How can I keep my rights from being violated in my own home?

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What do I do?

Two and a half years ago my son, “Son” who was over 18 and therefore legally an adult, decided to take off to Alaska to live with his online girlfriend, “Girl.” He’d never met her, of course, but they’d been communicating for years. She was at the time under 18, (in Alaska the age of majority is younger than where we live) and still living with her parents. She’d dropped out of school and was making half-hearted stabs at independent study. I did not approve of Son’s plan, and did nothing to support it. I wanted him to finish some kind of degree or certificate first that would help him find a decent job. But he had money for a plane ticket and a place to go, and he was an adult. There wasn’t much I could do to stop it.

Son lived with “Girl” and her family for two years, working at a couple of different jobs and braving the 17 degree weather. But as his second Alaskan winter raged towards spring, he decided he couldn’t do that anymore. He wanted to come home. I was glad because I’d been worried about him up in the frozen North, not getting any more education. He’d been working a decent job, but was it what he really wanted to do for the rest of his life? I suspected not.

Son put in for a transfer in the company he worked for and made plans to move home, bringing “Girl” with him (I suspect she told him she was pregnant so he wouldn’t leave her behind – thankfully she wasn’t). He asked me for a loan of $4,000 to help with moving expenses and beef up his account so if there was trouble during the long drive back they wouldn’t be stranded. The agreement was that some of this loan would be paid off in the form of home-improvement jobs he would do around the house.

They made the move last September and have been living here since (Girl is now over 18.) Son has done some home-improvement jobs. Well and good. Not $4,000 worth -- especially considering we also paid for his car and are paying for his auto insurance -- but I’m not complaining about the money.

Girl spends all day every day playing computer game or watching movies on her computer. A few times she’s helped with something around the house – once she vacuumed the living room, once she raked up a pile of leaves and told me she would put them in the yard waste bin the next day. (Two weeks later I put the leaves in the bin.) She does her laundry and Son’s laundry, and now and then cleans up their room. But the only time their bathroom gets scrubbed is when I attack it with cleanser. And she still hasn’t figured out about dishes.

Girl is usually the first person to the table once the food is ready (unless she’s in the middle of a “raid” in World of Warcraft), and the first person to disappear when it’s time to clear off the dishes and clean up. She explained to me a couple of times that she didn’t put things in the dishwasher because she can’t tell if the dishes are clean or dirty. So I made a couple of refrigerator magnets that say “clean” and “loading” and put them on the door of the dishwasher to help her figure it out. After that she actually put away the clean dishes twice. But all of her dirty dishes still just sit in the sink or on the counter. But I’m not even complaining about that.

The things that really bother me?

1) A couple of weeks before they started down from Alaska, someone used my credit card number to purchase about $150 worth of clothing from the Clothing Warehouse, and that someone wasn’t me. (Do I add that to the $4,000 loan? Son had access to my credit card number before he went to Alaska when I helped him register for some classes.) And since they’ve been here, I’ve discovered money missing from my purse.

2) I’ll be working at my computer on my novel, go to visit the restroom, and when I come back find Girl walking rapidly away from my office with this sort of “I win” grin on her face. (She’s an addicted gamer, “winning” is everything no matter what she has to bash to get there. I’m glad I won’t be around to see what the world turns into when it is totally ruled by gamers.)

3) I go to the grocery store and when I come back I can tell someone has been rifling through the things in my office, maybe even using my computer since the seat to my “desk chair” (it’s a small stationary bike) is loose and wobbly. (Girl is extremely overweight. She’s shorter than I am but probably weighs twice what I do.) This really bugs me because I write down my passwords and keep them hidden near my desk. (I’m an Aspie, I have a poor memory. If I don’t write these things down I could loose them forever.) I have also had the impression that someone looks through my things while I’m asleep. What I suspect is that Girl wants to take my ideas and put her name on them. So many other people have had the same plan. Years ago I had to resort to learning shorthand so people would stop stealing my notebooks.

For example: One time I’d been working for several days on a poem. The working title was “The Small Town Phoenix Burns.” It started out “Arms wide for balance, head held high, in breath-suspended lunge, I leap ... and each time try to tread more lightly on the line where dust and air are one” and it ended “and I shall rise defiantly, and I shall rise assuredly, and I shall rise in ecstasy to dance upon the wind.” There were several verses in the middle, but it wasn’t finished yet. I took that notebook with me when I took Son (about 7 years old) to an activity at the YMCA so I could work on it while he was at practice. I had to leave my place on the bleachers for a minute. When I came back the notebook was gone. Then a year or so later I saw a small article in the newspaper that some man had won first place in a poetry contest. The name of his poem? “The Small Town Phoenix Burns.” I could never find out how to read that winning poem, so I don’t know how much of my composition he used. But even if it was just the title, it was stealing. Shortly after that I got serious about using shorthand.

A few weeks ago my Norton security software gave me the alert that my computer had been attacked. The name of the attacking computer? It was what my Son calls his computer. I spoke to him, but of course he just had no idea how that would happen.

A few days ago we were all invited to go to a friend’s house for dinner. Everything was set, we were ready to go out to the car, when Girl comes downstairs in her regular scruffies, hair uncombed, and said she had an upset stomach and wasn’t going with us. Her expression and attitude put me on alert. Something was amiss here. So I made the instant decision to stay home. But I didn’t tell her that. I went out to the car where the others were waiting, told them my stomach had been acting up too (which was true, but I thought it was the Celiac disease), and since two of us had this problem it was probably a virus going around, so I should stay home.

Then I quietly went back into the house (Girl was upstairs and didn’t hear me come in) and I went into my office and sat on my desk out of sight of the door. Three minutes later, Girl comes straight down the stairs and barges into my office, heading for my computer with a big grin on her face. Then she saw me sitting there and just about fell through the floor. The expression on her face was painful to see. “I thought you’d gone,” was her first remark. “You forgot to turn off your light,” was her excuse for being there. Oh really? That’s nice, but I’d never noticed that Girl was so concerned about conservation before. When she takes a shower the water runs for an hour.

Anyway, now I’m afraid to leave the house when Girl and Son are around (and Girl is always there). Makes grocery shopping difficult, so the family is miffed with me for not keeping the kitchen well stocked with groceries. I’ve recently changed my computer passwords (again, and again) and hidden them in a different place. But how can I be sure they won’t be found the next time I have to go to a meeting?

Advice anyone?

Woah, that really sucks. I know how you feel about your writing being read by people stealing your notebooks. People at school do the same to me, not to copy it, just because of the "Gina says it's private, so let's read it for a laugh" factor. VERY annoying.

Call the cops?

Seriously, though, many people would be all for giving them notice to leave, damn the consequences. I believe there are ways to password protect files, but that means more passwords. If you can find a way to hide said passwords, however, in a place they don't know about, it might be worthwhile trying it.

Then there's camouflage. I hid my notes about Christmas gifts on my desktop in a file labeled, "Educational Requirements." No one in my family wants anything to do with either word.

But really, you don't deserve such treatment. They've imposed upon you long enough. I'd get a lawyer to protect your interests (don't ask me how, I just suspect that anyone who has taken root like that might need some added persuasion) and give them notice. If they don't cooperate, you've got to get tough. What you describe is unacceptable and freeloaders like these will stay like ants until there's nothing left. You can mention the money missing from your purse if they need an incentive.

Don't keep it all to yourself, whatever you do. I've had experience in being the lone right one who never spoke up for support. The group tends to believe the dishonest greasy person who puts on a good show.

And for what it's worth, many grocery stores now deliver if you order a day or so ahead. Look into it.

I'm the youngest in my family and got to see so many siblings in and out of the place. Almost all of them seemed to come back at some point, but were too restless to stay for too long. I now understand why Mom sold that big house and moved into a little apartment. You never know who's coming back next.

Oh, if you can, maybe keep the passwords in something you can carry with you when you go out so they can't find them.

You should tell the girl that she is not welcome in your home anymore. You could tell her that you suspect someone is stealing money from you ad/or is doing fishy things on your computer. Or you could flat out tell her you suspect she is the one stealing from you and ask her to leave. Are they paying rent or anything? If not, I believe you can tell her to leave without any notice. It sounds like this girl is a freeloader and doesn't seem to even respect you or your home. You should kick her out.

1. Wait until they're out of the house.

2. Set all of their belongings on the curb.

3. Change all the locks.

4. Call the police when they start banging on the door.

5. Stand fast, hold your ground, and don't give in.

If kicking her out doesn't work, you can start setting up "booby traps" with things like these in a metal trash can (should be available at a military surplus store). Sure, it'll only work once or twice, but it'll send the message to her. I really would advise getting a safe, too. Even if it's just a small one that costs $40 at Target.

Edit: Fnord's suggestion works best.

what everybody else said. and maybe one of those little spy cameras in your office to see what goes on in there when you're not around.

Actually, you do not want to put their belongings on the street. Since you invited them into your home, they are considered residence and can sue you under the constructive eviction laws.

What you will end up doing is literally evicting your son and his girlfriend from your home. You may need a lawyer as CA law is very specific on what you must do. The steps are generally:

1) Give them an unconditional quit letter if that is legal (otherwise, you may need to use a cure or quit). The time they have to move in that letter is perscribed by law.

2) If they do not move out, file for what is called Unlawful Detainer hearing (this is the actual eviction hearing).

Sorry you are going though this but if you put their stuff on the street and change the locks, knowing this girl, you will be raked over the coals by the courts.

Best thing you can do is kick the son and his girlie out. You didn't mention her parents objecting to her movie so far from Alaska which pretty much says they were happy to get rid of her. You've been taken in a big way. No way should you have ever given him your credit card # or the cash to get home. He's over 18, he's suppose to be a man and since he is showing you no disrespect you have no reason to keep supporting his sorry a$$. If he was really grateful for you helping him out he would at least do the household repairs.

I know its off the subject a little but you mention her World of Warcraft addiction and its just like I mentioned in another thread how employers are refusing to hire gamers they know that play this game. Its because too many of those gamers won't work but just live inside that game. As long as this girl lives with you she will just continue to mooch off you and steal your stuff. Kick them both out and call the police to escort them out. And then change the locks and have your credit card # changed.

Does the door on your office have a lock on it?

If not, get a high-quality locking doorknob with key, (NOT one of those cheap doorknobs that can be unlocked with a fingernail), but a really good doorknob with a complex key. Keep the key with you at all times. Wear it around your neck.

I want to thank all of you for your thoughtful suggestions. It helps to know that I have several options.

One thing that would help would be if that little girl would Get a Life. For an 18 year old, she is in many ways very immature.
She dropped out of school at 16 and has not grown much socially since then. I think she is very unhappy about herself and doesn't want to go out because strangers can be so cruel to people who are overweight. She's angry about it and feels the need to focus her anger somewhere, but she can't take on the whole world, so she focuses on me as her enemy because I'm the only one around all the time. (I work from home.) I get to be the scapegoat she hangs all her bad feelings on, and her need to dominate (World of Warcraft - crush! kill! annihilate!) It's too bad since she's intelligent, and a talented artist. It's a shame she can't find a way to use her gifts to work on making the Real World a better place to live for all of us. There is so much work out there that needs to be done, so many ways she could help.

As painful as it may be, you could watch a few episodes of Judge Judy.

Basically-
You're not doing these two jokers any favors in life by housing them, and you are the one who is allowing them to trample over what they please. These two need a solid ass-kicking; not from you, but from life itself. So far you are the one sheltering them from this ass-kicking.

Try not to read too much into every little thing that is going on either. Some of these things could be misunderstandings or just little nuances that real friends wouldn't think twice about. You may be kicking youself later if you bite down to hard on these things now.

i agree with the responses to call the police, but don't bash gamers. i'm a hardcore gamer and no, we don't plan to take over the world, honey.

It's not that I'm afraid gamers have some vast conspiracy to take over everything,
it's more my concern that kids who are addicted to World of Warcraft and Grand Theft Auto
are developing values and priorities that could ultimately prove detrimental to society, once
they become pervasive throughout the population.

As I see it, these games make kids spend hours and hours developing skills that enable them
to vanquish!, dominate!, acquire!, win - win - win! without experiencing any real-world consequences.

So what happens when these same skills and values are applied to real-world situations? Unintended
consequences. Sort of like George Bush playing his personal game of conquest - "We'll liberate Iraq
and everyone will be dancing in the streets because that's how the game goes when you win!" Nevermind
that in the real world there may be unpredictable variables thrown into the mix by the true circumstances of
Iraqi society, other countries' stakes in the game, unreliable people, physics (the long-term effects of DU contamination
are starting to emerge), impact on the US health care system (all those veterans coming back from Iraq who will need long-term health care) - all those things called "Consequences." In the real world you can't just win a game then turn off the computer and go do something else.