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Gender Differences for ASD People re: Dating/Relationships

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breaks0
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15 May 2019, 9:02 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
Antrax wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
sly279 wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
You're not a homeless man, Sly.

And you're not unemployed.

You are supporting your family, in fact.

Might as well be according to how women see me . They say my job doesn’t count and it’s for kids, they don’t like I live with family. Don’t like I don’t own a car.
So I’m just as bad as homeless if not worse


Those things wouldn’t stop me from liking someone. I’m more romantic than that.

If a girl doesn’t want to be with you because you don’t have much money, she probably wouldn’t be worth your time anyway.


A girl might say I just want a sweet guy and don't care how much money he has or if he is handsome. But, they probably won't take the time to find out if that ugly broke guy they just met is sweet or not. That cute broke guy, or that ugly guy who has his life together might be worth checking out. That hot guy with a nice car, well he's a regular prince charming of course I want to find out if he's for real.

People care about more than money or looks, but they help get past the activation barrier.

Edit: This is not to say that Sly's situation is hopeless (it's not), just that it is harder for him.


It would probably help in this scenario to connect with someone over a special interest and to cultivate a friendship first.

This is why the idea of not wanting women friends is just shooting yourself in the foot. You should want as many as possible for this very reason. I'd probably be hopeless too if I didn't have any, so it helps w/your self-esteem, happiness and general well-being too. And your example of the first guy you dated only reinforces the point.



breaks0
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15 May 2019, 9:13 pm

rdos wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I felt like an outlier when I couldn't get into a relationship by 19. I'm not sure what it's like where you are, but here in the west, or at least where I am people start dating around 14/15. All of my friends and everyone I knew had been in one or more relationships by the time I was 19. Granted, there are obviously people who have gone longer without ever getting a relationship, and I think every year that passes that you've wanted a relationship is harder to cope with when you've never had one, but I still wouldn't discount the difficulty of not having had a relationship until 19. If you started wanting a relationship when you were 12 and everyone you know gets into a relationship by 19, 7 years of that unfulfilled desire is pretty taxing. It would be like if you started wanting a relationship at 18 and didn't get one until 25.


I don't think the NT typical framework is useful for comparisons. I mean, I had several nonverbal "things" going on in high school and college, the latter lasting almost three years, but none of them got to the point of a typical relationship, and I cannot say I would have wanted them to either. I was rather content with it as it happened.

My first relationship was at around 30, and then I got engaged and married a few years later (to another woman).

Still, I think my current love that started at 52 is by far the best ever. I would have wished we could have met when we both where in the 20s, but things didn't turn out that way.

Re: your last paragraph, I think I remember reading you say that on another thread recently, I'm not sure on which board. That's also kinda beautiful and really inspiring! We should all be happy for you and your partner and it should give us all hope.



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15 May 2019, 9:34 pm

breaks0 wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
breaks0 wrote:
If you think money is the only thing that matters to women then you're right, it's gonna be very hard to find partner, b/c you're mistaken. I've been active on this site for just a month and I've already seen several posters just here who are looking for alot more than that. Some single, some not. And I don't know about where you are, but that's certainly true where I am, the biggest city in the country. And I've met several women on the spectrum, none of them has ever said money is the main thing they're looking for in a partner. I'm not saying it's unimportant obviously, nor that there aren't many women for whom it is the only thing, but that's true of alot of men too (other than maybe sex). But you seem to think it's the only thing that matters to women . That's demeaning to women and it's sort of setting yourself up for failure.

You're right, most women don't need you to be rich in order for them to be interested in you, but in my experience a significant number of women are not willing to date men who work jobs that pay a lot less than their own. I think it's fair to say that when dating in your late 20s and early 30s, most women who are independent and who can afford to pay for their own lifestyle and sustinence won't date a man who lives with parents and who can't afford to live out of home, and pay for his own sustenance, unless perhaps he is a lot more physically attractive than her or is exceptional in another way.

Most people who pair up do so with roughly equal value. People if a similar level of physical attractiveness pair up. People of a similar level of education and employment pair up, etc. And where disparities do exist, they become neutralise by compensatory value-add, like a 9/10 woman pairing up with a 3/10 rich man, or like a professional 4/10 woman pairing up with an unemployed 8/10 man, etc. When you see two people in completely different "leagues" in terms of attractiveness and other things, often the person with the less attractive attribute is able to compensate in another facet of their lives to make the relationship work. Love seldom blossoms randomly with people whose "value" they bring to the relationship is heavily disparate.


Not in this economy they're not necessarily in decent shape financially. In the past that may've been true, but most people today are struggling b/c of the precarious, paycheck to paycheck economy. Especially your generation and Millennials, which you oughta know from experience better than I do, since I haven't worked much. 4/5 of households are in that boat. Ergo, most women also are suffering right now, they're at best lower middle class, often w/alot of debt, poor job security, maybe still living w/their families. That's common, if not the norm so out of necessity, many of them have to settle b/c like you say, guys are suffering too.

As to relative social status between people, ok I can see that. But again, b/c of what I say in the previous paragraph, that doesn't hurt your odds in most parts of the country when most of us aren't doing well financially.

I believe I specifically stated that 30-something women who are independent likely won't be open to dating men who are dependent and un/underemployed. People in comparable situations are more likely to be open to dating each other, but as far as I understand, by the 30s, most people have moved out of their parents place. There are more people my age living with their parents than in their 30s, certainly more than there have been in previous generations, but plenty of people I know have moved out of their parents' place and moved in with their friends, which obviously is a flex of their independence, and is generally preferable than living with parents in all aspects other than financially.



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15 May 2019, 9:44 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
There’s no reason to believe that one can’t get a relationship.

There is if every attempt to do so is met with naught in terms of positive results, over a significant amount of time.

It is possible for anyone who wants a relationship to get one, but "possible" is very different to "likely". It's possible if I put in a lotto ticket that I'll win the lottery, but the odds aren't exactly in my favour.

Moreover, people who have experienced constant rejection and nothing else have a lower threshold for tolerating rejection. People who have mixed experiences of sometimes being rejected and sometimes not can look towards the times that they weren't and use that as evidence that in future they have a decent chance of achieving a favourable outcome. More rejection for people who are constantly rejected just affirms to them that they're not good enough.



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15 May 2019, 9:58 pm

nick007 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
You're not a homeless man, Sly.

And you're not unemployed.

You are supporting your family, in fact.

Might as well be according to how women see me . They say my job doesn’t count and it’s for kids, they don’t like I live with family. Don’t like I don’t own a car.
So I’m just as bad as homeless if not worse
Then look for a homeless girl. I was planning to do that 1ce I was living in my own place instead of with my parents which looked kinda like a possibility(long story there). I knew a couple women online who were kinda couch surfing & would of be interested. You might could meet women like that online or you could volunteer at a homeless shelter. That was suggested to me at least a few times by more than a couple people when I kept making frustrated posts about being lonely. I really was in a similar predicament as you sly. My older posts & older members can attest to that.


1. Family won’t let me bring some woman home.
2. I tried that. I tried dating this lady who lives off her parents, doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t work, isn’t on disability, went to college but dropped out before finishing(has lot of debt), doesn’t have a license or car, she rejected me cause she wants a guy with his lif together. I assume so she can move in with him and have him provide for her to not work.
My sisters friend never planned to work she wanted to get with a well off guy and just spend his money but that didn’t happen so she works a crap job with no plan, lives with her mom and goes on vacations to Europe and stuff. She won’t date me either cause I don’t have my life together.
Same goes for the few women on disability I met on dating sites and tried to date.

Also some homeless women are dangerous like that one that almost attacked me while I was walking in the park.


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15 May 2019, 10:10 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
There’s no reason to believe that one can’t get a relationship.

There is if every attempt to do so is met with naught in terms of positive results, over a significant amount of time.

It is possible for anyone who wants a relationship to get one, but "possible" is very different to "likely". It's possible if I put in a lotto ticket that I'll win the lottery, but the odds aren't exactly in my favour.

Moreover, people who have experienced constant rejection and nothing else have a lower threshold for tolerating rejection. People who have mixed experiences of sometimes being rejected and sometimes not can look towards the times that they weren't and use that as evidence that in future they have a decent chance of achieving a favourable outcome. More rejection for people who are constantly rejected just affirms to them that they're not good enough.


It’s much more likely to get a relationship than win the lottery. LOL

You are young. You have time. My first real relationship didn’t happen until I was 24.


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15 May 2019, 11:15 pm

^ I’m 31 and never had one. I’m way more like I to win lottery


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16 May 2019, 4:09 am

sly279 wrote:
:(

Cheer up, I love your new fox pic.



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16 May 2019, 5:09 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
kdm1984 wrote:
Aspie female here. I actually had a really hard time in my teenage years and didn't get a date until age 19. Most guys considered me too tomboyish and nerdy, so I seldom attracted male attention. I think it's only easy for women on the spectrum if they are considered traditionally pretty. To this day, people tell me my husband is way better looking than I am, and they wonder why he picked me when he supposedly could have done better.

That said, I did find my guy at age 19, and we're in a very happy relationship. We've been together ever since. :)

So I guess I don't follow the usual pattern of spectrum women easily getting into sex and relationships, and then the relationships being bad. Instead, I was the opposite: I had a very hard time finding sex and relationships, but once I did, it was fantastic! :D


“Until age 19” is nothing, your case isn’t an example of chronic difficulty or abnormal struggling. I haven’t had any date until age 29 if I recall right -> now THAT is abnormal.

Most people start dating at 18-19, so nope, ;) nothing is extraordinary in your case.

I felt like an outlier when I couldn't get into a relationship by 19. I'm not sure what it's like where you are, but here in the west, or at least where I am people start dating around 14/15. All of my friends and everyone I knew had been in one or more relationships by the time I was 19. Granted, there are obviously people who have gone longer without ever getting a relationship, and I think every year that passes that you've wanted a relationship is harder to cope with when you've never had one, but I still wouldn't discount the difficulty of not having had a relationship until 19. If you started wanting a relationship when you were 12 and everyone you know gets into a relationship by 19, 7 years of that unfulfilled desire is pretty taxing. It would be like if you started wanting a relationship at 18 and didn't get one until 25.

Puberty hit me like a freight train, and struck early, so hormones kicked in and I started wanting a relationship since I was 12. Here I am, going to be 23 in 3 months and I've never had one. It's not easy to be optimistic when the thing you've wanted more than anything for 11 years has never happened for you, yet you're supposed to just deal with having to watch pretty much everyone else able to get it



I find it hard to believe that having the first boyfriend at 19 is out of the ordinary, regardless of culture.



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16 May 2019, 5:16 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
kdm1984 wrote:
Aspie female here. I actually had a really hard time in my teenage years and didn't get a date until age 19. Most guys considered me too tomboyish and nerdy, so I seldom attracted male attention. I think it's only easy for women on the spectrum if they are considered traditionally pretty. To this day, people tell me my husband is way better looking than I am, and they wonder why he picked me when he supposedly could have done better.

That said, I did find my guy at age 19, and we're in a very happy relationship. We've been together ever since. :)

So I guess I don't follow the usual pattern of spectrum women easily getting into sex and relationships, and then the relationships being bad. Instead, I was the opposite: I had a very hard time finding sex and relationships, but once I did, it was fantastic! :D


“Until age 19” is nothing, your case isn’t an example of chronic difficulty or abnormal struggling. I haven’t had any date until age 29 if I recall right -> now THAT is abnormal.

Most people start dating at 18-19, so nope, ;) nothing is extraordinary in your case.

I felt like an outlier when I couldn't get into a relationship by 19. I'm not sure what it's like where you are, but here in the west, or at least where I am people start dating around 14/15. All of my friends and everyone I knew had been in one or more relationships by the time I was 19. Granted, there are obviously people who have gone longer without ever getting a relationship, and I think every year that passes that you've wanted a relationship is harder to cope with when you've never had one, but I still wouldn't discount the difficulty of not having had a relationship until 19. If you started wanting a relationship when you were 12 and everyone you know gets into a relationship by 19, 7 years of that unfulfilled desire is pretty taxing. It would be like if you started wanting a relationship at 18 and didn't get one until 25.

Puberty hit me like a freight train, and struck early, so hormones kicked in and I started wanting a relationship since I was 12. Here I am, going to be 23 in 3 months and I've never had one. It's not easy to be optimistic when the thing you've wanted more than anything for 11 years has never happened for you, yet you're supposed to just deal with having to watch pretty much everyone else able to get it



I find it hard to believe that having the first boyfriend at 19 is out of the ordinary, regardless of culture.

It's not freakishly out of the ordinary like maybe 40 would be, but it is markedly later than normal. To give you an idea, just 12% of people are still virgins by 19.



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16 May 2019, 5:59 am

Polls are useless without a lie detector.



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16 May 2019, 6:03 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Polls are useless without a lie detector.

If it's anonymous and for gathering statistics, there's no incentive to lie. Based on what I see around me with people I know and society, I think it checks out. Virtually everyone I know had sex before 19



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16 May 2019, 9:12 am

sly279 wrote:
Only reason I haven’t ended it is I’m religious.

Which religion? And do you attend church/whatever regularly? If so, how big (in terms of approximate number of regular attendees) is it?

This may be one area of numerical advantage for you: Religious women tend to outnumber religious men, at least in most Christian churches, and tend to be interested only in men who share their religion.

Also, if you attend a church or other of house of worship, have you asked the leaders there to help you find a better job or refer you to someone who can? Churches can be an excellent source of business networking.


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16 May 2019, 9:28 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Only reason I haven’t ended it is I’m religious.

Which religion? And do you attend church/whatever regularly? If so, how big (in terms of approximate number of regular attendees) is it?

This may be one area of numerical advantage for you: Religious women tend to outnumber religious men, at least in most Christian churches, and tend to be interested only in men who share their religion.

Also, if you attend a church or other of house of worship, have you asked the leaders there to help you find a better job or refer you to someone who can? Churches can be an excellent source of business networking.


Churches can be a great place to meet people.

I would’ve had no trouble finding a relationship if I had stuck to my church, but it was more insular than most, so that was definitely a contributing factor.


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16 May 2019, 9:34 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Only reason I haven’t ended it is I’m religious.

Which religion? And do you attend church/whatever regularly? If so, how big (in terms of approximate number of regular attendees) is it?

This may be one area of numerical advantage for you: Religious women tend to outnumber religious men, at least in most Christian churches, and tend to be interested only in men who share their religion.

Also, if you attend a church or other of house of worship, have you asked the leaders there to help you find a better job or refer you to someone who can? Churches can be an excellent source of business networking.



A local Christian saying here: “Praying is women realm” , since women always outnumber men in churches.

That’s not the case for the Muslims though.



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16 May 2019, 2:38 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Only reason I haven’t ended it is I’m religious.

Which religion? And do you attend church/whatever regularly? If so, how big (in terms of approximate number of regular attendees) is it?

This may be one area of numerical advantage for you: Religious women tend to outnumber religious men, at least in most Christian churches, and tend to be interested only in men who share their religion.

Also, if you attend a church or other of house of worship, have you asked the leaders there to help you find a better job or refer you to someone who can? Churches can be an excellent source of business networking.



A local Christian saying here: “Praying is women realm” , since women always outnumber men in churches.

That’s not the case for the Muslims though.


Or the Jewish even. I read (and kind of agree) that Christianity tends to emphasize female sensibilities in the church, even if that is generalizing.