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Raleigh
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26 Aug 2014, 4:03 pm

I met this woman at a a group I attend. She seemed nice. She asked me for my phone number so I gave it to her. Problem is now she calls me all the time. She wants me to meet her for coffee every week. I feel really uncomfortable. The conversation goes;
Her: so, what have you been up to?
Me: (confused) lots of things
Her: what like?
Me: going to work
Her: how's work?
Me: good
Her: what are your kids up to?
Me: (confused) going to work
Her: How's (my daughter) liking her job?
Me: I don't know. She likes it, I guess
This goes on and on. I feel like I'm being grilled. Then she tells me all about the things she's been doing and all about people she knows who I don't know.
Last time we met she said, "I'm inviting myself over your place on Friday for drinks." This seems strange to me. Can people really invite themselves over? I'm really stressing about this. She seems too pushy and she makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know if this is normal behaviour. How do I deal with this situation? Is she just being friendly? If so, why do I feel so afraid of her coming over?


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progaspie
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26 Aug 2014, 5:27 pm

I feel sorry for the person you met, because she seems like a nice person, but the current situation is untenable if it continues. Next time you meet her, explain to her that you are a busy person with a husband and children at home and you don't have the time to be seeing her as often as she wants to see you. Explain to her that she just can't invite herself into your home. See how she reacts to that. Is she prepared to just meet you at group meetings and an occasional coffee out? If not then you need to terminate the friendship.



dermaholic
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27 Aug 2014, 7:50 am

As far as inviting herself over, that is not socially acceptable behavior by any standard with which I'm familiar. I would tell her that the day she chose isn't good for you, and that you prefer to make invitations to your home for a time when they suit you.

From the description of your phone conversation, I pick up on 2 things:
1. She is calling to "chat." I know this is something that baffles Aspies sometimes.
2. Even though she is calling to "chat," you are NOT giving an invitation for her to continue, based on your brief responses that do not ask a question or leave any open-ended ideas. She is clearly not reading this signal that you are not trying to elongate the conversation.

For someone who seems excited to socialize, she is making a social faux pas (by inviting herself over - that is poor form!) and she is being socially unaware by not picking up on your cues that you are NOT trying to continue a conversation.

Are you interested in having some sort of friendship (albeit milder?) with her? If so, I'd be pretty straight with her. As I mentioned, tell her that the day she chose to invite herself over won't work for you, and that you'd rather meet her on X day at X time in X place (it doesn't have to be your house).

Also, I'd tell her "I'm not much of a phone person," - this SHOULD communicate to her that you just aren't keen on talking on the phone.

If she can't follow direction with this kind of bluntness, you may be out of luck. :/



Raleigh
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28 Aug 2014, 2:45 pm

Thanks for your responses. It's good to hear that I'm not the only one who thinks this situation is strange. I do feel sorry for the woman because I know she's lonely and apart from being pushy and practically putting me into a coma with her conversation, she seems nice. I've tried telling her I'm busy but then she asks, "when aren't you busy?" And wants to know my schedule for the next week. I've tried giving her the cold shoulder but she's not picking up on that either. Maybe she has Aspergers?
I know I will have to be blunt with her if I want the situation to change. Thanks to both of you for talking through this issue with me and making the solution so clear.


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diniesaur
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30 Aug 2014, 9:03 pm

I think she might be trying to date you and doesn't understand that you don't want to. Probably doing what the others suggested might help her understand you don't want to be dating anyone, too.