NT coworkers

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When I worked last summer, and it was time to go, I would pack up, clean my cube, but then take a path from my cube to the elevator that went past most of the people I actively worked with, and whoever was still there, I'd simply say "goodnight" or "I'm heading out see ya tomorrow" to. Took all of about 5 or 10 seconds longer than simply directly walking out. Not too big a deal, you can even just walk past and say it as soon as you pass their cubicle if you can tell they're in there without making eye contact, if you find eye contact tough. On a related note, when I'd get in the next day, I'd simply say "good morning" to everyone in my path between the elevator and my cube.

The morning hellos were just being nice...I'd encounter these people along my path to the cube anyway, so I figured I might as well be nice (or in the case of AS, what the NTs would feel sounds nice) to them, and on the way back, it was to make sure at least one other person in the department knew when I was leaving.

Many NTs follow a work schedule, but to them it's about "leaving at a convenient time to stop work that's around 4:00" or whatever hour your shift ends...even if to those with AS a 4:00 clock-off means clocking off at 4:00:00.0.

what gets me is when people not only demand that you say goodbye when you are leaving, but take that opportunity to waste 10+ minutes of your life telling you stuff about their lives you could care less about. People really make me angry when they do that. I mean, I really wouldn't (and don't) mind when they say 'you are boring me now' if I am going on about something but for some reason it never works the other way around.

The funniest thing about work people and leaving niceties I experienced was when a colleague had to leave and I wasn't around in the ofifce to say bye to so she stuck a post it note on my computer screen with goodbye see you tomorrow on it. That was the weirdest thing ever. I just coudln't figure out why someone would do that - but I guess if they get upset if I don't say bye to them then that would explain it.

It also annoys me when people in the office start telling you really private stuff from their lives and involving you in their dramas. Also, for some reason peopel tend to think you are their friend after they have verbally abused you without incident for a few days. What's that all abuot?

pooftis, if you're still around - this is an interesting thread and I've shared many of the same concerns you're saying here.

If the leaving and not saying goodbye thing is still a problem, try putting a note someplace that you'd only see it when you're leaving. On the note write "Say Good Night" or something to remind you. I would put things like that on the top of my laptop, because the only time I closed it was when I shut it off and put it into my case to head home.

The chatter about the weekend I always found simply agonizing. There was hardly any escape - How was your weekend? How was your evening? How was your holiday?

Monday all day would be "How was your weekend" and by Thursday they would all start up with "Have any plans for the upcoming weekend?"

I did learn though that no one asks you those questions unless they want to tell you about theirs. They ask just to bring it up, then they daydream through whatever you say without hearing anything you actually say, then they launch into their own boring and detailed account.

"HI Bob! How as your weekend?"

"Fine. I laid around, watched TV, ordered pizza, killed the mailman and ate his liver raw with some fava beans and a nice chiante. How was yours?"

"Oh it was wonderful. I hate to brag but I just bought a new boat! Yep that's right, it's 40 feet long and boy can that baby move!"

----------- 15 excrutiating minutes of your life you will never, ever get back pass slowly -----------

"Sounds great, sorry but I have to run - I have a meeting."



:> earthmom

I work in a very small office and saying, "Good morning," or "Good night," is simply a way of acknowledging the other person. I am an NT, and for us it feels good to be acknowledged. It feels good to be included in small talk. That is how friendships develop. I guess for most of us, work has it's own social aspect.

Also, my boss goes in and out so much during the day that I have a hard time keeping track of him, so when he says, "Good-bye," I know that it is no longer my turn to babysit him. LOL

I think that most people - or at least I would hope that most people - would try not to be so intrusive if they knew how sensitive AS folks are. Heck, I've just come upon this recently. I would not have ever imagined such a problem. So, I could very easily be the boring chatterbox that you speak of.

If I was working with someone, I would want to know what I do that bothers them and why. At the same time, it's a private matter, so sharing it can be a huge decision in itself. I guess what I'm saying is that we (most NTs) are ignorant of the fact that AS even exists. You can't read our minds to know how to respond and we can't read yours that you don't want to respond.

Edited to add: After re-reading that last sentence, it occured to me that it's similar to why marriages break down . . . both people seem to think the other should "know" what he/she is thinking. "Communication, communication, communication," I always say.

I agree with you on communication! And I applaud you for wanting to try (standing ovation!)

However many (most?) NTs aren't like that. One incident that comes to mind immediately is one coworker who wore incredibly strong perfume at times. Most days it was a low level not great kind, but every so often it was this unbelievably strong horrible one. It sent me home 3 times with excrutiating and debilitating migraine headaches. (no kidding - the kind that make you think you might die and then you wish you just would and you spend the day in a dark room in bed)

I spoke about it to her and she said she would not wear it anymore. I told her I was obviously "allergic" to that perfume.

I was moved into a workarea very close to this woman. I brought this up to our manager who said she had never noticed any perfume and it didn't bother *her* so it wasn't a problem.

The coworker 'forgot' several more times and wore it, sitting in the desk next to me and sent me home ill again. I realized early on that she had the Kryptonite and if there was any time she wished to get rid of me she only had to take out the bottle and spray away.

It was a very very frustrating experience. The only way it ultimately ended was that my entire team got laid off!

I still applaud your need to communicate. Honestly I could do without the small talk entirely. I can't tell you how many times people have said "How was your weekend?" and I just went blank. I could not remember what were they asking about.... here it was Monday, we're at work, I'm de-duping this database and that's all there is. Weekend? Oh yeah, right, that was a long time ago. What does that have to do with right now?

:> earthmom

I just noticed that a bunch of people had responded to this thread past the last one I had read. So I guess I can kind of respond to a lot of the stuff put in.

hmm, okay firstly, since there are only 7 people in my office, it is a set schedule, I am the first one there every day as I unlock the place and there for I am the first one to leave (at exactly 4 everyday, they all know this because I have to pick my son up at 4:15, it has been mentioned in the company meeting so I know that they are aware of it) The girl who gets upset about the conversation or lack there of is my bosses almost underage girlfriend, (younger than me, he is my moms age, which makes me uncomfortable on some level) she is nice but very unintelligent and gossipy. I attribute most of that to her being very young and very "southern california beach girl"

I even tried to come to work with a set idea of what to say; I did actually try that in the begining, I would think of what to say to the "how was your weekend" thing etc it never worked out because she makes no sense to me, I actually don't think that is an aspie thing, she babbles and says the words "like" and "dude" and "duh" you get the idea, and I haven't the slightest clue what to say to "dude, like this was so...oh my god, like just...wow, ya know?" (No, I don't know.) I have tried to tell her "I'm going to lunch" and she will look straight at me and say "Oh, Okay cool" and then 10 minutes later say "Oh my god are you going to pick up your extension, are you on lunch or something?" (and then claim she wasn't paying attention when I told her so she didn't realize I was on lunch) I do the obligatory "Hi, did you have a good weekend?" with most of them.

The other women I work with, one is the same bosses mother, who is going through menopause, and therefore is the mood swing queen which is harder for me than almost anyone because I never know how she will be and quite honestly I'm not good at second guessing people in the first place. So I don't know how to respond to her either, I'm worried she'll yell, she does that often with little reason. (yelling freaks me out badly) The other main one is a one upper, you know these kind of poeple, you have a paper cut, they had an amputation. She talks 100 miles a minute, loudly and constantly. It makes my head hurt.

I'm not worried about being anti social hurting my job, I am the office manager and none of them know how to do my job and my boss (the one with the nightmare for a girlfriend and mom) thinks the world of me and says I am the only reason stuff gets done like it is supposed to. I just can't stand the constant chatter, constant trying to figure out what the hell these people are babbling about and so forth. The thing is, they know I am autistic, I was very upfront about that. My boss knew when he hired me. I don't see any point in not telling them, because quite honestly I am a little odd to most people and I would rather them realize I am not doing to be a jerk. And my personality quirks make me very good at my job because I am very organized, have a great memory for little details, and am a perfectionist.

I wouldn't socialize with co-workers outside of work, I never do. So I'm not worried about that either, I have my own friends and am very happy having work be totally seperate from my real life. My only real issue with them is that they constantly drive me nuts with the stupid and constant verbalizing and the fact they have mood swings so I can't formulate a good "plan" to deal with them. I didn't have this problem before, I have worked in the entertainment industry since I was 18 and am kind of used to having everything revolve around me and my space when I am working, and everything done on my schdule, so this adjustment is especially hard for me. (And yes, I realize that isn't normal, so I don't expect this job to do that or anything.)

Earthmom: Your story about the perfume "hit home" with me. I apparently have a sensitive nose. While others don't seem to be bothered by smoke across a restaurant, I am. I hate when I ask for the non-smoking section and they put me next to the smoking section. I can generally smell things before someone else can.

Anyway . . . I had a doctor's appointment last week. While I was talking with him, more patients arrived in the waiting room. When I left, one woman had on so much (or so strong) perfume that it filled the entire waiting room. Had I been in there, I wouldn't have been able to sit there. I would have had to tell the receptionist that I'd be in the hall because of the smell. (And with my personality, I probably wouldn't have been delicate about it, because I think wearing that much perfume is simply rude. One no needs that much perfume, unless what they really need is a shower.)

Pooftis: Since your boss likes the work that you do and is aware of your autism, there may be something else you can do. First of all, he might be aware of your autism, but he is aware of the sensitivities? (Some of us NTs can be pretty clueless. We may "know" what autism is, but we are unaware of the intricasies.) I think it would be good to tell him (or give him a printout) of some of the issues that autism creates.

Since you work in a small office, you might be able to talk him into getting some of those movable partitions to separate your desk from others' (or separate all of the desks). The partitions would create your own little space and it would help muffle some of the sound. You could always sell the idea to your boss as a way to get all the employees to focus and be more efficient, since they would use their time more constructively rather than chit-chat. You could use a psychological reasoning and say that each person having a personal space (to keep personal stuff like photos) will feel more relaxed at work and will convey a friendlier impression to customers. Just remember, when selling an idea, a little BS goes a looooong way.

Another idea is a stereo. I don't know if that would add to the noise, but I'm thinking that it might help drowned some of it out. LOL

BTW, menopausal women drive everyone nuts, so you aren't alone there. *chuckle* I better watch what I'm saying . . . I'm not getting any younger.

The partition idea is good, I should ask about that. (I mean suggest it for the betterment of the company)