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krex
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02 Jun 2008, 11:47 am

I know I am weird but I don't think I am the only female like me so....

I don't like guys that look TO clean...I prefer them to look interesting and natural like a forest which can be a bit musty.
I don't like jewelry.
I do like someone who can laugh at themselves and life's absurdities .
I prefer men who like to read and talk about what they read....I like information.
I don't like men who waste money to try and impress people...thrifty and creative is sexy.
I do like someone who asks my opinions and then listens.
I like someone who has their own interests and gives me plenty of space.
I hate lies...that is a deal breaker.
I think quit shy guys are cool and loud and obnoxious guys are boring.
I like to be told that they like me...everyday. (I have a very bad memory :wink: )
When someone is with me...I am the center of the world...and they can expect the same focus from me.
I like people who don't hurt other people and have high standard of ethics.
Don't try and change the other person...like who they are and if you don't, find someone else.





Most important is just not thinking you need to be anyone but who you are, because if you pretend to be who you think the other person will like...then they will never find the person who just likes who you are. Most of what first attracts another person to you is beyond any thing you can control...mannerisms, voice, individual tastes in looks, innate intelligence and ability to use logical reasoning.


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sinsboldly
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02 Jun 2008, 11:53 am

0_equals_true wrote:
merr wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
The really savvy woman will want a guy with a home hobby. She will never wonder where he is, for he is always there, doing his hobby. This is incredibly comforting to a woman, that there is little opportunity for straying, for other girlfriends. So remind them in subtle ways that you are a true blue guy (and that getting ONE girl to marry him is hard enough with out having to run around on her!)

see, an asset you never knew you had!

Merle
No offense meant, but this sounds a lot like insecurity, not savviness.

That is what I'm thinking. What if his hobby involves going out?

I do agree will having a hobby but for different (opposite) reasons. I would want the in a woman too. Simply because it not humanly possible to spend every waking hour face to face, and it would drive me nuts especially. Also if we both had things that we we interested in would would understand the need to do that.


That is why I am talking about a home hobby. Model making, Computer programming, on WP for ever, carpentry, (oooh! carpentry is great! I had the home of my dreams with my third husband, he was a stage carpenter!) My first husband had a home office. That sort of thing. It is good to know where your hubby is, but not being with him all the time!
Merle



Zane
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02 Jun 2008, 1:42 pm

EvilKimEvil wrote:
I have this saved as a blog entry.

It's based on my observations of what women find attractive in men - how common myths are usually twisted and simplified versions of the real story.

Here it is:

I find that most women want a man who is entertaining, above all else. The second most important thing is for the man to be successful in some way, especially a way that is important to that individual woman. Third on the list is niceness.

Being entertaining can mean being funny and charming in a conventional way, or it can mean having a sense of humor that is offensive to some people, or it can mean being alternately charming and rude in a bizarre, quirky way. I think this is the origin of the "women like jerks" myth. What is overlooked is that most women prefer a guy who is funny, spontaneous, charming, and witty without being a jerk. The catch is that many women would choose a funny, charming, successful jerk over a boring nice guy with no sense of humor. But neither would be considered ideal! The success thing gets misunderstood a lot too. Some women really do judge a guy by how much money he makes, but most women look for other forms of success. It is really attractive when a guy puts a lot of effort into something he likes and is fairly good at it, whether or not he makes any money at it. This is one reason why guys in bands get so much action, as do athletes. But it doesn't have to be something in the public eye. If you tell a girl you're a writer or an artist, that's often a turn-on. Unfortunately, this does not always apply to things that most women don't care about or understand such as computer programming or chemistry - unless you're extremely successful, at the top of your field. The good news is that knowledge is included as a form of success. A guy who is extremely knowledgeable, whether it's about one thing or many things, and wants to share this knowledge without bragging about it is attractive!

Yes, niceness is important too. And this can come in different forms. There are women who like guys who are really nice to them, and maybe their friends too, yet mean to everyone else because this makes them feel special (another source of the "women like jerks" myths). But most women like guys who are laid-back, nice, polite, and not interested in fighting (although, yes, there are some women who thrive on drama). So this is important, but its definition varies from woman to woman, just like everything else.

In my case, for example, I prefer a guy who is really nice to me and has an irreverent, quirky, sarcastic sense of humor, and is really knowledgeable about something I'm interested in. I don't like jerks and I don't care about money or physical attractiveness in the traditional sense. When I talk to other girls about guys, most of them feel the same way! Girls who are really into a certain kind of music want a boyfriend who's into the same music and is good at playing it or knowledgeable about it and is nice and is funny/charming/fun to hang out with. Long explanation, I know, but I think it's all pretty simple.

The criteria are:

1. Entertainment Value

2. Success/Talent/Knowledge

3. Kindness & Courtesy

If you can master humor, some kind of charm, some kind of ability or knowledge or success, and the ability to be nice to people, I think you'll have a good chance at finding at least one woman who is right for you.


All of this looks good on paper but hate to break it to you it's all BS.

I am 22 years old and have only been with one girl. She left me the miniute I shared what was going on in my life. When I was a writer it was cool. When I told her about what inspired me e.g. depressed people. Or told her why I was upset. She broke it off. In her defence I was wanting to stop dating also but felt it was better to stay and learn as much as possible from the experience.

Other than her I have 0 experience.

But I am all of the above.

I am a full time student in a program for Microcircuit design = $$$

I was in a band. Only reason I left was I decided to find a Job to support my passion.

I am also an actor/model who makes a minimum of 1,400 a year off of EXTRA work. (also a passion)

I am also an improv comic. (another hobby) So you know I'm funny ;)

I also write for multiple journals and magazines when I get the chance. For one article I will make a months rent. (500.00)

I also enjoy many activities and love volunteering with the elderly.

I have a 7 year old sister who adores me. Every girl I have brought to meet her instantly fell in love with her. She is bright and beautiful. Not looking forward to beating the boys off with my yard stick ;)

So as you can tell I have A LOT going for me. I just don't brag. I was raised by my grandmother. Always chivalrous.

My point is this I have it together. But Women still do not want to date me.

In my opinion it is because I do not touch and show physical affection enough.

My AS makes me pretty sensitive to touch and because of that I flinch a lot at little things like touch...

I am very awkward around women I have not paid to show affection. Strippers and I have a lot of fun. Sometimes I pay 80.00 just to sit and chill with them. Met one who was pre-med and another almost done with her Law Degree.

So the question is what do I do to get more comfortable touching women?


-Zane


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Last edited by Zane on 05 Jun 2008, 2:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

pbcoll
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02 Jun 2008, 3:20 pm

Cyberman wrote:
Good idea for a thread... better to ask than trying uselessly to speculate about "why women do this" or "why women do that." However, not all Aspie guys will be able to benefit from the advice given so far... in fact, I haven't seen anything that would even get me past the first step.

aylissa wrote:
Be yourself.


Well, who else could I be other than "myself"? Abraham Lincoln? Jean-Paul Sartre? Attila the Hun, perhaps? Being "myself" only scares people off.


Attila would definitely get the girls... But seriously, I'm in the same position. There is no more effective turn-off in the world than being myself. The women around me would not consider dating me if i I was the last man alive, but at some level I just don't expect anything good from relationships and I don't believe in them anymore. I too have not seen anything that would be of any use to me - washing and brushing my teeth are things that I do already,

Cyberman wrote:
EvilKimEvil wrote:
I find that most women want a man who is entertaining, above all else.


This could be a major reason why most relationships don't last very long. People get boring after you've known them for awhile. I don't see how it's even possible to remain entertaining in a long-term relationship unless you're a comedian or something.


I hadn't looked at it that way, but you're probably right, Cyberman. I guess I'm terrible entertainment value - everything that most people are into bores me to tears (celebrities, sports, soaps, dancing, etc) and the things that interest me bore most people to tears. I am no stand up comedian.

Cyberman wrote:
EvilKimEvil wrote:
If you tell a girl you're a writer or an artist, that's often a turn-on. Unfortunately, this does not always apply to things that most women don't care about or understand such as computer programming


I'm NOT giving up what I'm interested in just so I can have more success with the ladies. Any guy who does that doesn't deserve to be called a "man."


I agree. Have some dignity. Likewise, I'm just not going to pretend I'm interested in things I have no interest in whatsoever (like clubbing) - it fools no one and goes against my self-respect.


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sarahstilettos
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02 Jun 2008, 3:42 pm

I like men who actually like women. I mean really like women in general, enjoy their company and think most of them are intelligent and good natured beings. I only really became aware of how much that means to me after being on this forum for a while, but I guess I always saw him having female friends as a good sign. It says a lot of good things about a man if he has close female friends, I always find.

I liked EvilKimEvil's post, it said a lot of things I wanted to, but I think 'entertainment value' is the wrong phrase, because it's about you having fun together, not him standing up in front of you in the living room doing a comedy routine.

Good memories...

feeding vodka soaked bourbons to squirrels in a park
him being responsible for bringing food to our picnic, and turning up with pickle and chutney sandwiches and a whole pinapple that we couldn't eat because there was no cutlery to break it open
making up stupid nonsensical jokes about humous and giggling profusely on the tube


Zane,

I think what people mean when they are intimidated by you is that you seem very very sure of yourself... Obviously I don't know if you speak in the same tone as you write but I am quite scared of you by what you've written.



imipak
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02 Jun 2008, 4:17 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
LePetitPrince wrote:
Quote:
If you can master humor, some kind of charm/quote]

No one can master these 2 things, these traits are genetic.


bushwa! it's called developing a sense of humor!

I heartily recommend it.

Merle


I tried developing a sense of humour, but discovered I'd used the wrong speed film.



imipak
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02 Jun 2008, 4:31 pm

krex wrote:
I know I am weird but I don't think I am the only female like me so....

I don't like guys that look TO clean...I prefer them to look interesting and natural like a forest which can be a bit musty.


Although clean has been repeatedly mentioned, science studies indicate that very low levels of male body odour can make some women much more relaxed and at-ease, and that even low levels of perfume can be an irritant to many. I'm going to guess krex is much closer to the balance point that is liked overall.

Having said that, I have to wonder how important it is. Popular culture certainly doesn't show the heavy-lifting sweat-covered greasers of the world as having any less success in relationships than anyone else, suggesting that it can't be right at the top of the list.

Examining some of the other things people suggest (sense of humour, hobbies/activities, intelligence, genuine caring and compassion - as opposed to kwik-e-mart stereotypical "charm school" fake compassion) shows that there's got to be something else in the mix. Something that is deep-rooted, deeply desirable, and (apparently) completely unacceptable to put in such a list. Why? Because I mastered every last on of the recommended or suggested characteristics, but spend life utterly alone, whereas I've watched as sick, twisted users of people get the girls evey time. Of course, that might very well be the difference that leaves me feeling like moving to Pluto would give me a warmer social life. If so, moving to Pluto might not be such a bad option.



pbcoll
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02 Jun 2008, 5:08 pm

imipak wrote:
Examining some of the other things people suggest (sense of humour, hobbies/activities, intelligence, genuine caring and compassion - as opposed to kwik-e-mart stereotypical "charm school" fake compassion) shows that there's got to be something else in the mix. Something that is deep-rooted, deeply desirable, and (apparently) completely unacceptable to put in such a list. Why? Because I mastered every last on of the recommended or suggested characteristics, but spend life utterly alone, whereas I've watched as sick, twisted users of people get the girls evey time. Of course, that might very well be the difference that leaves me feeling like moving to Pluto would give me a warmer social life. If so, moving to Pluto might not be such a bad option.


I can easily tell you the answer: you have to be Normal. Or if you're 'defective', you have to be so in a way that popular culture knows about and that doesn't inherently, directly impact social interaction (being epileptic, or in a wheelchair, for example).

There is an ad here in Britain for some toothpaste for sensitive teeth. There's a girl saying that when she ate cold things she had to eat them in little bites because of her teeth. Did she say she was using the special toothpaste because she had given up foods she liked because of her teeth? Because it annoyed her to have to eat in little bites? Because she just wanted to eat any way she pleased and not feel pain? No, 'you don't want people thinking you're a bit strange.'

Two people I know, a guy my age and a female friend of his, after she had had plenty of truth serum (beer), she told him maybe the reason he had no luck with the ladies was that he walked a bit funny, and that instinctively women don't want an abnormal child (and hence reject abnormal men). Now, if he does walk funny it's not something obvious enough for me to notice, and he's an athletic guy, perfectly capable of walking long distances, running, etc, it's not that he's a cripple, just that the way he walks in some subtle way deviates from 'normal.' By the way, that's the result of an accident and not genetic.

Or a girl I know, definitely odd but nice, shy, confident and aggressive at the same time. Another girl that doesn't like her told me about her 'She's weird' Me: 'Yes, but she's nice.' But for her, her weirdness was enough to make her avoid her, while for me the important thing is that she's nice. Talking to yet another girl, I said of the oddball girl: 'She's a little bit strange.' She: 'No!' and was upset because she likes that girl. Me: 'Nothing wrong with that, she's nice.' But you're not supposed to think someone is strange but still like them. At best, you'll be accepted as a friend, but as a partner, that's another story (see paragraph above).


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merr
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02 Jun 2008, 6:54 pm

Zane- you stated why she left, and to be honset that is not only a girl problem. Most people DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT want to get it a relationship where they think a person is depressed. Why? Because to them it signifies problems and drama, and that's usually not what people are looking for when they want to find a mate. Sure, there are plenty of people out there who have the "I will go to my depressed lover and save him/her from themselves" fantasy, but what it takes is a lot of patience, a lot of time, and some know-how. To ask anyone to understand that is unfair, because they are only young people looking to make their lives enjoyable. Some women will assume that they will have to baby a man, and some men think they will have to baby a woman. Did your friend tell his girlfriends about his personal problems? Probably not. I'm only saying this as a warning, because in the past I made the mistake as well and it really pushes people off. They see it as a burden. I thought it was unfair at the time, that I should be able to share my thoughts, but the truth is most people are not able to play the role of comforter/therapist, they will fail and will most likely start becoming depressed as well. I know you are probably not depressed yourself, but mentioning these things in any form ( anything besides saying that you have overcome issues) will always put you in that risk zone, whether it be with male/female, friend/lover.



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02 Jun 2008, 7:04 pm

Wow, it looks like a lot of what I wrote got interpreted in ways other than what I meant to express. Too bad I don't have time to clear things up right now. I'll try to remember to come back later and clarify some things.



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02 Jun 2008, 8:40 pm

Zane wrote:
bad idea? She began talking about how she almost killed someone in a drinking driving acedent and that she was in tent city and Arizona prison and met some lady who had put a person in a coma...on and on she goes.

I said things like "Well, there is always MADD" etc. etc. ... basically this girl who had earlier told me she wanted a relationship but would not sleep with me right away was now telling me some stuff that I really didn't ask to hear. SHE KILLED my buzz.

Usually I'm the one complaining about how hard it is to meet women, but a few women really do turn you off thoroughly with what they say. For example, one time I worked at some retail store while in college, and a female coworker about four or five years older than me related to me—completely unasked and unwanted—about how she had to go to some clinic for a cervical inspection and how her boyfriend had apparently just been using her for sex (which only made me wonder how she figured that out only after she had been having sex with him for a few months). She soon was making insinuations. I did consider it if only because I really had no other options at the time, but I really was not attracted to her at all.



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02 Jun 2008, 9:43 pm

One of the biggest mistakes, I think guys make, is how they decide they want to be with a particular person. I know we can't help who we are physically attracted to, but we can practice stepping ot side our "physical type" to explore relationships with other people. I always thought I only liked thin guys until I dated someone who was "over" weight. Turns out...it was nice and didn't "bother me" the way I thought it would (from a sensory stand point) . If the guy had been a jerk, I'm sure I would have felt differently but his weight actually became more attractive to me the more I got to know and like him because it was a "part" of who he was.

How many of the guys here who are frustrated about "striking out" have tried repeatedly to find the shy girl in the room ? I would have never had a date if I hadn't got drunk enough to get up the nerve to approach guys...they seldom approached me.
I was thin, well read and generally compassionate but I was invisible to most guys....and much to weird. Yet once guys I approached got to know me, I did develop some long term relationships. I was very "picky" as you can see from my "like list" but the guys I was most attracted to were not the same 5 guys that all the other girls were after.

One of the things I see repeatedly from guys on this site are the first description they give of the female they are "after" is that they are "hot"....and some jerk got to screw them. Why would you regret not sleeping with some one who had such low standards in picking a mate ? Dudes...you did not miss out on anything but a lot of drama, head games and inane conversation and probably a case of the clap. If some girl passes you up because she is afraid her friends wont think you are "cool enough", you have just saved yourself from screwing a sheep, (illegal in a few countries), count your blessings.

For the guy who sounds so bitter about the "hot chick" his roommate got to screw....why did you even want to date someone like that...she sounded horrid. You didn't mention one redeeming quality about her...she was just "hot" . While you were wasting your time with her just to have some eye candy...someone like me was crouching against a wall at a part silently observing people or scanning their bookshelves to find something interesting to read. Don't be afraid...approach me and tell me something
interesting trivia I may not know or may spend the next hour talking to you about.

(I have a BF, by the way, so I am not saying this to find a mate but because I really want to see aspies guys find a person to share their lives with and hopefully open your eyes to the aspies girls who ARE out there...statisticaly, are numbers are low but
better to look for the one then date the million who will just make you miserable.


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imipak
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02 Jun 2008, 11:57 pm

krex wrote:
How many of the guys here who are frustrated about "striking out" have tried repeatedly to find the shy girl in the room ? I would have never had a date if I hadn't got drunk enough to get up the nerve to approach guys...they seldom approached me.


Whilst I am certain you are correct in saying this is the method to use, it is a method I have tried, although perhaps not repeatedly enough. What has generally happened is I've ended up feeling even more rejected precisely because even the shy and unassuming find better conversation with a drink.



krex
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03 Jun 2008, 12:18 am

imipak wrote:
krex wrote:
How many of the guys here who are frustrated about "striking out" have tried repeatedly to find the shy girl in the room ? I would have never had a date if I hadn't got drunk enough to get up the nerve to approach guys...they seldom approached me.


Whilst I am certain you are correct in saying this is the method to use, it is a method I have tried, although perhaps not repeatedly enough. What has generally happened is I've ended up feeling even more rejected precisely because even the shy and unassuming find better conversation with a drink.


I'm not sure what you mean by..."find better conversation with a drink" . Can you explain this phrase for me ?


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03 Jun 2008, 12:51 am

aylissa wrote:
Be yourself.
.


Most aspies die alone. Should I be like most aspies



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03 Jun 2008, 1:44 am

I am not realy interested in the realy hot girls. Often I feel that some are just air heads, or are pretty on the outside and selfish on the inside. the girls I usualy like are the ones thatshy aswell, are good people and well i think the word is not realy bi#@$y. I see the shy girl that others ignore, but I cant even be friends with these girls because I have some level of attraction to them and I am afraid of insulting them.


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