My counselor at school agrees I need to learn to be social

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I talked to her today, describing how confused I am by people...like how it took me until 2nd grade to figure out other kids played with each other after school, or how I never understood little girls gossiping about boys they like, and how I can open a conversation sometimes but then run out of ideas and have to let the other person carry it.

She actually agreed that it seemed like something was missing, like I had never been taught how to do these things and need to catch up. But I figured NT folks just know how to? Because she thinks I can't be on the spectrum because I'm too connected with people and care a lot about them. She told me it's probably more like social phobia. But I'm not really afraid of people, I'm just afraid of screwing up my interactions with them, and sometimes crowds and yelling really unnerve me.

Is it possible to need to learn these things, and not be on the spectrum?

Yes, social anxiety may be one cause. Social anxiety affects how an individual views social interactions and may inhibit or prevent a person from engaging socially and, therefore, prevent the person from learning and practicing social skills.

I feel like I've done a lot of practicing, since I go to parties and other events sort of as daring myself to get better at it, and I also have worked as a door-to-door canvasser every election cycle since 2005. And I still mess things up! I wound up upsetting my roommate because I tried so hard to be friendly and caring, when she needed space, but I couldn't get the hint. I've told my counselor about canvassing and going to parties, but she thinks I have phobia, and she seems pretty experienced with young people. My problem is mostly not knowing things, and I was wondering if there could be other reasons for not knowing besides autism. Thanks.

Am I understanding you correctly?... are you saying that this counselor thinks you can't be on the spectrum because you care a lot about others?... and what does she mean by saying you're "too connected" with them?

Don't be so quick to toss out the consideration of being on the spectrum by those attributes mentioned. If you do the research, you will discover that there are many, many people who are on the spectrum that were told by "experts" they were not. I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying don't be so quick to believe everything you hear.

Don't forget... you have a phobia for a reason. What that reason is is something only you can finally answer after you've explored all the possibilities of what it might be.

From what I've read, it's not uncommon especially for women on the spectrum to care about people and to want to connect to them, and it can be very painful to not know how to do it and find oneself alone as a result. So I wouldn't assume that you're not on the spectrum. Most counselors who are not familiar with AS are not able to determine if someone is ASD or not.

NTs who have social phobias can become social if they can learn to get past their fear, because their natural ability to relate with people will kick in once they feel comfortable enough, but those of us who are on the spectrum can't just get over our fear, we need to learn actual social skills.

Two comments:

1. I have always thought that one of the biggest misconceptions about ASDs is that there is no empathy or connection with others. If someone is ASD, they may have theory of mind deficits that inhibit their understanding of people. They may have obsessive interests that override other thoughts and actions. They may live in their heads. These characteristics appear to an NT to evidence a lack of empathy and interpersonal connection because the NT is not seeing the expected interpersonal responses. This does not mean that the ASD person is not empathizing or connecting with another person.

2. Regarding social phobia, I was first diagnosed with anxiety. After overcoming the anxiety (it took years) I still had the same problems. It became clear that the anxiety was a result of a lifetime of experiences that resulted from underlying social deficits. I disagree a bit on your use of the phrase "learn actual social skills," because for me it was more important to (i) accept my social limitations and (ii) develop appropriate coping mechanisms to get me through social situations. What I would classify as "social skills" was a third area of development that would have been frustrating without (i) and (ii).

Thank you for that insight. This is something that I need to work on in my own life and you helped me see it in the right perspective.

Regarding the orignal context of this thread, all through elementary school my teachers reported the same things: that I seemed to have social deficits that affected my ability to participate in class or interact with my peers.

In the fourth grade, I was referred to a psychiatrist - partially because a teacher thought I was in the coatroom crying. Actually my allergies were getting the best of me. But they thought it was all related, somehow.

The thought of me being "crazy" spooked me. One of the few kids at school that I did talk to told me it was no big deal - that the shrink would ask me a bunch o' dumb questions. I went and answered his questions and he sent me on my merry way without so much as a prescription after talking to my folks. I do not remember specifically what he asked me, but I do remember one of my answers having to do with chocolate cake.

I do remember saying to myself that nobody's going to help me (with the way I feel). and nobody will believe a kid who comes from a "good" home. I remember having a sense of IMPENDING DOOM.

Well, anyway, my social skills never did get any better at that point. It wasn't until I got into high school that I began to see a glimmer of hope, but I knew that I was still defective and that I had some things I didn't know how to get over. College was like a regression in a lot of instances, but I eventually stabilzed somewhat as an adult.

However, I have had one big problem with a career...all because of social skills, or the lack thereof at the level of apparent symptoms which affect my ability to relate to the world around me.

Recovery is a big help and I know lots of people in recovery, but the underlying issue - which has followed me from childhood is still there regardless of how I've tried to adapt.

Last edited by Surreal on 16 Apr 2010, 2:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Acting lessons?

Although it has already been pointed out, I feel the need to repeat it. Just because a person cares about people and is "connected" to them does not mean they can not have an ASD. It is a misconception that people with ASDs can not care or be close to anyone. (Women and men on the spectrum are capable of caring about people. An autistic person is not the same as a sociopath.)

You should see someone who specializes in ASDs to determine whether or not you have one. Even if you do have one, you may still have a social phobia; however, whether or not you have an ASD is important in how it is dealt with.

My counselor gave me some recommendations for doctors, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to do much of anything about it until I graduate in a few weeks. I really enjoy my classwork, but my commute and paying good attention in class while having to attend to my computer and other students too is extremely stressful. It absolutely makes my problems with spacing out, anxiety, and social withdrawal worse, but I want to graduate really badly, I'm almost about willing to live in the school library if I had to. I'm not even kidding.

Re: social phobia.

A phobia is an irrational fear. If you are fearful because you don't understand people and have suffered many rejections, then that is a legitimate fear.

That said, I do think you can learn to improve social skills, and ways to lessen your anxiety when you're faced with social situations.

Well, I'm taking acting classes now, and I'm actually a lot better at it than I thought, because it's a lot like the solitary games and plotlines I would play out as a child, where I would invent characters and carry out their stories. It also isn't too scary, despite the social phobia theory of my therapist. It seems like this class will mostly help me to display emotion better and get my thoughts across better to others.

Toastmasters.

It is interesting to me that I have a relatively easy time getting into my character's skin, but I have a lot of trouble improvising with other actors, or looking out at the audience or other actors. I'm not as afraid of looking foolish as some of my classmates, but I never have too clear of an idea of how what I'm doing is coming across until I am told so. I think this is very helpful in picking out what exactly are my blindspots. It seems like my anxiety is a separate issue.