What friendship means for NTs...

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I've just realized - again - that friendship means something completely different for NTs than what it means for me.

For me, friendship is something really very special: a friend is someone you can trust your deepest thoughts, your deepest secrets. Your friend will not just listen to you, but she will feel what you want to tell but you can't. I friend is not for helping you to get out of the hole, but to grab your hand before you would fall into that pit. And a friend allows you to do the same for her, trusting you her deepest thoughts. A friend is much more than a lover or partner. There are things you can only share with your true friend. I've long found out, that finding a real friend - especially for an aspie - is much harder than finding love. Perhaps you can't even find a friend in a lifetime.

But as it seems, for NTs friendship means much less: for them a friend is only someone they can hang around with, if THEY want to do that. For them a friend is someone they can complain to, but they don't want to hear about the problems of their friend. For them, friends are only good until they can have some benefit from them - emotionally, socially or any other way. They don't want to share their deepest thoughts, they just want to tell them, and want you to feel sorry for them, if they are sad.

The problem is, when an NT and an AS meets. An aspie (or at least, me) tries to build a strong emotional connection from the very first moment he feels that there's a potential friend on the other side. The NT however only sees the poor guy as another bloke she can chit-chat with. Someone who cheers her up, if she's sad, or someone who compliments her new hairstyle in the morning. Nothing more. Just a kind-o-mat.

The aspie wants more and more and more - trying to get as much out of the "friendship" as possible, because the aspie knows that it may not last too long - it never did before.

The NT wants constantly the same - nothing more, nothing less.. Just a standard level of NT friendship, please...

Suddenly the aspie finds out, that this friendship was just an illusion - again -, there are no miracles. He was fooled again, he had the false thought again, that there must be real friendships out there. But no, he was just being used again.

"Get yourself an aspie! Fantastic listeners, real deep emotions for a dime per day! No modern household can survive without an aspie or two, get yours now! For only $19.99, limited time offer!"

I wonder if this is why I have 2 classes
of humans: Real and Plastic.

If someone needs a description I will
do my best to describe/define the terms.

I think your description of NT friendship is as false as saying that Aspies don't have any emotions or empathy.NT's just have another way of seeing friendship than we do. We want NT's to accept us,but we should accept NT's too!

NTs do have such close friends as you describe, and they do mean a lot to us. But forming such an intimate friendship is not easy at all. As an adult, it gets even more difficult, since many people form the basis for such friendships when they are kids or teenagers. So it takes a long time (may take years and years) for the friendship to develop towards what you're describing as the ideal. This just cannot be rushed - if you try to rush or push forward to quickly, you may drive people away. Personally, I have just one or maybe two such friends. But friendships come in various circles. Some friends are more peripheral, we just hang out now and again for a beer or something, talking about everyday things. Don't give up looking for that special, close friend. It may take time, but it does take time to find the right person.

I think it's easier for NTs to make friends than it is for us Aspies. My sister, for example, is an NT, and she always had an easier time making friends than I did. Plus, people were mean to me in school, and I couldn't handle it. I don't know how many times I came home crying. I also didn't know I had Asperger's. My sister, on the other hand, could handle herself better. She never let anyone bother her. I think maybe NTs know how to handle situations better than we do, not that I'm defending them, or anything. However, I will agree that it is harder for people with AS to make friends than it is for NTs. In fact, I think it's harder to find friends than it is to find a boyfriend or girlfriend, especially for people like us. It took me a long time to find a boyfriend, and I still have trouble finding friends. I had a few friends, but they either moved away, or got married and had families, or something. NTs also seem to move on quicker with their lives than we do. But, like I said, I didn't know I had AS. I also didn't know that people were classified in such a manner: Those who had AS, and those who did not.
Anyway, my point is that NTs just seem to have an easier time making friends than we do.

"Do I have to pretend that I'm "holding it together" and joke around to make friends? People simply won't accept the real me? This just fuels my hatred. I don't want anything to do with people who don't accept me for what I am, yet that's 90% of people it seems."

I am an NT, and I too know how difficult it is to find true, meaningful friendships--especially as we get older. People's lives seem to get busier and busier and it's hard to make a connection on more than a superficial level. I think this is probably a universal issue. And I agree with you that people should accept us for who we are.

However, I did want to offer another facet to this discussion. While I personally don't expect all of my friend's lives to be rosy and cheerful, and I'm with them through good and bad, it's also very emotionally draining to be around someone who is always down. This is in no way a criticism of you or anyone who has depression. I know what it is like to be depressed, and chronic depression is a serious and debilitating illness. My heart goes out to you. I can only speak for myself, but over the years I've found it difficult to maintain friendships with people that are consistently negative or down. It's probably because these folks tend to want me to entertain them or bring the up, and that's just too exhausting for me.

I can only imagine how difficult that must be for you and if you are clinically depressed, I hope you are able to find some medications to help alleviate your symptoms and perhaps open the doors to new friendships.

Best of luck and be well

I feel that NTs certainly have close friends in the same way we would describe close friends.

But they also seem to use the word "friend" a lot more loosely. My brother talks about friends he has, who he really does nothing more than has beers with. These would be "drinking buddies" or "acquaintances" in my opinion. I reserve the word "friend" for people who know me and whom I've shared very personal conversations with. Also that needs to be on a continual basis of some sort. If I've had no contact with someone in months, I tend to disregard him/her as a friend.

In my opinion, a friend is someone who puts your interests before theirs. I hang out with a bunch of NT boys, I don't really have many female friends (but I do have two close female friends, also NT). Me and the guys just like to hang out and talk about things like computer games, they don't have a clue that I have Aspergers though. The girls know and understand, I connect with them on a emotional level. When I'm around the guys I try to act as normal as possible which can be difficult sometimes. They are just people I hang out with, we don't have deep and meaningful conversations! My sisters, who are popular at school and both NT, get along with anyone. I get jealous sometimes because they make friends so easily compared to me. They have friends they have made since they were 7 years old. I believe it does take a long time to form a good friendship, the kind of friendship where you talk about anything openly without them getting weirded out. I value friendship very much because it is a rare thing for me