Unfair comparisons

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I kept to myself most of the time during those early years and now I have tried to sociallize, more, but I can't handle more than one or two people at a time, it does not work and I think I have gotten worse at dealing with people.

My roomate always says you can adjust to what you want if you cant adjust to us that means you do not want to and need to find another place to be. Boy did that hurt.

My fav color is purple. Her example was

if you get a pajama set thats purple with flowers you are ok with it
if its purple with a batman symbol you would be ok with it too
and if it was purple with swils you would adjust to it
if you cant adjust to being polite and considerate then you dont want to.

I think its unfair because

I love curves and swirls
I love purple
I love batman
I love flowers

You cant say you love what you love so if you dont love what you dont love then you chose not to love it.

Or did I misunderstand her?

She wasn't really getting it. People on or off the spectrum should try to be basically polite and civil with one another. However, that doesn't mean you have to fawn over people you are not comfortable with, or spend a lot of time with them. Also, we are not good at fitting in. It's not a choice issue. We don't read social cues good, and tend to have mental processing delays in both inputting and outputting info. We are not good at "faking" normal behavior.

I am not comfortable in social situations, so I limit them. I am an introvert. Introversion itself is not a defect or mental illness, although some mentally ill people are introverts. My introversion is not a mental illness. I don't mind being in my own head, and being mostly by myself. There was a time when I was young, when I would have liked spending more time with others, but they made it clear that I was not welcome. I had to choose between getting to be okay with being a loner, or going crazy because of it. I chose to become okay with it. I am no great person, but I am no ogre, either. I had to become my own best friend. I am no prize in that department, but I am a better friend to me than any other people ever were.

I try to be polite and civil when dealing with other people, but I am under no obligation to join a herd that doesn't want me. I also don't like much about many of the members of the herd. I am not into drinking, drugs, gambling, and wild parties, so what would I do with these people. I don't like the modern way of dressing, either. Trousers should be on the waist, not falling off the hips and showing the butt. News Flash! I don't want to see your butt! Dresses and skirts should come down to or below the knee, and the neck line should not be letting the boobs hang out. Short hem and letting the boobs hang out looks slu*ty. I don't want to see your crotch or boobs, either. So, I don't have anything much in common with the younger adults. I also don't have much in common with folks my own age. Never married, no relationships, and no kids. Had spotty work history due to Asperger's and other health problems. Now on Social Security. What would I talk about with people my own age? There is no way I can fit in, as there is no real point of commonality, so I accept my less than perfect reality, and just do my own thing. At least I don't have to deal much with artificial limits set by the herd any more, as I now live alone. My health problems cause me to have an irregular sleep/wake time. Therefore it is best to eat at times that make sense based on how hungry I am, not on what time it is. When I lived with relatives they didn't like me eating at times that were right for me, but not the "normal" times to eat, even though I prepared my own meals. It got to the point where I would eat in my room, so I wouldn't have to face them, and their complaints. I never want to live with any one again! It was SO STRESSFUL!! !

Never mind about "fitting in" with the herd. In the first place it isn't really possible for those on the spectrum to manage it. In the second place most of the herd doesn't give a hoot for outsiders anyway, so you don't owe them the effort to "fake" normal herd behavior. Just be civil and polite. If someone is willing to be friendly, then you can take it to the next level.

A person's favortie color for pajamas is such a trivial matter that it makes a truly idiotic analogy for any subject of importance.

So I. for one, cant figure out what the heck your roomate was talking about.

So I dont blame you for not knowing what the heck she's talking about.

Lol.

Sounds like the two of you need a third party ( like a marriage counsuler) to facilitate communication between you two!

But Ill take a stab at the issue with my own analogy- see if hits the mark or not.

Since you're on the spectrum you're hobbled in social skills and maybe even in noticing what housekeeping chores need to be done- in ways that an nt would not be hobbled. Its like you have a club foot and cant walk as well as most folks. Maybe ( im guessing).

She doesnt understand that you have a club foot and that walking the same distance takes more effort for you than for her. So shes not sensitve to the greater effort you have to make. So she thinks the fact that you gripe about how far you have to walk to school each day indicates that you're not commited to getting an education when in fact you are commited ( commuting to school or work might be a better analogy than pajamas).

Or maybe she has a point. I dont know the situation. Even with your metaphorical club foot maybe you could make a greater effort, and maybe you do need reasses your priorities.

I couldnt say. But its about cost vs benifits not about some trivial preference in sleepwear. Maybe you have to exert more effort to do the same things that others find easy-on one hand.
But maybe on the other she might have a point. Dont know your situation, and from your roomates klutzy analogy-im not absolutely sure what her point is.

Her chief complaint is that I "cut her off" a lot and that I should know by now what NOT to do. But you see if I say NOTHING, then im being broody, if I have poor eye-contact, im ignoring her, if I try to be proactive on a conversation, I am not waiting for her to "finish"and therefore "cutting her off" if I ask are you done? So i know when to or not to interject, I am being rude.

I am running out of options here.

That same thing happened to me freshman year of college. Funny part is, I felt guilty for doing it until I realized she isn't perfect either. To judge harshly, one has to be darn near perfect themselves ( which she believes of herself, though I don't). Once I realized her hypocrisy, I stopped caring so much. Now I'm waiting to call her out on her own actions, though I think she never will bring it up again since we are not as close (go figure). At least I think I am a bit stronger now, so I know how to explain that it is wrong to only get mad at me, but to think of her actions as perfect.

For example, I used to drink. She didn't like drinking when we would go out; it was because of her dad being an alcoholic. Now she drinks. Funny part is, she told me that I became a better person after I stopped drinking, but said she doesnt mean I was a bad person before. How hypocritical. She can do the same, and still judge me. I've been hypocritical at times, but I'm trying to become more aware of it.

Anyways, have you ever gotten mad at her for anything? Does anything she does annoy you? I feel like NTs expect conflict, so if you're not creating any, its your fault for not standing your ground. If that makes any sense...

Hmm I run into things like this with people......I mean with cutting people off its more I have something to say then my brain takes a while to process it and I start once the thought completes and sometimes it does not quite register I would be interupting until I start talking....If I catch it I usually stop and tell the other person to continue but I probably don't always catch it...but uhhh, its not like I am trying to be rude but of course some people take it that way.

As for eye contact, uhh do they want me to listen to what they are saying or look them in the eyes, because both is kind of hard....also if its someone I don't know well then eye contact is very uncomfortable and anxiety provoking on top of being generally distracting.

So I would try explaining it, and if she refuses to acknowledge you have difficulties with these things.......I would just try and not let it get to you to much and remember she doesn't understand and if you explain but that does not help then she's being ignorant...so it would be her not you with the problem. I realize that can be easier said than done though, I get upset about people misunderstanding me to.

Yeah I do have a lot of trouble understanding what people say if I look at them in the eye and today we had a nother short tiff. I was helping her with homework and asked her to tell me what she needed. She did, but it not registered to me that she was done explaining it and that I was confused by it until she was through, so I asked her to explain it again. She said how much she hated repeating herself. I told her I wanted to help her well how could I do that if I didn't get it? She said the reason I did not get it was because I was not looking at her mouth and that I should have stopped her before she was through if I was confused.

So I am like, wait a minute, didnt you complain to me two days ago about cutting you off? o,0 I didn't say anything to her because I was so bewildered I did not understand her stance at all.

I live in a state of general frustration these days. I cant talk, I cant do homework.

Funny enough I get the most pleasure out of playing war of the immortals and washing dirty dishes.

Wow, maybe tell her its more distracting to do that......I know I would not be able to pay attention to what's being said if I was trying to look at their eyes or mouth. But is there any way to maybe more or less avoid her, I mean if she's going to constantly criticize everything you do I don't see why you would even want to be helping her with homework in the first place. Not to mention its kind of concerning someone who's just you're room-mate thinks they are in a position to tell you how to act or be I mean its not even good if friends or family give you hell for every flaw they think you have let alone a room mate.

I mean is there anything good about the two of you being room-mates, and do you ever get along? if not I would maybe look into getting a different one though I am assuming we are talking a college dorm, if not I'm not exactly sure what I'd recommend. But yeah I hate to say it, but its looking to me like shes trying to be a bully I mean it seems odd your room-mate would have such a pre-occupation with your flaws but I can't say that for sure.

Our association is a really long story. Moreover, we have known each other for 9 years. I think she is getting tired of me "not changing".