if the deepest emotional satisfaction you get now is drinking a monster on the bsubway ride to see a hooked then that is comparable, yes

Excellent explanation! It's also a Pavlovian connection between a stimulus you enjoy (your SO) and a stimulus you're averse to (dinner parties). Then again, I can't imagine enjoying being stuck at home with my SO, but the chemistry angle was perfect. So it's all good.

Ok so we are getting somewhere.

The chemicals produce a feeling that we call love. These are the same chemicals that cause your desires and priorities to change.

Now do you understand everything I've been saying? Replace the word love with "brain chemicals" and you should finally get it.

What exactly is the problem? So you don't want a LTR, don't get into one. Or is this about trying to understand why others want to?

By the sound of your posts, you think you'll marry Norman Bates's mother. Don't.

I think he secretly wants one, but simply doesn't want to end up like his friends.

He is afraid of what a relationship would be like, and feels he would be oppressed and controlled, especially since:

1. He was in a few relationships like this.

2. His friends appear to be.

And

3. His grandmother told him this is what relationships are about, or he at least interpreted it this way.

He is also driven away from the idea of a relationship further as other responder's here are supporting the idea a relationship will make him fall in love deeply enough to sacrifice his love and happiness for her, or he is at least interpreting it this way, even if it might not be true.

He's looking for evidence from people who are in happy, healthy relationships of actual FUN that they may have. Events, playfulness, etc. but feels he is only getting told 'LOVE IS GRAND. YOU'LL SIMPLY LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH THEM, NO MATTER IF YOU SIT AROUND AT HOME DOING NOTHING OR NOT'.

He's doing whatever he can to justify his aversion to relationships I think but at the same time secretly wants one that still allows freedom.

Even if it's been said to him there ARE women out there looking for the exact same thing he is in a relationship, he appears to be refusing to believe it, for whatever reason.

He seems conflicted and distressed over this to me, but most of the time I am as well, because the major issue is I think it's hard for BOTH of us to find exactly what kind of relationship we want with a woman at our two completely different ages.

As I said before, a lot of teen girls are surprisingly 'boring', though that's most likely just teens in general. That's not to say I'm 'super ultra interesting' myself, but I at least am very open to new experiences and leaving my comfort zone. Women, and by extension men his age are far more focused on settling down and sorting out their life. Aspie1 is different in that even if he can't party hard like a 21 year old, he'll still party and have as much fun as hard as his mind and body will allow before it starts to take a toll on him.

The solution to his problems are to admit he probably does want a relationship, a la the fact I think the man doth protest too much, and accept what he's looking for CAN be found, even if it's rare, and to start his search once again.

But those weren't his questions and I answered them as best as I could. He didn't ask about himself and his own issues he asked in general. Had he asked about his own issues and such I would have given him a very different answer.

BenderRodriguez, my posts are about fear. Because I've seen seeing my friends settle down, and I can't get over how BORING their relationships are. All my friends and their girlfriends do now on weekends, is either stay home alone or have snoozefest dinner parties with other couples. Basically, they went from being fun partners in crime to completely domesticated. I can understand not wanting to go to strip clubs, but they won't even go to the gym with me anymore. I've gotten tired of trying to invite people out; heck, I get fewer no's in dating. Imagine that!

Outrider, thanks for defending me and backing me up. Respect! You know, it's funny, 'cause at age 17 (yours), I remember very much wanting a deep, loving, committed relationship. And totally willing to sacrifice all of my freedom and personal time for it. My, how times have changed. You know, sometimes I feel like Patrick Henry, who fought for US independence from Britain in 1775. He said: "Give me liberty, or give me death!"

I think what I'd be most happy with is an FWB. More F than B, even; limit the sex to, say, once a month or so. It's enough to remember the nature of being FWB's, plus it matches the frequency of my current escort visits. But rarely enough to avoid triggering the bonding that sex causes, and by extension, the risk of her demanding a relationship.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 25 Feb 2016, 7:57 am, edited 3 times in total.

You're doing fine OliveMom.

I just remember he mentioned earlier about wanting people to actually mention things he can 'relate' to, instead of just playing the 'LOVE, LOVE, LOVE' card. It was a general comment not directed at anybody. I'll find it soon maybe.

He actually wants/wanted reasons to enjoy LTRs because he fails to see any benefit in them.

He seems to be stubbornly refusing to believe he can find a woman who wants EXACTLY what he wants.

If he as a man has these thoughts, that just confirms the concept is possible in people in general, so it can also be found in women.

What I wonder is, and what he should be wondering as well, is how we can both find more 'adventurous' and spontaneous women.

Cruises? Hotspot tourist destinations across the globe? These are great for his one-night stands and casual sex flings, but if he wants an LTR, not so much, unless they both happen to be going the same travelling path or agree to travel together.

As much as he claims he 'hates hates hates' the idea of LTRs, as I've said, he's clearly obsessing over it. He's undecided and probably actually wants one but can't overcome his fears. He's afraid all that fun from his casual flings and sex will all just go away.

I'm getting a bit psychologically analytical here but that's just what I'm getting from all this.

Try FWBs, then. They could possibly serve as a gateway to get you emotionally prepared for LTR's again - how long's it been since the last LTR, anyway?

Last edited by Outrider on 25 Feb 2016, 7:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

Aspie1, the relationships seem boring to you, but they most likely aren't boring to them.

All relationships are boring at times no matter how much you live someone but you are bored with circumstances and not with the person per se