Why don't people hear me when I speak?

Post Reply New Topic

I've already said in my OP that I don't say irrelavent things to the current conversation. Instead of this:-

NT 1: Did you hear A has broken his leg?
NT 2: Did he? How did he do that?
NT 1: I don't know (implies that she wants to know)
Me: I like chicken nuggets.

...I do this:-

NT 1: Did you hear A has broken his leg?
NT 2: Did he? How did he do that?
NT 1: I don't know (implies that she wants to know)
Me: I saw on Facebook that he had come off his motorbike.

This is just an example, not a true one.

Instead of:-

NT 1: Hey there's a pedal boat hire
NT 2 (joking): We could hire one
Me (whining): No way I'm not doing that, you two can! (Walks away in huff)

...I would do:-

NT 1: Hey there's a pedal boat hire
NT 2 (joking): We could hire one
Me (laughs): I can just imagine us rowing in one of those boats! (Lol)

Just tell me where I go wrong.

Does this happen in a small group of say, 2 or 3 of your closest friends or in a large group of friends and acquaintances?

Yeah this used to happen to me for a while too, until I just didn't care about the people I was associated with and not trying to prove them something urgently to make myself more accepted in the group.

The less you care, the more confident you appear and the calmer and more spontaneous you are and this is not just about saying stuff, it's also about body language and how you feel in the group. Like if you feel nervous, NTs will spot it instantly no matter how hard you'll try to hide it and it will always be on their minds for the rest of the meeting.

I think it's the sort of feeling insecure, the feeling like you're gonna do or say stuff you're not supposed to do or say by accident which will make others think that you're really up to something and perhaps they think you're doing this nervousness thing on purpose to scare and confuse them (because they don't look deeper at it in that way, neither do we when people are like this to us, we can't grasp it).

I dunno, I could just be chatting nonsense here, but this is what crosses my mind when I think about situations like this.

Sometimes it just doesn't matter what you say or how you say it, it just matters how you feel when you say it and why you feel that way I think.

Being nervous and anxious sets you off in a catch-22 type of situation or whatever you call it, it only backfires at you and you can spot it in others if you're looking at shows like x-factor when people have to present themselves on stage, just seems like nature's cruel way of defining your luck in anything in your life.

I was just typing up something similar to uprising. I think s/he said most of what I was gonna say but better. Here goes anyway; I don't see anything specifically 'wrong' with what you are saying. A lot of communication is nonverbal though (obviously) so it could be more the way you are saying it (maybe not very confident or other factors). That said I don't think there is a wrong or a right type communication barring hurting other people. For example, a quieter or more hesitant response might make some people who are similar more comfortable than a loud or overly effusive one. (Not that you are necessarily quiet, just an example). So it could be more to do with the group around you and that you haven't found the place where you can be heard best. Maybe that doesn't help much, I mean we, all need to get along with what we have got. I think uprising is right that it is about getting more comfortable with yourself (but totally spot on about the catch 22 as well(. Don't be too hard on yourself because then you'll just feel worse about it. If you have better experiences one on one or in smaller groups then focus on that. You have said these experiences have made you feel for other people when they are not heard and to give them some small friendly form of acknowledgement. That is important and a good way of forming bonds with people or just helping people out. Just some thoughts.

Sometimes tone has a lot to do with it. I used to have the same problem, although I did talk quietly back when I was in my teens and such, but I learned to speak up but was still getting ignored. It took a while but I found that you need an authoritative tone. Not overly so, but one that does call attention.

Try listening to how teachers speak to the class, and then how they speak one on one to a friend or just chatting with someone. Notice the difference in tone. Notice how cops talk, that tone they use when they are at work and how they talk just hanging around drinking beer. Different as well. Now, both people have developed a tone that can be used to get attention in regular conversation but you might want to try practicing sounding more like a teacher for a while. Tape your voice and listen to it. Have a friend listen to it. Practice for a while and as you notice an improvement, use that tone with others. Once you start getting heard in regular conversation, stop trying to improve the tone. You don't want to go overboard and actually sound like a teaching giving a lecture or a cop arresting somebody. I just suggested those as a place to start. Something that you can notice and try to imitate, and if you are anything like me, you won't sound like them at first so it's ok and will help to try to sound like them. You'll notice improvement before you get that far into it.

You can also develop a tone that will catch attention immediately even if you aren't loud. However I did not get that tone down very well until I had kids. It's the "Mama tone" and if I say something in it, even quietly, it does get attention. It isn't a "mad" tone, it's just a serious "you need to listen!" tone.

There is also a very quiet and slow one that you use with very upset people, but you keep it even and articulate the words more carefully than normal. It's a soothing tone, but does get attention.

And keep in mind, it's not the volume it's the tone itself. There might be some YouTube videos out there you could look up about voice coaching that could help.

Also, do you do that thing that I've noticed in a lot of girls your age where their voice goes up at the end and most things end up coming out as a question even when it's not one? It's a very common thing that girls in your age group and younger do. It's just a way of speaking that caught on and while some people can carry it off, others get completely lost when they do it. You might want to take yourself and see how you sound. I know I was VERY surprised when I heard how I sound. My voice sounded nothing like I thought it would, and I had to bring it down about a few notes.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

This is what it's like for me. I'm the mousy blonde with the nasal voice and everyone else is the good looking brunette.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8N91voIjag&list=FLI-u1_6xTLO4tysNORZxNTg&index=1[/youtube]

I've noticed that happening to me, too. However, unlike anything that's mentioned here, I've noticed that even if I'm in a crowd of people that DON'T know each other, I still get tuned out.

It's a combination of what ASDMom and AgentPalpatine said.

All it takes is for ONE person in the group to have made a connection with you (inside or outside the group), for that person to acknowledge your comment and then the others will follow. The more persons you have a connection with outside the group, the more acknowledged your comments are when everyone's talking together.

I was thinking about how this happens to me. I don't say much in groups of people, but when i do have something to say it is usually of significance. But it's like if you dont participate in the meaningless small talk you are excluded from being taken seriously. Makes no sense.

Joe90, I'm very much in the same boat as you (same age too, fwiw). I'm glad I'm not the only one with these social problems. I hate it when my voice isn't heard, or when I don't get a say in the conversation.

I've had it happen to me more times than I can count. On a few occasions, I've cut groups of new friends out of my life because they did that. (Old friends don't do that to me.) I decided it was because my voice doesn't project enough. That is, it quickly dissipates into the background noise or isn't authoritative enough to be acknowledged. "What does it mean to project your voice?", you might ask. It's hard to explain verbally, but if you watch the movie Full Metal Jacket, they way Sgt. Hartman talks is doing just that.

Now I'm the process of researching a voice coach or a voice training class, so I can learn to project my voice. Do you think that will help in being heard? Or should I just accept the fact that people will continue ignoring me for the rest of my life?

In the movie The Godfather, you can see clearly that the faintest voice, in the right personality, commands.

If people aren't paying attention they might not hear. Also, some people's voices are close to the background noise in some places, making it harder to hear.

Ugh, they sound like idiots don't waste your time on them i would ignore them if i were you, I am usually am not heard as I'm softly spoken and sometimes mumble.