Frustrated about my sexuality

Post Reply New Topic

Fellow Aspies, I need help. Lately and somewhat throughout my whole life I have always been questioning my sexuality. I've always felt sexually more attracted to guys than girls but am not sure how i feel emotionally. I just got out of a 4 month relationship with a girl who was extremely understanding of my aspergers but i didn't feel as emotionally attached to her as i would have liked. She was also like the tenth girl i've been with that i haven't felt an attachment to and i figure this has something to do with my stronger attraction to guys. However I don't know if that stronger attraction means I'm gay and actually want to spend my life with one guy or if it's something else. I know theres an aspect of asexuality involved but not sure where to place that either. Does anyone have any ideas or have any input that could help me out. It would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

As far as asexuality and bisexuality goes, there is a very wide variety of sexual preferences among the people on WP. I wouldn't think too much about any connection that AS may have with sexuality, there might be some vague connection but it doesn't necessarily make you not attracted to girls or attracted to guys.

Do your friends and family know that you're attracted to guys?

Well, have you tried being with a guy, and if so, how did that compare toyour relationships with women?

Just off the top of my head, I would say that the only way to really know if lacking that emotional connection you want is due to a gender preference, would be to date a few guys and see if that gives you the feeling of emotional fulfillment you're looking for. If not, then there's either one of two things going on. One would be that the chemistry with the folks you've dated thus far just hasn't been quite right. The other would be that maybe the emotional connection you feel just won't ever be quite that strong.

This latter happens to a lot of people who read romance novels or are romantic-comedy buffs apparently, because the genre helps them to build up somewhat unrealistic expectations as a result of the fact that characters in those stories have unrealistic experiences.

It's somewhat unlike watching sci-fi like Star Wars, where the events are so unrealistic that you can't really have an expectation of for example telekinetic powers. The experiences in romance novels and rom-coms are subtlely unrealistic -- they present people who are able to meet someone, fall in love at first sight and then immediately "just know" what each other are thinking or feeling. There aren't any really overtly unrealistic events taking place there because it's a subject people don't talk about much in casual conversation and because it doesn't involve anything that's "physically impossible". So it's easier for people to fall into a comfortable place where they have these sort of expectations of "a knight in shining armor" who shows up and sweeps them off their feet without a word being exchanged. But the reality is that real relationships take some work and lots of communication even in spite of the NTs ability to "read minds" via facial expressions and body language.

So that's basically my advice. Try dating a few guys, see how that goes, and if you're still finding it difficult to feel fulfilled then I would start researching general relationship advice and see if there are any disparities between your expectations and the advice being given.

One other thing I will say that I've read about relationships between gay men at least is that the dynamic is a bit different than it is with hetero couples. Specifically that gay couples seem to not like a relationship if it's particularly smooth. If they're not fighting at least some of the time (more often than hetero couples) they don't usually seem to enjoy the relationship much. I have no idea why that is -- it certainly doesn't appeal to me. But I thought I might give you the heads up before you get back into the dating pool so that you can prepare yourself for the possibility that a guy you're dating might just get bored with the relationship if you're not arguing much.

Get with some guys. That'll solve once and for all whether you like them at all, and later, whether you like them better.

I agree with others. The only way to find out would be to date some guys, if you haven't yet.

My uncle has a great saying. Women are great, but there is no substitute for the real thing (women)

What he means that women are great to hold, sex and protect... but in most cases they do not share your interest in fine beers, rebuilding cars, fighting, argueing about random s**t.

But there is a real simple test if you are confusing plutonic love with sexual love - if you get a boner when thinking of guys doing sexual things (or you to them) ..then yep. You love the cock.

Don't necessarily chalk up the inability to connect to sexuality. Yes, it might be an issue of sexuality, but it could well be AS that is making you feel disconnected. The obvious solution (if you are willing) is to try connecting to guys, and if you have the same problem with males, you'll know it's AS and not sexuality.

As per asexuality, you can be asexual but still able to fall in love. So even if you feel little or no physical attraction to either gender there is the potential for romantic feelings to come into play.

I think you need to experiment with guys. Part of the reason you may feel better emotionally with a girl could be because that's how society dictates that a "normal" relationship should be. Let's face it, there aren't that many gay romances depicted around, and you may also feel pressure from friends and family to follow in a boy-girl relationship.

I am gay yet I had a girlfriend until I was in my early twenties, I felt I would be letting my parents down if they knew I was attracted to guys. I am an only son and my dad is Italian. My girlfriend was a fantastic girl, and really gorgeous, but I realized it wasn't fair to her. We are still great friends.

Ultimately, you need to find out who you truly are and become that person. If that means you lose friends, let it be, they certainly weren't friends to begin with if they don't love you for who you truly are.

You have your whole life ahead of you, enjoy every moment of it, explore, go out and play!