Don't Love Your Family? Don't Understand Love?

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Does anybody else find that they don't love their family?

For purposes of this discussion, I specifically want to exclude people who hate their family or if you doubt your family's love for you. I'm talking absence of love, not the presence of anti-love.

I rarely saw my extended family so I didn't feel any attachment to them; certainly not anything I would consider love.

In high school I was trying to explain to my mother why I didn't want to go out of state to attend the funeral of a family member: I barely knew them so I didn't feel attachment to them or miss them or love them. She was kind of taken aback by this and asked if I loved her. She made the mistake of asking if I loved her, to which I shrugged and said, honestly, "Not really." That caused an ugly rift for about a week. Then we had a conversation about what it meant to love your parent (details of which I don't recall at all) and I said "Well, I guess when you put it that way..." But it was very much a clinical, logical agreement - not emotional.

I don't think I ever doubted that my mother loved me, even though I was often frustrated by how she didn't seem to know how to deal with me. Years later, when she told me she had cancer, I didn't have much of a reaction. She subsequently asked me about that. I honestly replied that it's sad but there's nothing I can do about it. My grieving process involved going straight to acceptance, even before she actually died. I never doubted she was going to die, but I never told her that. I dutifully helped her with whatever she needed as her health declined. The morning she died, I met my sister, we took care of arrangements, and then I went to her house to began the long process of cleaning it up. Her death never felt like a loss; just another burden to bear. She had been so utterly ground up by the toll of being a single parent, homeowner, and corporate office worker - not to mention the agony of cancer and chemo - that her death seemed like more of a release than a punishment.

I haven't spoken with my father in about two decades. He was in and out of my life after my parents separated. I deeply resented being used as a pawn between my parents - how my mother simultaneously wanted me to spend time with my father but never his new wife, and how my father kept trying to force me to accept his new wife (spending time with him would mean also spending time with her). As I got older I also became especially resentful of his adultery (ever since I was old enough to really understand what adultery is it has something I believed should be punished with execution), his erratic presence in my life, and learning that many things he told me as a child were lies. We haven't spoke in about two decades. So I definitely don't love him. Only for a few years did I ever have a substitute father figure in my life, and he also somewhat inconsistently. I never had a coach or anything like that to fill a male mentor role, and I feel like my life is worse off because of it.

I have a sister who I visit a few times each year. We weren't close growing up and we've never had much in common. We wouldn't speak to each other at all if we weren't related. When I leave at the end of a visit she always reminds me that she loves me. As I know is normal for someone to say to their only sibling. I can't honestly reciprocate. She's got a kid and I don't love them either. I don't hate her or her family (if I didn't I wouldn't visit) nor hate visiting; I have no ill will for them. However, I only visit out of a sense of obligation and I don't think I'd miss them if I never saw them again.

There are a lot of reasons why I have never wanted children, but doubting that I would actually love my biological offspring is one of them.

I can't say I love any of my friends. I enjoy talking with them, enjoy spending time with them, wish them well, sometimes lament ones I haven't seen in awhile. But it seems like a very logic-driven thing to me. "Platonic love" is an abstract concept to me. A close female friend told me they wanted to show me "platonic affection" and didn't want it misconstrued as romantic affection. I don't even understand what that's supposed to meant.

I don't understand the concept of self-love either.

I do understand romantic love, or at least I think I do. It gives me something I can feel.

Anybody else feel this way? Is it a symptom of ASD, depression, or something else?

I never had a close relationship with anyone in my family partly because my family could not relate nor really understand the various issues I was dealing with. I was always a major loner with them. Me & my parents had LOTS of fights till I moved in with my current girlfriend at 30. Looking back I know my parents love me & have done LOTS more for me than most parents would do for their kids but they were very frustrated with the situation & lost about what to do. My mom tried quilting me into being more independent when I was trying my best but I was running in place a lot. I guess I love my parents & extended family but it's not really something I feel nor think about. However I majorly loved the three girlfriends I had & I was aLOT closer with all of them than I ever was with my parents or extended family. I think being able to relate & feel accepted is a huge factor for if I can feel & express love.

I'm not sure I understand the self-love concept either. Lots of people have said that I had low self-esteem but I think I have low esteem for others. I was very well aware I've had lots more issues than most people but I also knew I had good qualities as well. I knew from experience that others would be quick to judge me & write me off so to speak but that didn't automatically mean I hated & blamed myself. There were lots of times when I did because I didn't understand wht was going on & why I was struggling so much but there were also lots of times when I knew I was trying my best & I felt that if others gave me a chance & tried using different methods & teach me different things I could improve a lot. It seems to me like having a realistic view of my strengths & weaknesses is seen by others as me having low self-esteem because I'm not trying harder to overcome things.

I suggest you see a psychologist.

I'd do it for the love of food. Funeral food is the best food.

Joking aside I don't think I'd feel much love for some second cousin who lived out of state. Actually I do have some second cousins who live in another state. Friendly people. I like going to see them every few years but love is too strong a word.Oh, you should have just lied about that.

I feel and understand love. In fact I have so much love in me that it needs to come out somewhere, causing the need to take it all out on my boyfriend by giving him lots of kisses, cuddles and love talk.

Funny I feel love so much yet I have a lot of self-loathing in me. I think it's BS when they say that you can't love anyone else unless you love yourself.

That's good because I think low self-esteem is a type of self-love but twisted. Low self-esteem people tend to be concerned about themselves and how they measure up. Low self-esteem people don't have a high opinion of themselves but they have a very high opinion of how they should be.

I can certainly see why people would say that.

Though I'm not a very good liar so I doubt that *pause* "Yeah...of course..." would have been very convincing.

I keep trying to dodge that with my niece. She's almost old enough we might have a meaningful conversation. I don't want to hurt her, but I also don't want to lie to her. (Fortunately, she never asked me if Santa was real.)

Someone recently described me as "not having a mean bone in my body." Which I think is a fairly accurate appraisal. I lack compassion, but I also lack malice. Polite indifference. I have no interest in walking on eggshells to avoid maybe possibly accidentally hurting someone's feelings, but I'm not going to deliberately cause anguish - short of telling the truth despite being aware it will hurt. I do despie some people, but that's a conclusion based on their behavior. Not envy or jealousy; I think they're genuinely terrible people thus despising them is the appropriate response.

My mindset, going back as long as I can ran remember, is everyone I meet needs to give me a reason to care about their existence. Until they do, positively or negatively, I am utterly indifferent about them. It would seem to fit with my childhood attitude of pretty much never being interested in trying new things.

Self-reflection reveals some underlying logic to it. Meeting new people and trying new things is almost always a disappointment. I don't have anything in common with the person, I don't like the taste of the food, I don't enjoy the music, etc.

An exception to this would be books. I try new books all the time because 99% of books I only ever read once, even if I like them. But I suppose that's because new books usually do allow me to learn interesting things I didn't know before. Unlike people or food, my life experience with books trends positively. It also helps that books have ratings on places like Goodreads and Amazon so I can use this information to pick and choose where I can reasonably expect success (i.e. predict that the book will likely be enjoyable).



I have high standards, but always hold myself to the highest standards. I have to. Otherwise I'm...only human... *shudder*

Some years back I concluded the easiest person in the world to disappoint is yourself. You've probably disappointing yourself your entire life. But the people that you care about? Some of them you've never let down, so why start now?

Cass is the same way probably from growing up in an abusive neglectful environment. She was taught to put other's 1st & that her needs are not important. She judges herself by sucieties's standards of needing to be independent, capable, & successful but she never judges me nor others by those high standards. I often point that out to her & tell her she should judge herself by the same standards she has for others like me. She's her own worst critic. I agree about that statement being BS. I wonder if perhaps it's based on the assumption that self-loathing will cause the person to difficult within a relationship & they won't express their love for others as much in an appropriate, acceptable, & balanced way That could be the case with Cass. She reaches her breaking point after a while cuz she's not taking care of herself & she shuts down or gets frustrated & it comes out as anger & irritability. Most anything someone can do to express love can appear as selfish if you analyze it from a certain point of view.

Were you not aware that when you told your mother you didn't really love her it would hurt her?

I'm wondering if it's not that you don't love them but that you're just detached from your feelings. The description you gave of helping your mother when she was dying and then feeling relieved that the struggle was over when she did die, and then taking care of her things, are all things you could have just not done. If you didn't care you could have walked away. Some people only know how to express their love by helping with practical things.

Also, all of us feel relief when a suffering person whom we are close to dies after a long and painful illness, even when we loved them very much.

I don't know, just a thought.

I was asked an question; I gave a honest answer. I didn't give any thought to what The reaction would be.

As a child and teenager I was very blunt. It's only as an adult that I've become more calculating about what I say. I suppose it's a kind of masking. I'm kind of used to it now, but I wish I could go back to saying whatever was on my mind without having to give any consideration of how anyone else might react. Restraint is disingenuous.



That's quite possible. My emotions for a lot of things are rather muted.

But I do have a sense of responsibility too. Obligation is a driving force in my life. It provides clear purpose.

I fixed that for you.

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There is a difference between restraint and not realizing that telling your mother that you didn't love her would hurt LOT.

You are correct. I don't I gave a rat's ass about much of anything at that point on my life. If I was any more checked out I would have been one of those library books that doesn't get returned for a century.



It's more important to be hated for the truth than liked for a lie.

Forgive me if i observe you appear to have psychpathic [edited] levels of empathy.

You can probably forget about romantic love.