Maternal instinct/drive

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I have two kids, however I do not consider myself the "maternal type". Even as a youngster, I never did care much for kids. I tolerated children, but wasn't all over them.

Post marriage, we did not attempt to have kids for a while, and then struggled to have them because I had severe PCOD. I did eventually produce two, and do my best for them, but since my son's diagnosis, I have wished that I had never fought for the chance to have children.

My own so-called mother was not the warm, maternal type and I seem to have taken after her. The only difference is that she was emotionally abusive to me, whereas I am not and never will be mean to my own children (or to anyone else's).

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids, and think the world of them, but I am just not the kind to coddle them every second of every day. My daughter's infant and toddler years were hard -- I did not care for the neediness and also lacked suitable play skills to engage her constantly. However, once she turned 5, she has been huge fun to be with.

My son is a lot more challenging, as he has severe developmental delays and is still developmentally a toddler. I *hate* the early childhood years and the neediness with a passion. But I love him, nevertheless, and am very, very, very protective of him. I think I will really "enjoy" him, too, once he gets older and gains more skills, but right now is very hard for me and makes me second guess (for the nth time) my decision to ever have kids.

I have just enough maternal instinct to not eat babies.

I love children but more as their playmate than as a parent. I love the little kids I volunteer with in the foster home, I stick up and fight for the kids I coach but if you put a baby in front of me, I feel nothing except fear. People keep insisting to me that when I have a child, I will be willing to let doctors and nurses torture me in the hospital knowing it needs to be done for the good of my baby but somehow it makes me feel even more hysterical and start considering suicide. My partner really wants biological children and he's having a very hard time reconciling the fact that it might not be possible or that I'll try it and it'll end badly. He's actually looking forward to being the primary caregiver for the first year because he loves babies that much. All I like is the idea that I'll get to show a toddler how awesome and cool the world is and what great stuff we can do in it. But wanting babies? Maternal instincts? Someone forgot to give them to me.