Saying "I Love You"

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To me, "I love you." is a very powerful sentence, and should not be used lightly. I've never said it toward members of my family, because I've never really felt "love" for them. They are my family and I would do nearly anything for them...
I have said to my girlfriend that I love her, on numerous occasions. But usually in response to her saying she loves me. I generally don't say it without prompting because saying I love you, is almost the same as striping naked in front of people...I'm baring my emotional core to my girlfriend, and such openness is very unsettling. But I do it because I want her to know I care, and I care very much.

In public I tend to walk around with "shields" up, I often were reflective glasses to hide my eyes, I'm a very private person when I'm alone in public. But with my girlfriend I try to be as open as I can, and I usually succeed

GA

I say it to family because I'm used to doing so. Anyone else would be really awkward feeling, unless I knew the person for at least a year or two in a really personal way (I'd have to really love the person). But saying it back, with no warning or planning in advance, would be hard. My emotions are locked up in a room deep inside my mind and tightly locked up, I can't just bring them out because someone said "I love you" to me. If I get emotional, it'll be for more than two seconds. Having said that, saying "I love you" back would be with no emotional backing, which in terms of what a significant other would expect, it'd be a lie. So saying it back to a girlfriend with no emotion would feel like lying, so I'd be better off not saying it back. At least, morally better off. My conscious would haunt me for a lie like that. ...All this from a guy who's never dated.

I never say it to anyone because nobody ever deserves to hear it. I do say "Don't don't don't don't don't don't," though, don't I?

As an adult female w/AS who has only been in relationships w/male NT's, this is tough for me to admit. All my life I've been dependent, so it's hard to know if I "want" someone, because I "need" someone. Never been able to meet my own needs, only partly able to get help from others. Makes it unclear to me if I "love" a person. My low self-esteem clouds ability to be more positive & even-handed in assessing my worthiness & how I judge my emotional attachments.
Constantly berating myself for all the things I'm useless at, but my counselors try to convince me that I'm functional in less obvious ways. Feel guilty at not contributing enough, being a taker instead of a giver. Good things about me are more the bad things I don't do, "passive virtues" I call them.
Can easily say I love my cat, because she doesn't expect my words to mean anything. Eventually, I get into habit of saying the words to my partner-phrase continues to bother me, but less so. Worry I'm lying, whenever I say anything. More so when important & serious, so it's inherently a "loaded" statement. I've substituted other similar words, like "care for" and "appreciate" or "lust for", to try to navigate/delineate between my mentality & being considerate/expressive.

Tracy - one example: when you gave your boyfriend a hand-knitted scarf you'd made him, and he bluntly said "don't need this, try again," and then later came up to you and hugged you -- that was him showing you he loves you. (Especially since he generally doesn't like to be touched, as you mentioned in one of your posts).

I understand what you're saying ... I've often thought my bf's view of his own self-worth plays into his difficulty with emotional disclosure. But like other people have said, love is a very complicated, variable and encompassing emotion. If you are uncertain of what it is, it would be hard to express, especially given the AS penchant for honesty. I think it certainly includes feelings of needing another person, appreciation of them and how they care for you, enjoying their company, trust, goodwill etc etc etc. Emotional connections with people are high on the list of things many NTs (esp. women?) value, so it's a cause of great confusion and often pain for us. We're wired to want it.

I also believe that everyone wants and needs love and understanding from their fellow human beings. Hate to see people give up on the possibility of finding it -- it's not easy for anyone, I don't think.

One hug from an Aspie is worth 10 from an NT! My new motto.


My bf seems to be an animal adept -- they are drawn to him and he clearly loves them. Seeing him with my pets was just heartwarming -- so kind and gentle; there was clearly a sense of unspoken communication between him and my cat. I'd love for him to have a kitty.

My aspie husband hasn't said he loves me in a very long time, we have been married 24 years. And there was a time in our marriage where things were rough.

But every morning I wake up to find him hugging me, that to me shows that he loves me. So he may not tell me but he does show it. I am crippled with osteo authritus and when I have a bad day he looks after me with no complaint. He also buys me stuffed bears, (for him or me?) I say for me, he gives them to me and says "I saw this and thought you may like him, and his cute." So words aren't necessary, but actions are better.

So yes when your bf hugs you his telling you that he loves you and that you are very special to him.

You know, it sucks to be behind either side of the wall. I'm glad I'm not the only Aspie who's like this- I thought it was my PTSD that was doing it, though. Probably both, actually.

Funny, given what me and my girlfriend talkedd about tonight.

Rewind to a few days into our relationship. We both agreed that saying "I love you" or being told that is kinda unnerving/bad to say in a relationship.

Fast forward a month and a half later (tonight), I was talking about a trait of hers and said it as "That's what I love about you. Yes, I said love," which then led to the admittance that we had both had this feeling for nearly a month! We both were afraid to say it because it might put off the other, ending things abrubtly.

Also, I probed a bit and am starting to REALLY think she's AS to some extent.

When I was in love,I was uncomfortable and saying that to that person(even though I meant it)was uncomfortable.



-SpaceCase

I just don't understand why so many NT's say "I love you" to people they barely know...

Ditto. I never say "I love you" unless I'm absolutely sure that I mean it and it makes me really uncomfortable when someone I've known for a couple of weeks suddenly says "I love you" and expects me to reply with the same sentence. As others have said, love is a very strong word.

Yeah, and what really sucks is that I used to believe that those sort of people really meant it!

For the record, it makes me very uncomfortable too, so it's not all NTs who do this.

It gives me such a deep pleasure when I have the opportunity to say things like "I love you", "you're really wonderful", "you're such a great friend", "I think you're beautiful" etc. and mean them -- far too much to spoil that pleasure by saying them and not meaning them. Ever.

I don't say it unless I mean it, but when I'm with someone I love, I often feel it. I don't say it every time it crosses my mind though.

I will say it facetiously to friends sometimes, especially one in particualr (female, and she KNOWS I'm just being obnoxious). It's just hard to say when I DO mean it. It's heavy.