Listen....I am so scared

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I have one (& only) friend, male. I love him. He's much older, well-educated, and a good man. I am very sexually attracted to him too. When I first started to know him, he said he lives with a woman. A long-time domestic partner and they have a young adult son together. They are not married. When I asked if our friendship was ok he said yes. I fully understood, and told him, I had no expectations and that I just wanted him and would never invade his privacy. (I should note: I do not feel jealousy - ever. I experience some rudimentary emotions, this is not one I even know). We were discrete. I write/draw for him, we talk, etc. And we have sex, which I love. I was flattered by his attention. Men sometimes tell me I am very pretty but I am shy and socially awkward. I love my man - without attachment.

Tonight he told me. I am shattered: We can still be friends, good friends even, but no more sex. He said he feels this is now disingenous to his woman. I do understand, of course. I would never hurt his woman, whom I do not know. I even told him tonight if he loves her, then I love her too. Why are NT relationships so encumbered and therefore massively confusing. I told him tonight I wanted to be someone's favorite, like she is to him.

I have been crying since, almost 2 hours now, but am still functional. The full impact has not yet been processed. Sometimes after I am hurt I feel pain later. I am not angry at all, and certainly not with him. But, I want someone to love me too and have sex with me.

Someone say something nice to me - no critique.....I am frantic. Meltdown pending. I want a friend and a lover. Help.....

Ouch!

I don't know how often a relationship ends with the words "We can still be friends" or at why but it is not good.

I wish I could help.
I hope the pain becomes bearable soon, take it easy and look after youself it might feel like it but it is not the end of the world.

We love you here!

aw, geeze honey, what a f*****g bummer! sometimes the meltdown is the best thing that can happen simply because of the distraction and the relief.

we all want to be loved, to be the one that they come back to and the one they want. Especially when they are the one we want. I wish I had a magic wand to wave and have you whole and happy again and with your heart's desire. But I can only hold your hand from far away and let you cry, cry cry.

I give you a virtual hug, Lab Pet

Merle

I know you are a female girl type person and mostly wanted comfort and hope.

I knew you didn't look at it like a 'problem to be solved' and frankly, you feel bad enough with out having people push your face into how you set yourself up with a married man, that had history with a family. You now know how Glen Close's character felt, that she had been used and tossed aside and somehow was just supposed to suck it up and the guy walk. No matter how he feels, he still has his 'wife' and family and you are alone with out someone to call your own. That was what I was trying to address, your pain and your hurt, and not give a s**t why it happened or how you 'should have known.'

I feel so deeply for you, LabPet and hope time will erode the yowling pain inside.


Merle

Last edited by sinsboldly on 15 Aug 2007, 11:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hi, I'm sending you a virtual hug too (((((LabPet))))

I can really empathise. I had a similar situation a couple of years ago. Although in my case the man didn't have the honesty and decency to tell me that he was involved with other women at the time! (and yes, I do mean women plural!)

Since we split up he married one of the woman he was cheating on me with and I just found out the other day they are having a baby. It is so devastating because I really wanted to have a future with him. I wanted it to be ME that he married.

It's horrible when you want something so badly and it just gets ripped away from you.

I am so sorry about what happened to you. My first girlfriend manipulated me so many times I lost count.

But I am sure that there is someone out there that will be perfect for you.

Tim

There is an obvious solution to this problem. If this man thinkg that continued involvement with you is detrimental to his relationship with another woman, simply break that relationship. That Newt b***h has it coming, getting drunk and partying like all the other sheeple do. Find a way to let her know that she has to go.

I am sorry you are suffering in this way.
I suppose in this day and age, people tend to be monogamous.
Although in an ideal world, we should freely be able to love more than one without the possessing thing going on, in conventional society, a man who is already with someone, going with someone else isn't seen as acceptable.
Your unconditional love for him is admirable.

Virtual "hug". Now for the hard part.

Basically, this is the probable reality of the situation as I see it: You have been the other woman with a guy who is, aside for the actual piece of paper, married with a kid. She probably started to suspect and now he's cutting you loose. He's giving you the "we can still be friends" line because he feels like an ass, which he should.

He's much older and I hate to say this, but he's probably been taking advantage of the fact that, like most Aspies, you're a bit too trusting and giving with yourself. I know you feel like he's your only friend. I think you can do better as far as friends, and definitely as far as lovers, go. A real friend knows and respects boundaries. He had no respect for his "wife" and I kinda doubt he really had much respect for you.

Don't mourn the guy too much, I've got the feeling he really doesn't deserve it (sorry...)

Sadly I am completley oblivious to other peoples emotions most of the time
( I don't mean it though )

How could somebody you trust for SO LONG!! ! turn around and do this to you?
Come on he chose her over you. I hate to be the bearer of bad news
But I wouldn't speak to him anymore. To Make things worse!! he was your only freind?! ! Ouch It isn't easy! I feel your pain! I had have this happen to me 100's of times before
Over time i just closed myself up and got hard and cold.

unconditional love for someone that is ultimately using you is pretty sad, really.

Yes, you've been used by a slimeball.

Unfortunately, however, you've played a part in it by sleeping with a man you KNEW was attached to someone else.

Do not have sex with men who are cheating on someone else in the process. It's immoral for both of you.

And even if he left her and went with you, how could you ever trust him, knowing he is a cheater??

and even worse, (and this is how I stopped sleeping with married men, myself, so I am not some sinless moralizer but one that learned the hard way) you can't trust yourself, because being an adulteress means you are a cheater, too.

in this time of STD and HIV AIDS cheating can be a death sentance for the injured party, too.

sorry, didn't mean to be so blunt when your heart is aching. . .but there was no easy way to tell it. We still love you, though! we do!

Merle
who has gone through it and come out the other side, bruised,battered and much much wiser.

(((LabPet))), you sound like a sweetie. You will find someone good for you who won't cheat on someone else to be with you. It's easy to get into these situations. Afterward, you know what to not do the next time. It's what author Louis L'Amour called "a caution born of harsh experience". I wish these lessons didn't tear people up like that. You'll be okay.

ditto.

Thank you....I will be okay and he and I have had no sexual contact in any way since - without question. I truly never meant to hurt her, however, he has said that they, as a couple, have an 'open relationship' in that they live in different homes on the same property (I do know, verifiably, this is true). They have what might be known as a liberal relationship (whatever that means) and I cannot know what 'living (almost) together really means. For some, cohabitating is synonymous with being married, for other couples, it's like being roommates......unknown. And, now, a moot point. They are very close friends, certainly, I would never interfere with their special bond. That was not my intent. He has asked if I would like to meet her but I am leery since I am very shy and awkard. I'm sure she's really great but I cannot know how she would interpret me. I live in a fairly small academic community so he and I are connected regardless. I will use my discretation and keep him as a strong resource, and, yes, friend, but the dynamics of the relationship, by his own volition, are different. This is very hard for me and I will miss his romantic attention. Confusing........should this be on a soap opera? Their son is an adult and he and his partner, that do live separately but closely, have not had sexual relations or in 15 years since he does not feel attracted her romantically although he loves her deeply. Peculiar dynamics, but not for me to judge. I do not interfere and respect another's choice. Anyway, I will find a man who loves me where I'm his favorite and his priority. Thank you for your advice.........I'm so terribly bad at this sort of thing and rather naive.