I won't play the dating game.

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"Sick of the dating game"

It's interesting, ever since I was first exposed to the dating world I have refused to play the dating game. I think, stuff it! I wanted to make this a topic because I wanted to encourage anyone who felt the same way.

We are not breaking any laws by refusing to participate, so why should we if we don't want to?

I will make friends with the people I meet. If I start liking someone as more than a friend, then I will pursue them and try to gain their attention in any way I can. I do not care if the male is supposed to do this, or if I am supposed to stand around and look pretty until a male pays attention to *me*, and then respond to this attention even if I do not have the same feelings to start with. I won't do it, and I don't see why any woman should. Just like I don't see why any man should indulge the attentions of a woman he himself has not fallen for.

If I am rejected 9 times out of 10 then I will take this rejection without complaint, as this is how love works.

If I never succeed in gaining the attention of one I have fallen for, then I will accept that things didn't work out for me and live out the rest of my life alone. So be it.

What I don't understand is why even here, in the midst of other aspies, nobody else has gone "I'm sick of this, this is BS, I won't conform to it, and I will take my luck doing things my way, and if I fail then so be it."

The truth, as many here do know it, is that even if you do everything by the letter, and follow all the social NT conventions instead of being true to yourself, you can still fail. Why NOT take a chance and do things YOUR way?

What do you mean by the "dating game"? I'm confused. Actually, that seems to be a long-established state for me when it comes to relationships.

She means the dating game. You know, the flirty grab ass games men and women are supposed to play before they hook up. Read Tucker Max. That should give you an idea. I hate the dating game too. Let's face it; men who are good at playing these games are said to "have game" Men who suck at the dating game are said to have "poor game". Personally, playing the game hasn't worked out too well for me. If I can find someone who hates playing the game as well, then I know we have more in common than just a dislike for stupid games. People like that are out there; you just have to look for them. I'm much better at games like chess, you know, games that use logic and reasoning instead of macho/feminine BS.

Are you at school or finished? If you are still at school then it's highly unlikely you will encounter it until you leave school.

Pretty much there's this whole set of rituals that people are expected to follow. Some of which are as follows:

*Men will constantly be on the look out for attractive women/women they like or are interested in.

*The man will then approach that woman and ask her out on a "date".

*At this point the man and woman are still virtual strangers, or acquaintances at best.

*The woman is expected to say yes (even if she hasn't got strong romantic feelings for the man, generally she is only expected to say no if she doesn't like the man), and both know that the intention of the date is to possibly pursue a relationship together.

*They arrange a meeting, generally for lunch or dinner or a movie, at a prespecified time and place.

*They meet up, and spend the time discussing shared interests (still with the intention of having a possible relationship, even though they barely know each other). This feels awkward are wrong due to the context of the meeting.

*If they get along (even if they aren't in love with each other) they are expected to continue "dating" in order test out their compatibility with each other, and usually exchange kisses at the end of meetings.

*thus they are in a sexual relationship, even if they simply only like each other.

*love develops at a later date.

In the "dating" world, friendship is completely discounted, men have the main decision making power to select the women they want to date (as though women are varied items on display to catch the eye of men) - ever heard of a woman asking a man out on a date? It's uncommon, and people are expected to prostitute themselves out to people they like/have shared interests with - love being completely discounted.

If I decide to prostitute myself out to somebody, I will do it on my own terms and for the sake of physical pleasure - not in some farce of a relationship.

So many people in these relationships that spring up from dating still barely know each other, as in no point in the time they have spent together have they ever been simply friends.

Really? Nobody ever told me that.

Are you American? Is life really that scripted where you come from?

Then why do all the guys (who I got along with, but didn't have romantic feelings for) I've said no to (for reasons stated above) act like I've broken the rules? There's almost this universal display of concealed indignant outrage I've been copping all year. Like, because we got along and shared interests, I had no right to say no.

Yes, life in America really IS that scripted. It's quite sad really. I hate having to make all the decisions, do all the work, all that there. And yes, I agree with the OP, women are expected to say yes, very true indeed. Supposedly, since he "did all the work" he gets to make the decisions. I hate haivng to be the pursuer, it's so stupid. And since I'm a guy, I'm expected to ask her to "take it to the next level" after two or three dates or whatever. And if I don't ask, most women get mad, and lose interest. Women are just as bad as men when it comes to this kind of thing. Instead of rebelling against this, they go along with it. Same with the men, although it's harder to give up power than it is to take control. Apparently women in this country like being dominated, consciously or subconsciously. At least NT women anyways.

Thankyou Sir_Beefy!

I actually live in Australia, but it sounds like Aus and America are on the same page anyway. I agree, women do seem to be just as bad as men when it comes to this. I haven't experienced the whole "And if I don't ask, most women get mad, and lose interest" thing being a woman myself, but it's obvious it does happen otherwise men would not act the way they do towards me.

I hate being dominated (in this way). I hate being controlled. I loathe having my decisions made for me.

I think that everybody looking for a relationship should find someone they really like (beyond looks), and then take initiative and pursue them, regardless of gender. I don't think anyone should EVER feel like they have to pursue anyone because it's expected of them.

Lol! I'm 40 with two failed marriages behind me!

I'm in Scotland and as far as I know that kind of highly scripted dating game doesn't exist here. In fact, when I was at school all those years ago, I remember a lot of the boys being quite despondent about asking girls out only for the girl to say no. In fact, a boy in my art class asked me out and I said no. He was really horrible and his artwork was all really sexist imagery of scantily clad, improbably buxom women in provocative poses. Shudder.

I was curious because I've been going to a counsellor for a while now and it seems that other people often go into short term relationships, knowing that they will be short term, or only for sex. I wasn't aware of that, and I don't want to do that.

I don't know, I could only really describe what I have experienced. I agree about the short term thing - I can't bring myself to seriously consider entering a relationship that I know won't last.

I know I'm going to sound like a snotty professor type, but let's go back to what women and men view as love psychologically.

Men typically view love in the sense of sexual interaction with a woman. Now I know some guys are going to read this and say "Oh, that's not true of me at all", so let me put in this disclaimer that it is what psychology says, and in truth, it applies to almost all guys.

As I was saying men view sexual intercourse as "love". That's because, for what ever reason, we were physically/mentally programmed to become sexually attracted to physically attractive women. It is a male need (except for guys who are gay or celibate) that HAS to be filled in some way or another to be content and happy, otherwise, it drives a guy crazy with lust, and without any available outlet, he will do what he can to release such feelings, be it having many girl friends to surrond him, masturbation, or pornography, or perhaps any combination of the three.

Women typically view love in the sense of emotional connection with a guy, and the amount of time a guy spends with a girl. Girls tend to think of things emotionally, as opposed to sexually (although there are exceptions to this), and thus they look for personality characteristics as opposed to sexual ones. Girls may base their attraction partially on how a guy looks, but they are more interested in personality traits, like if he's "friendly, funny, likeable, kind, decent, charming" and etc. Girls are often suprised when a guy uses them for sex, because they can't understand why a guy would break that emotional connection she thought they had "established". In truth, it is just a guy fufilling his sexual needs, albeit through deception, but emotionally it doesn't make sense.
It also explains why girls are more willing to have sex with a guy if he hides behind saying something like "I want to show you how much I care about you", because it appeals to a female's emotional needs.


All this being said, now I will come to my point. Girls can thrive on emotional connection, be it will other girls, with guy friends, or boyfriends/husbands. You satisfy your emotional needs via this, and although being alone romantically does cross your mind, it is bearable and not as bad as what a guy feels sexually.

Now as for guys, if we aren't in a relationship for a long period of time, and our romantic needs aren't being met, we will go hungry. A guy who isn't being satisfied romantically (and I don't mean sex per se') is like a person who is starving and is looking around for anything to eat. They can't simply shrug off the feeling of hunger, it lingers in them, and they need to satisfy it in some manner or another because their body needs it. I think it is easier to "shrug" off love for a girl because you do have a degree of substinance. But for a guy, that hunger never dies, and we NEED our romantic needs filled. We simply can't help that we find some of you females sexually attractive to the point where it messes with our heads.

I kind of like the idea of being friends with a girl before pursuing them romantically, it makes me a whole ton more comfortable around them. I don't really mind dates, either, it makes the intentions obvious. I'm woefully inexperienced, though, so whatever.

Then what do you mean? I thought the whole point you were making was based on sex. If you're talking about emotional connection, then wouldn't the same argument apply that you can get that from friends (like you said women can)?

If a guy wants sex from a girl, then I think he should keep that seperate from relationships. It's two completely different things. I say, befriend the girl, and broach the possibility for friends with benefits if it seems they might be interested in the same thing.

At least this way he is being honest about what he wants.

I believe you should only pursue someone romantically if you're actually in love with that person. I believe, alongside perhaps having stronger physical needs, guys are as fully capable of emotional love as girls (from all my experiences and understandings and friendships) so I'll have to disagree with you on this one.

It's hard to imagine a man and a woman being friends and single and interested in all the same things EXCEPT sex, and why either of them would still be looking elsewhere for sex. I can't imagine at all what a "better elsewhere" would be.

It differs from case to case. I know several people, myself included, who have had romantic relationships which evolved from basic platonic friendships, not a complicated unspoken system of dating rules and regulations in which one party was trying to establish domination over the other. Unfortunately, many people get so caught up in theories of what is the correct way to go about doing things (such as the number of days a guy is supposed to wait before he calls a girl back, or the number of seconds you should make initial eye contact with someone you find attractive) that they never just stop to use common sense and realize that they should just do whatever they feel like, and not worry about some pre-established system of dating procedures.

As far as guys and sex goes- it seems that many American males (and females) in their teens and 20s now prefer one-night stands or hook-ups, as it allows for fast, easy sex without having to go through any of the preliminary motions first. However, the fact still remains that sex with a person you love (and who loves you as well) is infinitely better than sex in a one-night stand or hookup. But seeing as love is much more difficult to find than a quick emotionless hookup, many people unfortunately never get to experience the difference between the two.