"friends"

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I really liked Juile, but she just wanted to be friends.

I really liked Sherrie, but she just wanted to be friends.

I really liked Heather, but she just wanted to be friends.

I really liked Amy, but she just wanted to be friends.

I really liked Katie, but she just wanted to be friends.

I really liked Colleen, but she just wanted to be friends.

I really liked Vicki, but she just wanted to be friends.

I'm going to put a bullet in my head, we'll see how many of these "friends" show up at my funeral.

oh don't do that.

dont do that its not worth it, these "friends" arnt worth you killing yourself over.

KenM: Look. Aspergers can't read social signals, and that's why they crave sympathy all the time. If you go back and think, you'll probably realize that that's probably why the girls "only want to be friends". There are actually two "solutions" to your problem even though you seem to see only one. The second option is to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get yourself together. That will also make you more attractive between the women.

They'll probably come, but only if there's free food.

Those people probably fit the term 'enemy' more than they fit the term 'friend.'

I have had similar thoughts at times in th past when I faced rejection, but I realized that yeah, maybe people would feel bad and come to my funeral, but eventually memories of me would fade and would I really want to be remembered as the guy who off-ed himself to get attention from women? That may not be the way you want people to remember you, and I'm pretty sure you won't really be able to enjoy that kind of "revenge" anyway.

I look at that term "friends" used often mistakenly, when in reality the woman is thinking "I really don't want to have anything to do with you but it makes me feel better to think that I'm letting you down easy." Friends is just some generic term that's used, no matter what the intended relationship really is. But, you may go through many of these before you find a person that likes you and accepts you for who you are. And if you really want to know if they are a friend, then try to befriend them and don't worry so much about whether it leads to a physical relationship. Be patient and it can pay off. Personally, I take every friend I can get, male or female. But I agree with Kenjuudo, craving sympathy will not endear you to most women, it's just not what turns them on.

Good luck and remember that you are not alone!

KenM... one thing I've learned is that "losers" like us are never going to get much sympathy, since the rest of the world would rather just forget about us (except when they want a cheap laugh.) For what it's worth, you do have MY sympathy, but I don't think you should be wasting your emotions on these women... they don't feel any for you, so they are undeserving of yours.

My list is about twice as long as yours. I've often had that "nobody wants me" feeling. "I'm the one that no one wants". I finally decided that I'm worth more than what they had to offer they don't deserve me.

That anger you keep is not very appealing to other potential women. You have to make peace with yourself and move on. Be happy with who you are and have some confidence and that will attract people. You hurt yourself more than anyone else by hanging on to negative feelings. It's your choice, no one can make you change but that's the key to making things better. Sorry if this sounds mean but it's the truth.

But you won't be able to see them.
Get involved with something that DOES work for you. Be on the giving end as much as possible.

Ken, why don't you just shut your mouth? And why are you even here if life is so easy for you?

Hi KenM,

I believe that for someone to truly enjoy the romantic company of another they should be compatible with you (at least to the degree that the level of the relationship requires). No matter how compelling they may be, if they don't feel the same, by definition, they aren't right for you. Giving away your love to people who are not right for you uses up the vital energy you could be giving to those who are right for you.

The simple truth is that your love is too precious and important a thing to give it away to someone who can't, or won't give it back. So I say to you...I hope you find a woman who is just right for you.
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.

Look, I know how you feel... the only time women show interest in me is if they have math or science problems they need solved, or computers fixed. Hell, I even trademarked the term "Unlovable" to demonstrate how much love as a human being I actually get. But that's no reason to end your life prematurely. I'm assuming you have a decent career, no? All you have to do is set goals within that career to keep striving for. Right now, as a college student, my goal is to finish my bachelor's degree. Another thing I would recommend is finding a decent mainstream community or religious organization to join. Those types of organizations are generally more welcoming than the outside world... in my case, I'm active in my church (have been since the age of 5), and while I don't have any women from there (most people tend to leave after graduating high school and only returning once they're married with kids), that place is one of the few things right now that is keeping me going, mostly because they actually care about the fact that I exist...

I've been in a similar boat to Butterflair, and probably would be the same if I'd been hell-bent on relationships, but I never cared. Lots of women are, if they don't 'have the look,' or are not complying with social standards on their gender. I've been 'friend-zoned' about six times, and I'm truly glad I was. That way, my options have been whittled down to the best so far, the one who fits more than the others. None of the guys who complain on here about these things seem to see it in the same light. They friend zoned you because it didn't work, and you're going to have to find a sort of true 'soul mate'. Unless, of course, you just want a quick f**k, in which case there are always escorts. Don't expect women to put out for your selfish desires, guys.

Also...



Harsh as this is, I also agree.

I don't try to be harsh and english is only my secondary language. Also, I don't want to bring anybody down, but rather the opposite.

What I do try to do, though, is to express myself as clearly as possible so that no ambiguities appear as to what I actually have to say. This is exactly what we feel we are missing from NTs - Clear and straight answers. Of course, my comments may seem cold and insensible, but that is the nature of clear speak.

Please forgive me for trying to give advices. On command, I can quit.

Oh, I didn't think it was harsh, personally, but someone who's already overly sensitive to the problem might think so. There's an unfortunate reaction that occurs when someone is self-focused and is called selfish in any way, shape or form, which, of course, usually illustrates the point, but also makes it apparent how much any criticism stings.

I'm hoping that made sense.

I had ADHD issues and some vague AS traits (terrible gross motor skills, toe-walking as a child, obsessions--these apparently can be chalked up to the former, however), but I haven't really had social problems aside from impulsiveness, so I know what you're talking about with NT communication.

So, from the perspective of a woman who 'gets' NT communication, and can't help it herself, it's not easy to be direct in the way I'm learning many with AS want it to be. I get confused when my jokes and nuances aren't understood. It's confusing and, though I had to admit it, infuriating at times.

I'd also like to point out something that occurred to me in another thread (where I also stated as much), which is, I have known, and been known to, tell a guy I just want to be friends in order to see how far he takes it, or to see what reaction he'll make. A guy who won't take 'friends' for an answer will often make it known...at least in my mind, that's how it works. Has no one here heard of 'playing hard to get'? It's a natural woman response, as far as I've ever known. I've been doing it from a very young age naturally.

These are all things to bear in mind in communication with people. I know it's hard that it's not direct, but where most NTs lack the ability to sit down and program any sort of computer, they work social situations like complex games of chess. Or maybe not, but I know I do, and I gain satisfaction from it. I can't help it in much the same way a person with AS can't help their deficits. A large part of the reason I'm here is to learn how to better communicate with those who don't know the rules of social chess, as it were.

Last edited by Orbyss on 16 Mar 2009, 4:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No. Not for someone like "KenM," particularly in his current mood. Joined WP in Oct 2005, age 40, positively diagnosed with Asperger's, probably at a later age... no -- games like that are probably not helpful. Better to take the woman's "No" at face value and, if something changes, try again a few months later.

Yes, studying human interactions and motivations as a system can be helpful. The chess game is one way of looking at it. Another approach would be to study psychology, anthropology, sociology... That approach is limited, because we need to calculate when others can act on impulse or instinct. In many situations it works. In some delicate situations it does not, because the extra fraction of a second you need to calculate can ruin the whole thing. The perfectly correct response can come over as calculated, insincere or even sarcastic if the timing is off. Anyway, I would imagine that KenM has already heard suggestions like that.

He's right.

Ken I'm in the same boat, 19 never been in a relationship and it hurts being the "adorable" awkward friend, that really is not all that great of a friend. I feel like I will be alone forever, but hey man you're 40, so just make some money and just let things happen.