How to break the cycle of Co-dependancy and Enmeshment with

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My brother?

In order to get what I want (love and marriage) I first MUST sacrifice living with my brother!

Easier said than done though

He refuses to let me leave even if I get to the point of engagement

Leaving him is not going to be an easy task!

He believes that I have chosen a romantic relationship over him

If Jerry somehow does turn out to be "the one" (my soulmate) I want to discuss the possibility of co-habitating with him as a precursor to marriage

As a way of testing out the marriage environment

We obviously wouldn't want my brother around because we would probably be intimate with each other and do things with just the 2 of us

My brother has to understand that I am in NO way deliberately trying to hurt him, it's just that I feel the time has come for me to find my life partner!! !

This cycle of co-dependancy and enmeshment cannot continue or else it will just bleed into my romantic relationships!

What technical difficulties would you face to just leave your brother?

He won't get his life together as long as he has you to dump responsibility on you. That's how codependence works. Resources for the codependent all advise for this difficult but crucial step: leave your loved one to face their problem on their own. Not necessarily physically leave but physical distance makes it easier.

Sheeeeeyit. You're 30. You should be able to live on your own if you want to.

It's my impression that neither you nor your brother are truly independent, and your mother was your caregiver and now she's gone. TBH you probably need some sort of support from the county or state. I get a vague impression the county is aware of your situation but probably lacks the resources you really need.

Your brother is the most important person in your life right now. I disagree with some people who seem to say that you should just move out on him. Maybe this is possible in theory, but I don't see it happening in the near future. The one suggestion I might make is that you (and he) should try to relocate to an urban area where there will be more resources. I mean you're all he has and vice-versa, so for now you should probably stick together, although your mutual relationship may need some improvement.

If you're going to post here asking for advice, you might want to provide more specifics like what services are you getting or are available to you, e.g. transportation, how are your daily needs met i.e. how do you get food etc., how are your life skills in general (meal planning and food preparation, etc.).

As for having a serious romantic relationship with a man, I am not opposed to that idea. It's a big topic but first you and your brother need to get the basics sorted.

I agree, you can move out, but you cannot abandon your brother or leave him to his own devices to sort out his world.

Moreover, you have to make it clear to whomever you have a romantic relationship with, especially if you move in with that person, what your responsibilities to your brother are. If you do not do that, your lover may simply ignore your brother or worse resent him or try to turn you against him. Has your pen pal in jail of his own volition ever inquired about how your brother is doing?

What actually is Co-Dependancy?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

In simplest words:
Person A is addicted or shows some other destructive behaviors.
Person B is codependent if they care for person A in ways that perpetuate the unhealthy situation. It's usually B making their life all about A's problems and taking large part of responsibility for them - attempts at controlling, constant damage control, things like that.
It's typical dynamics of e.g. spouses of alcoholics who, with best intentions, often make problems worse.

My point exactly

I think I realized early on that I was in a co-dependant situation with not just my brother but also when I had to take care of my mom when she had her first stroke!

That is part of the reason why I have been looking to find a man to marry

I also know if I don't do something now to change this it will just continue in my romantic relationships!

Luckily I am now seeing a therapist at the request of my neighbor Anita who must have known that I was dealing with co-dependancy which is why she suggested therapy in the first place

I hope the therapy helps.
Mine helped a lot in establishing healthy relations within my family, but only the third therapist "got" me.

Very true.

My girlfriend has a codependent relationship with her brother & it is very difficult for all 3 of us sometimes. The brother was doing a lot better when me & Cass became a couple & moved in together over 10 years ago. Since then the brother lost his job that he had a long time & their dad died 3 & a half years ago after having health problems for a while. Cass & her brother were both very close with him & since then they've both been understandably depressed & angry about it. When her brother was doing really bad he was accusing Cass & their mom of not loving him in order to get them to spend time with him on his terms. He had a bunch of rules he expected them to follow & sometimes changed the rules on them & then after they had a fight he would say he was just trying to push their buttons. When they got upset with him he threatened suicide in order to guilt-trip them into giving in & it usually works on Cass.

Cass is the kinda person who takes responsibility for others. She blames herself & gives until she cant give anymore & then she breaks down, gets bitter & blames the people. That's probably some of why she's with me, because I'm a major charity case but I try my best & I take responsibility for her as well. I'm very protective of women I love. We're probably both at least a little codependent with each other & our relationship is very interdependent. It's hard for me to watch Cass pushing herself to be there for her brother when he only came to visit us a few times since me & her have been living together. His excuse is that he cant because of his issues. He's been diagnosed with Aspergers since he was very little but he also anxiety, OCD, depression, & some physical issues. I also have those same mental issues & various physical issues & my mental issues contributed to me screwing up my 1st two relationships. I worked very hard on myself because I realized that the person I was could NOT of made any decent romantic relationship work. I can sympathize with him some but at the same time it seems to me like he's trying to put responsibility on others instead of working on himself & abusive guilt-trips like that should NOT be tolerated.

For quite a while he was putting pressure on Cass to move to his town so it would be easier for her to visit him. Cass doesn't want to move & various times when she tried telling him that he said she would regret not spending time with him after he's gone. Half a year ago(maybe) me & him had a huge fight on the phone because he was trying to convince me that moving closer to him would be better for Cass so she could visit him easier. I had told Cass I should not talk to him then but she was stressed & freaking out & handed me the phone anyway. I had reached my breaking point with him & I kinda went into mini meltdown mode & I called him out on being a narcissistic a$$hole. We kinda apologized to each other on the phone a week later. I only see him 1ce or twice a year for holidays & I have not seen him since so I'm not concerned about getting along with him. Since then he kinda pulled back on pressuring Cass & hasn't been majorly guilt-tripping her compared to what he was. Perhaps he needed to be put in his place.

However he recently made a very f#cked-up accusation about me while Cass was visiting him. He said I'm probably poisoning our cat & our chinchilla before he died because I'm jealous of the attention Cass gives the pets. When her brother was an older kid & younger teenager he pulled the whiskers out of Cass's cats because he was jealous & didn't realize animals had feelings. That accusation is projecting what he would want to do. I'll readily admit that I'm a bit of an inconsiderate a$$ sometimes but Cass knows I would never do something like that. I tend to respect & care about animals a lot more than people. Plus I love/loved our pets & they love/loved me, I'm not jelly of them.

Being supportive of Cass in this type of situation is extremely difficult for me. I try to encourage Cass to set more boundaries & put herself 1st more but the process of her learning to is extremely slow. I also worry that I'm coming off as trying to isolate her from her family which is a common tactic abusers use to keep their victims hooked. Cass's mental health fluctuates a lot & she's prone to rash impulsive decisions, especially when she's feeling pressured & guilt-tripped. Very thankfully her mental health hasn't been extremely bad for quite a while but I do worry that if it gets worse & she's feeling pressured she might suddenly decide to move & would expect me to go along with it because I love her. She often says I'm a lot more logical & level-headed about making decisions but sometimes it seems like I might have the least amount of input in a major decision that would affect me more than anyone else except for her.

***Bumping this because I have new insight about the situation***

I realized there is only ONE way to allow my brother to let me go and be free

Hope that our mom comes home which would take the burden off of me and ultimately make it easier to break away from Co-dependancy!

This isn't feasable right now but it COULD happen if her rest home decides she no longer needs to stay there