Urgent Relationship Help

Post Reply New Topic

I'm an NT in a long term gay relationship with an aspie guy. He is 21 and I'm 29 and we have been seeing each other for 2 years and living together for 1.5 years. However, for the last 3 months he's been working away and we've only been able to see each other every other weekend or so.

Anyway, everything was going fine and I was feeling that the relationship was going really well. Have had a really nice few weekends with his family and everything seemed to be going amazingly well. I fully understand his aspergers (read all the books etc.) and love him for what he is and give him space and all that. We seem to have a way that works. Well that was until last weekend....

I found that he had been on internet sites searching for other men and then I found text messages between him and another man with my bf inviting this man to his flat....

I questioned him about this and he said that it was just "fun" and that it wasnt anything apart from "excitment". He said he liked the chase and invited this man to his flat but didnt let him in and has never met him. (I know this is wrong but I checked this by phoning the man from my bf's phone and asked him about the meeting and he said that there had never been a meeting).

I have questioned him over and over again about whether there is anything going on and whether he has ever cheated on me. He says no.

I honestly dont know what to do as I love him so much but I feel completely let down. I help him with all aspects of his life and then he does this to me. Half of me says I need to move on and turn over a new chapter of my life but the other half of me suspects that he really was bored in a new place and just saw this internet chatting as a bit of "excitement" and nothing more. However, I dont think he will every know how much this has hurt me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated? I want to deal with this situation in an unemotional way so that he can understand properly. I also dont want him to think that this kind of behavour is tolerable in a relationship.

Please help.....what should I do?

I think the fact that he's an Aspie is irrelevant to the situation, and Aspies are not the best people to get relationship advice from! I would try Dan Savage instead. Good luck!

If he hasn't cheated YET that's good.

What he did was quite dangerous - what if the other guy had gotten angry?

Anyway, while Aspieness does drive you to do weird things occasionally, they're generally impulsive - not long-term plans.

You guys need to communicate a bit more - have you tried writing letters to eachother - not blaming just answering the basic how do I feel questions.

Once you've done that, swap letters, read them twice and then take turns to ask questions.

Don't shout, Don't blame.

If it's meant to work out, it will. My wife and I went through a really tough time - very similar to your situation and we got over it and are stronger for it. That happened about 4 years ago.

Good luck.

thanks for that post...its really helpful....

I'm just wondering if there is something in this that is aspie in nature or whether I should be just as angry and upset as if it were a NT person?

gez, hi there.
Welcome to WP,

I don't understand. What does it matter if he is Aspie or NT. If they do something you dislike, you will still feel bad about it.

I don't believe the internet surfing for 'fun' is an AS trait alone. Men do this all the time NT or not.

I don't know what his motives are, I cant begin to speculate. I was in this situation before, my ex husband surfed for 'fun'. It went further, he got texted and he said it was all innocent. And now we are divorced.

I don't know what to tell you. You know him best.

I agree this doesn't sound so much like Aspie behavior as much as thoughtless, potentially promiscuous behavior on his part. Then again, he might not feel as emotionally possessive as you feel about him - and that's not a judgment call against you, there's nothing wrong with feeling emotionally possessive of a lover (as long as you don't get nuts and controlling about it). I say this because he might not understand why you are so hurt by this. For some Aspies (and indeed, for many NTs), sex is one thing, and emotions are another.

My concern would be, how will he cope the next time he feels uncomfortable or bored in a new place - will he run off and hit the chat sites again? How far is he willing to take it? And like you said, what does he plan to do if things go badly? Sounds like he's playing with fire a bit here. Maybe he has issues with impulse control, or doing dangerous/risky things to feel "alive" or "for the rush" it gives them. You definitely don't have to have AS to be that type of person.

Just things to think about. Being Aspie doesn't make you a better person, nor does it necessarily make you a worse one. Just like with our 9-year-old son, you need to be able to figure out (in a general way) which behaviors are AS related, and which are him just being a brat.

Good luck to you.

Doc Gamester, Resident Board Love/Relationship advisor at your service.


I don't mean to be blunt here, but it sounds like you are a bit over possessive Gez. Not that I find anything wrong with that, but it's.......er........not helpful.

Yes, your partner did wrong, but forgive him. He hasn't cheated on you yet, and if he's still strongly committed to the relationship, then all for it and go.

The chase though? Yeeeeesh. I'm not that much of a player, and I'm not saying your man is, but that's just grounds for stupidity right there.

Hope I was helpful. Never helped out with a relationship such as this before.

Best of luck.

----Doc Gamester----

My wife gets easily jealous, too--in the past, to the point of phoning divorce lawyers. I suspect that you may be jumping to conclusions.

I disagree, this IS a serious matter and it could lead to worse things unless;

a. You figure out the real reason
b. You put into place better communication
c. You both work on love

My wife and I went to a marriage encounter weekend a few years back. It did what the councillors could not - got us working as a team again.

People talking there kept saying the same things over and over again...

Sometimes I love my partner, and sometimes I have to work at it.

It's a fallacy to think that love just "hangs around" without being worked on.

The normal rules of marriage apply in this case, to gay marriages and to aspie marriages. There aren't any exceptions.

It's just a pity that there aren't as many marriage courses for gay couples.

Also - I don't know if it's relevant, but consider reading men are from mars, women are from venus as you or your partner may have some "feminine" traits which aren't being addressed because the other partner thinks too "masculine" - hope that last bit wasn't offensive - it wasn't intended to be.

There's other relationship books around but that particular title explained a lot to me - it may not be so relevant in your case - dunno.