Icebreakers to pick up Non-shallow women: Men return favor.

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Hi Male Asps:

I hope someone will return this favor and tell us good ice breakers to approach Asp Guys.

OK, I am Asp- the degree to which I cannot say. But I have a hard time also "knowing when to talk" to ask a guy out or to say- or even hint- that I am interested. I have faked doing it at times which was painful and unnatural. And I have said nothing which was painful and maddening.

For me, I am definately not shallow, very intense, and quite aspie when it comes to relations. So if I were, say, reading my Homer at Barnes and Nobel, I would be there in hopes of meeting someone or I would be reading him at home. The trick is to find out if she wants to be approached.

I would not mind at all if I were reading my Homer in public and some man actually sat down next to me and said something to the effect of Hello in Greek. Or if he sat down and said an actual quote from Homer. In other words, NOTHING LIKE AN NT GUY!! Something to show you are intelligent, non-shallow, and kind.

NT would say," Oh, you like to read?" Just a line to say anything banal based on the superficial. However, a non-shallow guy could come up with a good zinger that was deep enough to show that he was also NOT superficial. BINGO!

So, say you don't like Homer. You could mention another author- Herodotus, Thucydides, etc.....One that you like and mastered.

Now say I am reading and you are into computers. I may not be the woman you want to approach. Or you could somehow relate it if you just had to talk to me.

So find a woman who is actually doing something you find non-superficial and something you like. As she is actually doing it, go deep- say something you have mastered on the topic. You guys are great masters of what you are masters! Be kind and make eye contact if you can. Or if it's too hard, go get a copy of Homer, sit down next to me, hold it up to where I can see it and smile. I might get the point.

Once you approach us and we know you are not a madman, we then could fins out what you like and what you are interested in.

Of course, I can say this has almost NEVER happened to me. The only Asp's I have ever dated I have met through groups or specific dating oriented spheres. But that is what would make me want to get to know you more.


Other ideas: Hire a tutor in the subject you like. Screen them all until you find a woman.

Go to a university and find their "groups," like languages or computers or what you like. Not just a single lecture, but an actual group that meets regularly.

Of course, it can be the same thing- you go and no one talks to you and you can't talk to anyone. I am not trying to make this sound easy. But if I were in a Greek group and saw a quiet, intense guy that looked kind, I might say Hi.

I know there are a lot more that other girls can give on here. That is what I can think of. If I can think of more, I will add them.

Guys please do the same for us. Tell us how you would want us to approach you.

I prefer if women approach me are attractive and dreamy lookin and got good eye contact.

I also prefer that they act kind of dumb and don't talk too much i prefer to do most of the talking an they can just listen I HATE super talkative women its a turn off

I think a girl could say do you like my shoes or hair or somethin an thats fine an ill respond an be like yeah thats alright lets go out or osmethin

When it comes to finding a woman with similar interests, I am at a serious disadvantage. My main Aspie interest is computer games in the "first-person shooter" genre, something which hardly any women are into (NT or AS.) There are plenty of female Doctor Who fans, but most of them live in the UK and I'm in America.

Thank you, Sorenna, for trying to help Aspie guys. I would tell you how you could approach me, but since it's never happened to me before, I'm not quite sure... I'll have to think about this before I can give you a more definite answer.

I usually fall for girls who are a bit shy but have a lot of interesting opinions on a wide variety of subjects. I myself enjoy debating (long debates!) about politics and arts a lot. While I met some very nice girls with whom I could talk about arts for hours, it seems not easy to meet women who are into politics a lot, or at least I have not met many such girls.

I've always thought that I would like a girl to come up to me and say something surreal. Not drunk surreal, not homeless person surreal, just in a playful sort of way.

I thought this was going to be about gum, LoL

Other male Aspies prefer a woman who can challenge their minds- or its going to be a boring life/wife.

Hi Sorenna,

I think your expectations are rather specific. For example, you assume an interest in the Homeric epics implies an interest in the Greek language, but this isn't the case. You also assume we know that reading a Homeric epic at a bookstore implies openness to talk, but I think, for most people, the opposite is true. You also seem to have the attitude of grading men to see if they passed classical literature or philosophy class and expect to be whisked back to a magical world of term papers and musty tomes. A guy is unlikely to go out of his way to impress some random woman who's just sitting there reading; she hasn't caught his attention, and it's undignified to "prove" your intelligence to random strangers.

When I see a girl reading and I want to approach her, I usually just ask her what's she reading. It's better than trying to gawk between her hands to see the title of the book she's holding. Also, it's less invasive and presumptuous than showing off one's knowledge by saying something erudite in Greek or by quoting Homer. I might ask her how she likes it, and if I know anything about the book or the author, I might throw in my opinion. If the conversation falters and I am unable to recover it, I might just tell her it was nice talking to her and go. I haven't gotten any dates this way (I haven't gotten any dates), but I don't think there's anything shallow about a less presumptuous introduction.

This man in no way represents the male autistic community.

By the way, I don't know if this holds for other aspie guys, but approaching me isn't hard: just say hi. I'm usually pretty open to conversation and getting to know new people (since I really don't have any friends). I don't necessarily want a conversation about something I'm already familiar with; I enjoy becoming acquainted with new things sometimes.

When i see a women reading, i don't disturb her. Reading is a very closed attitude.

The way i would like to be approached is (aspieïshingly) simple: make it clear! Look at me, intensly, show a big smile, or do that (so cute) shy look. Second, don't judge my interest by my non-verbal attitude. Don't forget eye contact is difficult. If i don't start a conversation and look away BUT re-look back at you again, it means i need help Many womens looked at me and smiled, only to walk away after my body had said "no" without my consent lol!!

as a female i'd much prefer your approach... i've had guys approach me that assume i want to talk about politics and history and literature and whatever else that is suppposed to be deep and meaningful probably based on the fact that i'm quiet and "bookish" looking and wear glasses... i'm not interested in those topics and for them to give me that disappointed look because i didn't meet their expectations is pretty annoying... i'd rather talk to someone who isn't afraid to talk about themselves and find out about their life and interests and see if our senses of humour gel rather than them trying to prove their intellectualism to me and hiding behind academic knowledge... to me gaining knowledge from life experience and observations and being able to laugh at one self is so much more attractive than someone who spouts quotes and facts and buries their head in books all day long

Last edited by kerrissteen on 04 Sep 2008, 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well given my particular social difficulties the best approach would probably be to whack me upside the head with a billy club and then wheel me home on a gurney, but I would probably find a way to mess even that up.

All joking aside a direct approach is good but don't come on too strong. Aspie men can be averse to unexpected touching too, the best way women have been able to get my attention in the past is to walk up and say "Hi" or "Hello" loud enough that I can discern that I am the one being talked too. I can handle a direct icebreaker like that much better than sheepish overtures and all manner of batting of the eyelashes which I tend not to notice anyway (even if I am interested). When they get too invasive in my space all I want to do is get away, and it is way too much trouble when a simple word or too will suffice.

Having experienced some real life interactions with other aspies I also need to stress the importance of trying to learn to not go into auto-pilot mode when talking about your interest, or learn how to catch yourself in the middle of auto-pilot mode, especially if it isn't a shared interest. I don't think that any two aspies have to have shared interests to form any type of friendship but be careful about that, especially when first getting to know someone.

In the rare chance that I do actually run into a female aspie and I do become infatuated, then I reserve the right to scrap that last statement and stare at her with a goofy grin on my face, and a squishy feeling in the pit of my stomach while she talks all about her interests in great detail - as esoteric as they may be. But if I am only mildly interested or haven't decided yet then it has yet to do anything for me but turn me off on an individual who does that too often.

It's true that if someone could quote the book I was reading, I would be impressed. But I don't think the likelihood of that happening is very high. I once heard that hanging out in your favorite section of a bookstore was a great way to meet potentially like-minded people to date. But I'll be waiting a good long time in philosophy...

I think many of you guys are missing something.
Sorenna seems to be talking normal basic guy approach girl and girl gets the chance to accept or decline.
most girls are like this, they rarely ever approach the men (from what I seen).
Aspie men are build different yes, but the social norms remains basically the accepted same.

That's some burden of responsibility for the men. Makes me feel like I'm screwed.