Every relationship is in crisis. I Need Help

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Hello,

I am a 37 year old married man and father of four sons. Two of my four have been diagnosed with Aspergers, and present to varying degrees. I have never been officially diagnosed however after learning about ASD two years ago with our sons the diagnostic criteria also fit me to a tee and I am confident (as is my wife) that I am similarly affected. I am able to hold a job and live independently, however there are some areas I need advice and help with. I am looking for resources more than forum chat, though that is welcome also.

Primarily, I need help in the area of relationships. Every single relationship in my life is a complete mess. Friends have always been very sparse throughout my entire life, but in the last year or so every one of them has pulled away. Families that we were formerly friends with have also pulled away for reasons they have not made clear. My marriage is on death watch, and just today I damaged a relationship with my niece and her parents as well.

It seems I am always causing messes in one way or another and people, my wife specifically, have lost patience. Our finances are in total crisis because I cannot seem to manage money, though I am extremely intelligent. To make matters worse, twice I have gotten us into extreme trouble financially and tried to hide it (most recently, a default on our mortgage.) This is not because I'm a bad person or up to nefarious doings, I just feel so lost and afraid of the relational consequences of telling her that I have tried unsuccessfully to "fix" the problems on my own. To note, we have been in marriage counseling for quite a while and now there are absolutely no secrets and we are working together on repairing the financial damage. The relational damage, I am less certain can be salvaged. I am quite awkward socially and though family relationships mean more to me than anything else in the world, large family gatherings make me extremely uncomfortable so I appear withdrawn and disinterested. I would like to be someone that my family likes to be around but I don't know how. It is important to me that I can be someone people like, and trust, and can count on - but it seems I am always doing the wrong things and making one mess after another. I just don't know how to interact with this world and it is killing every relationship I have. My wife is so tired of what she calls "the insanity" (not me being insane, but the chaos of one problem after another coming up that's related to my doing) that she tells me she can't handle it any longer and now wants a divorce. She needs "sanity" restored in her life, and I don't blame her but I don't want to lose her either, so I have to learn long-term strategies for how not to mess things up and how to see things from others' perspectives so I don't trip over myself. These are not superficial social faux pas, these have progressed to real, deep problems.

I need advice on how to be a good friend and good husband while having ASD. I feel like I am always being caught by surprise with problems because people react to things in ways I don't expect and often it takes me a long time to realize what I did that was wrong.

Is any of this making sense to anyone? Sorry for not being very eloquent here, I'm just floundering and probably not even asking the right questions, but clearly some coping strategies are necessary before I damage anything further. Any advice or resources would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

This may not be so easy to hear, but if you care for your wife, listen to what she's saying.

She needs a break. She needs it desperately. She's also responsible for raising four children, which could send anyone around the bend even without the AS. She really, really needs not to have to deal with the chaos you unwittingly introduce.

Help her out. Don't stand in her way, let her get the thing she needs in order to take care of herself and the children. If she needs to be in complete control of finances, do it. Remove your own chaos from her life. If that means a separation, do that.

You may find that if you separate and can live nearby, you get along far better than you did living together, simply because she really will not have to deal with the surprises and social problems day-to-day. They really will be yours alone, as will looking after yourself. It sounds like she does love you very much, but that she really cannot cope with all the issues you bring on top of everything else.

And then, on your own, seek help with those. You may also find that easier to do while not trying so hard to color inside the lines in your marital household.

Right now you're talking out of desperation, but I'd suggest you stand back and take a clear look at things. If you have the kind of troubles you're describing (none of which are unique to AS, btw), then there's not going to be any fast fix, and your best, in these arenas, may still not reach the kind of sanity level she needs, not with all the rest she has to take care of. The chaos tolerance of someone with that much to look after is going to be very low.

Keep in mind that nothing here will be easy, no option will be easy. On the other hand, the two of you are now in the most stressful period of your lives. It's time-limited. Your children will grow up, and unless the AS presentation in your two kids is fairly severe, all of them will become independent. Things will get easier, slowly.

Thank you for the straightforward advice. You are correct that she really does need a break from the chaos I unwittingly introduce. I just hope that I am able to quell that chaos by learning better social skills especially as it pertains to seeing things I am missing or don't understand. I have been able to do that successfully for the last six months (since the last major bombshell dropped) but it is a huge struggle and I just don't think that I have addressed my struggles to adapt in the most effective manner - it has been brute force, mostly. Also there is the issue of all my other friends pulling away for reasons unknown to me, as well as real difficulty making them in the first place, mostly due to a lack of social skills like showing interest in people in a way they understand. Further, that issue is hindering my management career as I don't know how to relate to my staff.

That's why I brought this up to AS experts. After some reflection I believe that a majority of the chaos I bring is introduced due to not picking up on social cues or situations, a lack of empathy, very strong situational compartmentalization (if that's a term) and other typical AS traits. I believe that by learning effective coping mechanisms and relationship strategies I can turn the corner in this respect.

Hello there, it sounds like you're going through a really tough time at the moment and you're trying really hard to look at yourself. Well done for that alone.

You don't say or I didn't spot in your post about your wife knowing about your thinking you may well be Aspergers... does she know and have you guys discussed it? If not, keep her in the loop with your thoughts about yourself maybe.

I don't have children but I do live with my aspie fiance. Now we've moved to a bigger house we can both get space if needs be. For him it's the garage, his man cave Get some space if you can if things get too much. It won't fix everything of course but could you and your wife get away for a few days together and get focus on each other.

As for the friends situation, have you asked them? You may not like the replies but at least you can stop questioning why they are no longer in your life. Hopefully they will be honest with you even if it's brutal.

I hope you can get things sorted for you and your family

I do not know if you are religious or not, but I believe as a woman this book is very much "right on". I think that if you are able to work with this, your wife might feel a bit better. I know I have begged my husband for this and he just doesn't care to do it…it has destroyed our marriage at this point.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desi ... spect+book


PS I am not religious but truly believe this works...