Gender Differences for ASD People re: Dating/Relationships

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I’d like to to think a lot of guys would understand no means no.

I personally don’t care if a woman looks butch as long as I find her attractive. I like short hair on women. And don’t care what she wears. But I’m not a guy who prefers or demands a traditional gender roles. I’m submissive so maybe that has something to do with it, i was also raised by all women. Unfortunately this makes me weak and feminine to most women who don’t like such things. I’m nit bi though.
Frankly I think this is why women shouldn’t raise boys alone, they raise them to be the idea man they think women want but in reality is unattractive t just about all women. Bit seems gender roles are still very much important to most people.

Disclaimer: All observations are general and do not apply to individual persons. Individual variation far exceeds group observation, and there are always exceptions.

There was an article I read I don't remember where that says that women tend to marry equal or up in status, whereas men tend to marry equal or down in status. This is due to traditional gender roles. Traditionally the man is a breadwinner while the women is the caregiver. While modern society tries to challenge this, it is hard to fight biology. Women have to spend 9 months pregnant, and up to a year nursing. This is a not-insignificant career hit relative to a man whose burden during pregnancy and the nursing period is significantly lower. As such the man takes on the role of supporting the family as he is relatively unencumbered in that role, while the women takes on the role of taking care of the family as she already has to take on that role during the pregnancy and nursing period. This logical partitioning permeates into the culture creating the role of breadwinner for the man and caregiver for the woman.

Since the man has the role of breadwinner, and the woman has the role of caregiver, there are far more "high-status" men than women. As such women can marry equal or up in society while men can marry equal or down in society. This has a trickle down effect. If the highest status men are marrying all the highest status women and some of the women of lower status, than the slightly lower status men have a smaller pool to choose from and so on and so forth. From the women's perspective since the highest status women can only take some of the highest status men that frees up extra highest status men for the next highest status of women to pair off with.

How does this apply to autistics? Well, for the most part we struggle. There certainly are some wildly successful autistics, but most of us are unemployed or underemployed. Secondly, when it comes to the personality part of the equation we have difficulty due to our social deficiencies. Thus, in general both men and women on the spectrum tend towards the "lower status" end of the pool with the added handicap of being socially awkward. Men suffer more than women because when you're at the bottom of the barrel trying to match even or down restricts you to just even, while for women trying to match even or up gives you more options.

Now general rules do not apply to anyone's individual story. Everyone's individual world is smaller than the world at large.

If you think money is the only thing that matters to women then you're right, it's gonna be very hard to find partner, b/c you're mistaken. I've been active on this site for just a month and I've already seen several posters just here who are looking for alot more than that. Some single, some not. And I don't know about where you are, but that's certainly true where I am, the biggest city in the country. And I've met several women on the spectrum, none of them has ever said money is the main thing they're looking for in a partner. I'm not saying it's unimportant obviously, nor that there aren't many women for whom it is the only thing, but that's true of alot of men too (other than maybe sex). But you seem to think it's the only thing that matters to women . That's demeaning to women and it's sort of setting yourself up for failure.

You're right there are more men than women globally, I thought it was the opposite. That's probably due to China and India where there's a huge gender imbalance and over 1/4 of the world's people live. Take those 2 out and you have more even numbers. I also overstated, I should've said 3 billion women and girls. Nonetheless, I don't know why you say that's not a real number, those are the numbers so actually the odds are just fine for men b/c you don't live in India or China. You say you aren't in a position financially to meet anyone in your city, let alone beyond it b/c no one is or would be interested and that there are more men than women where you are. That's not true in New York and it's not true nationally. I never dismissed the money issue as I said, but how do you know you'll always be in the position you're in now? Until recently I was worried that had to be my fate also, but I got some news re: this disability recently that may change that so I'm a bit more optimistic. I'm super aware how bad the labor market is, but that's not destiny. It's perfectly within the realm of possibility that things will improve for you career-wise and that you might be able to meet someone either where you are or elsewhere in the future. I've made women friends that way, which I get doesn't matter to you (more on that later) and if I stuck to it, I could probably find someone interested in intimacy. The numbers are in our favor b/c there are so many single, dis-satisfied people out there, that's a fact. But you have to give them a reason to be attracted, which I've given you some advice about. If you have no use for it, that's your choice.

Re: abuse in relationships, what you're saying is crazy, dangerous and deeply unhealthy. It just is. I mean if you don't care, again that's your decision. I don't know anyone who'd wanna live like that. Re: your brother's and your friend's experience, ok good for them. I don't think most people (especially women) would say they'd wanna endure that nor that putting up w/that is worth the price of being w/someone who can act that way often, probably regularly, especially when the abuse turns physical. But psychological and emotional isn't any easier in alot of ways. No my relationship turned unhealthy right from the beginning in ways I'm not gonna go into and I started getting hit less than 6 months into our dating. She tortured me the way her father tortured her when she was a little girl and I met him. On the surface he seemed alright, but I could see how miserable he made her. But all of that, no it wasn't worth the cost, Sly b/c I'm not interested in dealing w/abuse for obvious reasons, never have been, like most people aren't. Those who are, there's some serious mental health issues going on w/them, let alone their abusers. You can't compare your job to a relationship, it's totally different. If you're being abused there, I'd take that up w/someone.

You finally say women have never been interested in you and you're sure things will get worse w/age. Some thing do, yes, I don't enjoy aging, but there's not alot I can do about it other than taking care of myself, nor can anyone else. As I said earlier and in previous posts, you have to work on yourself, know who you are (other posters, men and women have said that on other threads here as well) and fight a fatalistic attitude that you're gonna die alone in a few years. Re: women as friends, you say you have no interest in that. That's where and how you meet people, Sly, it just is. You might meet someone through a guy, but you're as or more likely to meet someone who is a woman friend or who knows someone. You say women don't share your interests. I'm gonna give you the same piece of advice an aspie woman friend gave me: diversify. Try new things, something I need to do as well. As to everyone hating poor people, that's not true here. It makes it harder absolutely, but alot of Americans are poor these days, maybe most of us, especially Millennials and Gen Zers. Maybe you're right about where you are, I wouldn't know, but there are plenty of places around the country where that's not true b/c the economy is so bad. As to people treating you like a dog or something, I sympathize it must be terrible. Those obviously aren't the kind of people you'd wanna be around anyway. Atm, it still appears you're your own worst enemy re: relationships. If this is how you're gonna be, then yes it'll be hard to find someone.

Meh

Last edited by sly279 on 15 May 2019, 7:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You're not a homeless man, Sly.

And you're not unemployed.

You are supporting your family, in fact.

I had female friends and acquaintances and they all told me no I’m not good enough for any of their friends as they wouldn’t date a guy like me.

Might as well be according to how women see me . They say my job doesn’t count and it’s for kids, they don’t like I live with family. Don’t like I don’t own a car.
So I’m just as bad as homeless if not worse

The way your post was worded, yes it reads like you're saying being in an abusive relationship is better than being alone b/c you go on after your 1st 8 words to say that's beside the point. No, that is the point. I addressed abuse in some detail in reply to Sly so all I'll say is that the whole idea is crazy, dangerous and unhealthy. I've been there, wouldn't wish it on anyone.

There are degrees of severity, just as there are differences in kind. Here we have both. I'm not saying it's a consolation to someone who's been involuntarily celibate their whole life that isn't lacking a basic human need. But it doesn't compare to the other examples you gave, it's not in the same ballpark. As I said, I haven't enjoyed being this way my whole life, either than those 3 years of abuse, either. Is that any f*****g way to live if you would like a partner? Nonetheless I and others have provided suggestions to the other poster in question as to how he might try to improve his situation. If he finds them useless, that's his prerogative. I'm just offering what I've seen offered on this site and elsewhere and been told by women in particular (who generally know this stuff better than I or most men do). That's really all I can do other than giving encouragement, which I've also done already.

Thanks for the sentiment, it's appreciated. I wish you success as well.

You're right, most women don't need you to be rich in order for them to be interested in you, but in my experience a significant number of women are not willing to date men who work jobs that pay a lot less than their own. I think it's fair to say that when dating in your late 20s and early 30s, most women who are independent and who can afford to pay for their own lifestyle and sustinence won't date a man who lives with parents and who can't afford to live out of home, and pay for his own sustenance, unless perhaps he is a lot more physically attractive than her or is exceptional in another way.

Most people who pair up do so with roughly equal value. People if a similar level of physical attractiveness pair up. People of a similar level of education and employment pair up, etc. And where disparities do exist, they become neutralise by compensatory value-add, like a 9/10 woman pairing up with a 3/10 rich man, or like a professional 4/10 woman pairing up with an unemployed 8/10 man, etc. When you see two people in completely different "leagues" in terms of attractiveness and other things, often the person with the less attractive attribute is able to compensate in another facet of their lives to make the relationship work. Love seldom blossoms randomly with people whose "value" they bring to the relationship is heavily disparate.

Those things wouldn’t stop me from liking someone. I’m more romantic than that.

If a girl doesn’t want to be with you because you don’t have much money, she probably wouldn’t be worth your time anyway.

And there you go. I don't have anything constructive to add, except to say Twilight is far from the only one. MANY women on and off the spectrum are like that. Many people on this site are like that. You just have to find them.

Not in this economy they're not necessarily in decent shape financially. In the past that may've been true, but most people today are struggling b/c of the precarious, paycheck to paycheck economy. Especially your generation and Millennials, which you oughta know from experience better than I do, since I haven't worked much. 4/5 of households are in that boat. Ergo, most women also are suffering right now, they're at best lower middle class, often w/alot of debt, poor job security, maybe still living w/their families. That's common, if not the norm so out of necessity, many of them have to settle b/c like you say, guys are suffering too.

As to relative social status between people, ok I can see that. But again, b/c of what I say in the previous paragraph, that doesn't hurt your odds in most parts of the country when most of us aren't doing well financially.

A girl might say I just want a sweet guy and don't care how much money he has or if he is handsome. But, they probably won't take the time to find out if that ugly broke guy they just met is sweet or not. That cute broke guy, or that ugly guy who has his life together might be worth checking out. That hot guy with a nice car, well he's a regular prince charming of course I want to find out if he's for real.

People care about more than money or looks, but they help get past the activation barrier.

Edit: This is not to say that Sly's situation is hopeless (it's not), just that it is harder for him.

Then look for a homeless girl. I was planning to do that 1ce I was living in my own place instead of with my parents which looked kinda like a possibility(long story there). I knew a couple women online who were kinda couch surfing & would of be interested. You might could meet women like that online or you could volunteer at a homeless shelter. That was suggested to me at least a few times by more than a couple people when I kept making frustrated posts about being lonely. I really was in a similar predicament as you sly. My older posts & older members can attest to that.

It would probably help in this scenario to connect with someone over a special interest and to cultivate a friendship first.

I also want to say that the first boy I dated was morbidly obese, couldn’t get his GED because of dyslexia, and worked for his family’s construction business. I had had a crush on him for years.

We knew each other and were friends for some time and I knew stuff about his character that made him attractive to me. He was attractive in his own way, anyway.

There’s no reason to believe that one can’t get a relationship.