How not to be annoying - is it even possible?

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I came across this great wiki how article about how not to be annoying to others:

http://www.wikihow.com/Not-Be-Annoying

then, at the bottom, in the Warnings section, it says:

Some people who have ADHD, ADD or Aspergers can be annoying, but it is simply the way that their brain is programmed. While some with these improve their social skills slightly over time, it is impossible for others. Don't criticize them or make fun; be a friend and show you care.

So, for the love of irony, how do you not be annoying if you are one of those people who cannot make the requisite re-wiring in their brain? Because then there is this article (http://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-You-Are-Irritating) which says:

if a person doesn't respond to what you just said, and starts talking about something else, it's a pretty clear sign, that they find you somewhat irritating.

well no. I do this all the time - derail the conversation (yes, I am irritating as hell, you wouldn't want to meet me in person), but that's not because I find the other person irritating - it's because *I* am irritating.

Yes and no. Everyone does things that will annoy others and everyone is annoyed by different things. We can't please everyone. Lot of things listed in the article are things that aren't hard to stop. Really? How hard is it to not go through peoples things or not correct someone or not put your hand on someone or not peek down peoples shirts (who does this?) or not tell people their beliefs are wrong or staying away from someone if they are having a bad day?

Exceptionally hard when you have to remind yourself of it every time because it's not something natural.
To you it is clearly well ingrained not to do those things and you can afford to relax in good knowledge that these are correct behaviours and you are at ease following these rules.

I have been in at least one situation for each example you have given where I had a mini mental breakdown over whether to do the thing or not do the thing:
e.g.
not go through people's things: You are in the office you share with co-workers. One of them is not in that day and your boss asks you for something they are dealing with. You have to go and interfere with their things without their permission or lie to your boss that you couldn't find it. I have actually try to just be honest on million occasions and say that I am not comfortable with touching other people's things without their permission but people just look at you as if you are deranged because clearly there are unwritten rules for when it's OK to touch someone's stuff and when it isn't. I am aware of some of them but not all - because I am not aware of the underlying rule.

not correct someone People correct me all the time. I am not a native English speaker and sometimes there are words I am familiar with only in print - I've never heard them spoken and then I mis-pronounce them when I speak them and people correct me. Usually with a derisive snort.

not put your hand on someone people do this - work colleagues have done this to me several times - they would put their hand on my back - it is meant to be a protective/comforting gesture. I sometimes touch the arm of the person I speak to when the conversation is being particularly enjoyable or if we are joking however this is a left over from growing up in a very touchy-feely culture and I know it would be better not to do it at all, but sometimes I forget myself.

not peek down peoples shirts (who does this?)
Mostly men, but I have found myself involuntarily staring at a very explicit cleavage once or twice. I think that in those occasions, saying to the person "put those things away" should be acceptable. It really annoys me when women put their breasts out on display and then act offended when people stare.

not tell people their beliefs are wrong
but people do this all the time, only indirectly. So the instruction should be: do not directly confront people about the fact their beliefs are wrong.


staying away from someone if they are having a bad day

This, in particular, is completely confusing. I have found that most women seem to want you to talk to them when they are having a bad day, and offer a shoulder to cry on or something. I was very embarrassed the other day when I was feeling ill at work and a colleague came to my office with a cup of tea and lots of concerned advice. I appreciate the gesture but her presence and fussing were actually making me feel worse. But when people do this sort of thing I tend to assume that it is a socially acceptable way to behave and that I should behave in the same way.

So, it's not obvious and straight forward at all.

If I followed all the advice I was given for appropriate interactions with others I would end up having bland and uninteresting conversations like everyone else. I take no pleasure or derive no benefit from such interactions and in that case it's better that I just stay alone and not interact with anyone.

I know a lot of people who are always arguing over pointless things just to be "right" and "educate" the "dumb masses" in particular.

All I know is I certainly haven't managed it yet...the not annoying people thing.

The problem is a lot of the rules you listed, as you said, are not hard and fast and may not apply in certain situations. I think not being annoying requires some intuitive knowledge of social context. You have to understand the situation you're in and the people you're interacting with, the dynamics of your relationship with each person ect. to know what you have to do to avoid irritating others.

The not telling people their beliefs are wrong rule doesn't account for inadvertently implying that their beliefs are wrong or doing something that offends a person because it contradicts their beliefs. Oh, so many ways to annoy people......

Going through peoples things

I used to look in bags and stuff and couldn't understand why it bothered people. I couldn't see the logic behind this and thought people were being unreasonable. I also couldn't understand why it was so wrong to walk into a room and start snooping. However if someone tells you to get something out of there, they are giving you permission to go through their things. If someone told me to get something out of the office or room, it would never occur to me to move stuff and look under stuff. I would just look around expecting to see it in plain sight unless they tell me where to look. But once I started to understand why this rule existed, it wasn't hard for me to not do it anymore. It was just remind myself to not do it every time I thought about it no matter how curious I was. After all I wouldn't like it if someone took something from me without asking or made a mess or left stuff out of place and if someone was going through my bag, I wouldn't even know if they are going to steal something from out of there or not and sometimes I have things in there I don't want anyone to see so no wonder why we have this rule. I was an adult when I figured it out just from my own experience and I realized.

Correcting someone:

It mentioned grammar and spelling. Okay people don't like this, I won't point it out to them. I will just keep it to myself.


Putting your hand on someone


I used to go around and hug and kiss people and touch people. I couldn't understand why it bothered them but yet it never occurred to me why do it to them if I don't like to be touched or held or having some random person touch me? I saw others doing it so why was it wrong for me to do this? Apparently there is a cue for when it's okay so I am better off not doing any of these things since I don't know and it's not something you can teach. If others are touching you, I will see it as an invite that it's okay to touch them back. If they say stop, listen. If they are doing it to you and not listening after you tell them to stop, I would assume they are being inappropriate and not respecting you.

Peeking down someone's shirt

I took it literal because I thought it meant going up to someone and peeking down their shirt, not look at their shirts. No one has ever came up to me just to look inside my shirt and look down it or even grab my shirt to look inside it. I have never seen aspies do this either at any of the autism groups I have been to so I thought it was odd the article even listed this.

Telling people their beliefs are wrong

I thought it was telling someone "You're wrong" "That's not right" "That's not correct" and it said disagreeing with someone isn't telling them they're wrong because it said you can do that so I assume it meant telling them directly.


Staying away from someone on a bad day

You don't talk to them or have any contact with them or even bother them. If they are talking to you, that is different. It's an invite to talk to them.


I think lot of people do these and it was just telling you how to not be annoying by listing the behaviors but the thing is not everyone is annoyed by all of those. It doesn't annoy me if someone stands in the doorway because they usually move when I get close to them or coming towards them. I would be annoyed if they didn't move and I had said excuse me to get through. I had no idea this annoyed people. There is such thing as walking around them. I swear people get annoyed over silly things. What's next, not standing in the middle of the lobby because it might annoy someone? It's not hard at all to not stand in the middle of the lobby because you can just move to the side and stand against the wall.

I also find it ironic the article says you do not need to change yourself but yet it tells you what to change about yourself. I am trying to figure out what that is supposed to mean. Does it mean modify your behavior with certain people? How do you know what annoys them? That is why I say it's impossible to not annoy others because everyone has their own standards what they find annoying so how are you going to know what you do annoys them? But if they tell you what you do annoys them, you can not do that around them or when you are with them or work on not doing it around them. Maybe that is what the article meant. If someone is annoyed with me saying the word ass burger, how hard is it to not say it when they are around? But that doesn't mean I will refrain using that word in my story because I am not fond of PCness. I also find it contradicting it says to be yourself.

Other things that can annoy people:

-talking or laughing too loudly -then again I get annoyed with people breathing or chewing too loudly so doing anything too loudly
-talking to softly
-talking too slowly or too quickly
-smiling or laughing too frequently
-standing too close to or too far away from a person
-talking too much and interrupting people
-giving too much information
-giving too little information or not finishing a sentence
-cracking knuckles, picking or scratching skin (and I'm going to say picking anything else), repetitive nervous movements , common or uncommon
-making jokes too frequently or not laughing at jokes
the list could go on forever

Another thing that annoys me, people littering. How hard is it to throw something away and not toss it on the ground or leave it sitting on a bench or sidewalk or somewhere? I know it's a pain in the butt to carry trash around so that is why you toss it when you see a trash can and places are so nice to have them and so are cities. But is it hard to not litter despite what a pain it is to carry it? I always have to refrain from telling a stranger to pick up their trash or telling them they forgot this because I am afraid of conflicts. I don't like confrontations. Sometimes I wish I could speak up and toughen up. But if it was someone I knew, then I would say something. They could have included this on the list but there is so much you could list it would take forever.

I have known some people, my husband is one of them and so is my dad, who don't feel comfortable going through peoples stuff while looking for something. They may ask me where something is and I tell them but they want me to get it out for them because they don't want to go through my bag or purse. i always think they're weird because I gave them permission but some people are just not comfortable with it. I am not comfortable entering peoples homes when I don't know them even if they tell me to come in. I never was comfortable. I prefer them to answer the door. Some people are just not comfortable going through peoples stuff. My ex was the same way too.