Stupid infatuation...

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It's like I'm drowning in it. Last night I went to the movies with a friend, and when I wasn't caught up in the awesomeness that was The Green Lantern, I found my mind drifting off to think of someone very close to me. I've always thought of him as a brother, and have told him so multiple times, especially the two times we broke up. It's like he's my protecter, someone I always want either nudging me forward from behind or tight at my side leading me on. This I've also felt for other males older than me that I look up to as father or older brother type figures, including the affection part. I've always been an affectionate person when it comes to people I admire, but I don't usually ever feel the dying need to be... err, held, by anyone other than my mother, and even this is different. He just feels so warm and comforting, and I know he will always like me no matter how insane I am. He's one of the few I trust almost completely, and he's one of the few that send my emotions off the most. I feel alive with him. He's the kind of guy I'd be willing to run away with.

So thanks to my inability to tell even anger from depression, I have NO clue what the hell I'm feeling. If I ask him out... again, or say yes to him asking me... again, it will end sadly... again. The main problem is the lack of structure. He can't afford to drive, I can't drive period, and our parents refuse to lend us a hand. My brother complicates his visting here and his father dissaproves of females in their house (not that my stepdad will allow it either). And I can't break his heart again. It makes me feel all sick and weird.

Another thing certain peopl have brought up is my relationship with my father. According to a certain quack or two, a a man with bad relationship with his mother will effect his romantic life. Why wouldn't it work the other way around? I for one have a horrible relationship with my father, who in my mind died about 3 years ago and was replaced with an even more neglectful and hurtful creature. I even cry as if he was dead sometimes. I miss the old man dearly, but he has hurt my brothers and I so much. I'll be damned if anyone breaks mine or my baby brothers' hearts.

Dear God this guy stirs up past pains like a rock thrown into a staic pond.

I can relate this guy to being punched in the face and covering it in Icy Hot (my metaphors are odd, I am aware). He causes a ton of emotional pain, nulls away all that by making me a giddy little child, then relaxes it away by just making me feel so safe and warm and infatuated with him and I still know it hurts but I don't care because he's there with me. And whenever I think I'm over him, he'll do something like send a text like this.

"I saw this girl earlier; her eyes were just like yours. It threw me out of sorts for the rest of the day."

By God, with my ego I can't help to be flattered and perhaps even charmed. Do I miss him or do I miss the attention? God knows I at least miss the attention, but would it be the same coming from another guy? When the guy dressed as Boba Fett at ComicCon told me my eyes were pretty, I got just as flustered as when he jst said it, but there was none of the pain or affection attached. I am so confused it's making me dizzy.

Wait, could this possibly be a side effect of the birth control I just started 2 and a half weeks ago? Or am I just so desperate for a boyfriend I'll settle for the only guy that will take me? God, help me figure this out.

I'm too young for this crap.